The past few months I’ve been increasingly more stressed in relation to specific divergent responsibilities. I’ve previously been able to push through it, stop the thoughts and find practical solutions, but recently the stress of it all has started to show in my face looking tired (something others have commented on) and in me being more tired than I usually am. I’ve also experienced an increasing resistance towards taking care of certain responsibilities, though not towards the work itself but towards the entire situation. Within this I started slacking and sleeping more than usually. The more I didn’t do the things I had set out to do, the more stressed I got about it. It culminated in a conversation with my partner where I finally was able to make the connection between my experiences of resistance, my slacking in responsibilities and the stress I’ve been experiencing.
What I find fascinating is that I hadn’t made the connection. So I’ve become more and more stressed, but I’ve thought that I just had to power through it, that it was me who had to change myself and that I simply had to ‘get my shit together’ so to speak in terms of expanding myself to be able to handle everything effectively. But the more I told myself that I had to power through it, the worse it actually got and underneath it all I’ve become more and more stressed. The culprit in all of this has been that I was thinking that “Other people do so much more than me and they can handle it” and “I should be able to deal with this because I see others doing it”. Because of this I have not allowed myself to look self-honestly at my own situation and whether that is practical for me and how I can support myself to create an effective daily life. I have so focused on what I believed I should be able to handle that I suppressed my experiences of stress and the fact that the situation wasn’t working optimally.
The point has to do with having a split focus where I have two different primary responsibilities that are both equally important. I’ve instead struggled with prioritizing where, if I take care of one responsibility I’ve felt like I’m compromising another. Interestingly enough, the more I’ve experienced this struggle and have tried to fight it to find a solution, the less effective I’ve become. So I realize that I’ve been operating based on an idea that “I should be able to handle it all… because other people do”.
When I’ve then for example looked at the possibility of stepping down or doing something else, I’ve judged myself as a being a diva, someone that can’t handle the pressure. And I’ve not wanted to be like that. So I’ve kept trying to power through it without success. I see that the effect that this approach to my current situation has had is that I haven’t been able to practically look at the point for myself because I’ve been operating based on comparison to what I believe others do and thereby what I believed I should be doing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to operate and function based on an idea and belief about what I should be able to do and what I should be able to handle, based on comparing myself with others whom I perceive and believe to be doing more than me, thereby thinking and believing that because they do it, so should I and that if I don’t, it means that something is wrong with me, that I’m lazy and spoiled
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in an idea and a belief based on comparing myself to others and what I perceive/believe that they do, about what I should be able to do/handle within myself/my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and based on my perception of what/how much they do, believe that I should be able to do the same, when I in fact don’t know what their life looks like or what they actually do and when I haven’t actually considered my own situation independently from what others do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my experience of stress and my dissatisfaction towards my current situation because of the belief that I should be able to handle it and because of my judgment of myself as being spoiled and lazy if I can’t
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it cannot possibly be so that I can’t handle my current situation effectively, that it must be so that if I can’t handle it, that I am lazy and spoiled within using the argument that because others do it, so should I
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not look practically, commonsensically and self-honestly at my situation without comparing myself to others whereby I would have been able to determine what is best for me and so how I can be best for all within the current context
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that it is normal to be stressed and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefore continue to accept and allowed myself to be stressed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because others are able and capable of handling more responsibilities than me, that I also should be able to, instead of considering that our situations may be entirely different and that I have to make decisions based on my own situation and not based on a perceived standard
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must necessarily be limiting myself if I decide that I have to cut some of my responsibilities out and within that judge myself as being a failure and thereby resist changing anything because I think I should be able to handle it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to look at or investigate alternative solutions to my current situation, in for example cutting down on some of my responsibilities because I believe that I should be able to handle it all and that its not acceptable to step down, again using the argument that because others are able to handle it, I must be too
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to decide to cut down on some of my responsibilities, that it would necessarily mean that I am being self-dishonest and that I’m limiting myself and thereby refuse to even consider the possibility – when in fact my current experience of stress and my ineffectiveness in certain areas is indicating that there indeed is a need for me to reconsider my current situation
I forgive myself that I, instead of actually sitting myself down and asking myself what’s going on, have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and so create resistance towards my responsibilities, resulting in my negating certain responsibilities and creating a desire to ‘escape’ and get away from it all
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop up within seeing that what I am doing is not effective and that I have instead just continued doing more of the same based on the belief that I should be able to do it, I should be able to handle it – not considering that when what I’m doing is not working, then maybe I should consider doing something else, instead of constantly trying to find solutions within the same way of doing things
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to do the same amount of work that others do, when in fact this is a delusion since I don’t know what others do or what their lives look like
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within comparing myself to others and how much/what I believe they do, go into competition with them in my mind and so declare myself a looser and a failure based on this comparison that has no hold in reality and that’s not even relevant since I can only measure my own effort based on being self-honest with myself in regards to my own situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed with all the little things that I have to do during a day where I think that I can and should be able to manage it all and hold it all in my mind in an overview, when in fact my life has changed and I now have to manage quite a few points that requires me to write things down and organize myself in a different way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this state of suppression and resistance, avoid certain responsibilities that I know I should have taken care of and within that compromise myself and feel guilty because I know that I am compromising myself instead of simply doing the things I have to do, but to also investigate and stop my experience of stress, suppression, resistance and self-judgment so that I can have a clear and self-honest and supportive starting-point in the things that I do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unprepared and unready to take on certain responsibilities and because I enter into them without my full focus I feel guilty and judge myself as not being effective or professional enough
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and embarrassed that I am not fully prepared and have an overview and effective direction and organization of the things I have to do and so within this hold myself accountable within imagining myself presenting my work to others or others seeing and evaluating my work and finding it unsatisfactory or wanting
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not prepare and apply myself according to the realization that only when I am prepared and have an overview due to having worked with something enough to be able to effectively direct it, will it be satisfactory and effective – and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to instead compromise myself by ignoring this aspect of working with a point/project well knowing that I would feel like crap walking into it because I would know that I hadn’t prepared myself effectively
When and as I see that there is a responsibility in my world that I must take care of immediately because it is eminent, where I see that I’m experiencing a conflict within having conflicting responsibilities, I stop and I breathe. I write down my responsibilities and what I have to do so as to get an overview and be able to practically decide which one is important
When and as I see that I am experiencing resistance towards taking care of a certain responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the origin-point of my experience of resistance and where it is I’ve separated myself from myself in my starting-point of taking on this responsibility.
When and as I see that I am comparing myself to others where I’m disqualifying myself through self-judgment, I stop.
I realize that I don’t know what others lives are like, I don’t know what they do or don’t do and therefore it makes no sense to compare myself to and compete with them in my mind. I realize that I can only ever measure myself within self-honesty
I realize that I have to look at my own reality and situation within common sense and self-honesty to determine what is best for me and when and how I am best for all
I realize that it is pointless to postpone or avoid things that I have to do because I only create consequences and compromise myself further
I realize that when I start resisting things, it is because I am not here with what I’m doing and that my resistance is a sign that I have to stop and have a look at who I am within what I do
I commit myself to stop comparing myself and as such compete with others and what/how much I believe they do
I commit myself to look in common sense and self-honesty at my own situation and the responsibilities that I have and accordingly prioritize in the best possible way to support myself
I commit myself to listen to my body when it shows and indicates that something is up, instead of ignoring it believing that I can and should power through it
I commit myself to stop participating in thoughts of stress and instead make clear decisions about what I can do and stick to them
I commit myself to stop and let go of the belief and Idea that I should be able to handle any and all responsibilities and that if I don’t it means that I am lazy and a failure
I commit myself to care for and be specific within the responsibilities that I take on so that I can ensure that I am prepared and effective in what I do
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