Throughout my process I’ve had a couple of staple dream sequences where I basically dream the same scenario over and over in various versions. This particular dream sequence is one I’ve been repeating for a couple of years now and it comprises about 80 % of my dreams. So the basic theme of the dream is that I have gotten or taken or have been given the responsibility to care for a bunch of defenseless baby animals. It is usually cats, rabbits, birds or dogs, thus your typical house pet type of animal. What plays out in the dream is that I have to take care of the little baby animals that are usually tiny in size and I have to protect them not only from other people but also from myself. There’s usually an element of being afraid of stepping on them or otherwise physically hurting them. In the dream I usually feel stressed and frustrated but also proud of having the responsibility of caring for these animals. I have a strong sense of care and protection towards them.
A couple of days ago I had the dream again but this time it was the most extreme it had ever been. I had pr. Usual gotten the responsibility to care for a bunch of baby animals, like someone had just left them and no one knew what to do with them. So I took it upon myself to care for them. At first I couldn’t figure out what they were because they were so small and undefined like little fetuses. They were approximately the size of a thumb. I later realized that it was puppies. The puppies were everywhere and everyone kept accidently stepping on them including myself because they were so small and were moving all over the place. So I decided to place them in a box so that I could protect them from being stepped on. But these particular puppies were sticky and they had the ability to climb up things without falling down, similar to slugs, so they kept crawling up the side of the box only to fall over and I then had to pick them up again to put them back in the box. I tried finding a bigger box that they couldn’t climb out of but obviously with their ability to stick to the side of the box, they’d be able to climb out of anything. I remember thinking that it was strange that they didn’t act like normal puppies because then I could have just placed them in a box and they would have been safe. So I started pondering about creating a box with a lid that they couldn’t escape from. Then I woke up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself and other adult human beings compared to children and small animals as us being big and brutal and inconsiderate and them as being fragile and small
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed and worried that the small beings I have taken the responsibility to care for will be injured, hurt or killed because of my or others carelessness or inconsideration
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself and other adult humans as being careless, clumsy, inconsiderate and brute when it comes to caring for small defenseless beings
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pride and to feel proud of myself that I have taken and that I’m the one taking responsibility for caring for small, defenseless and innocent beings and within this see and define myself as superior to and separate from other adults that I judge as being careless, brute and inconsiderate and as such that I can separate myself from that aspect of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own carelessness, inconsideration and brutality, by placing myself in a position of responsibility of taking care of and saving small, fragile, defenseless and innocent beings, where I feel like I’m compensating by being worried and protective of them as though that somehow makes my brutality and inconsideration and carelessness less of a threat, when in fact my fear and worry and stress only makes me less considerate and careful in my handling of the small beings and where I create an inner conflict in myself because I on one hand know that I have that brutal aspect in me and at the same time try and fight it by being extra worried and responsible
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to effectively care for and take responsibility for the young beings that are under my care and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this fear onto their parents where I fear what they will think and see, when in fact these are my own thoughts and points of concern
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a savior, as a saint, as a knight in shining armor when it comes to taking care of small, defenseless, innocent beings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define and experience children and animals as small, defenseless, innocent beings and adults as big, brute, brutal beings and as such polarize and separate adults from children and animals seeing children and animals with a positive energy judgment and adults with a negative energy judgment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience myself as someone who protects the weak, especially animals and children and within doing so and within seeing myself this way, separate myself from my judgment of myself as being an adult, thus changing my judgment of myself from negative to positive – but because of the polarity that I’ve created, exist in a constant inner conflict within judging myself as being part of the adult population
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for caring for and protecting animals and children within and from a starting-point of fear and separation and as such act and treat children and animals within fear and separation
I forgive myself that I, because of the polarized way I’ve come to see, experience and define children and animals as these extremely small and vulnerable beings, have created a belief that I must protect them from the evil, brutal, big adults, but because I am an adult myself come to experience myself as a conflict, because I fear being/becoming that which I’m trying to protect them from
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that children and animals are beings that live and exist equally here that due to their physical size/strength/development as well as their current societal position requires support in voicing themselves and to a certain extend also requires protection, but this does not mean that they are by definition victims or weak or that adults then by definition are abusers or brutes within an polarized energetic separation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I, by defining animals and children as beings that are defenseless, weak and vulnerable, have actually acted upon them in brutality by perpetuating a condition/status that allows for me to see myself as a savior and a protector instead of as a brute, ironically doing exactly that which I’ve claimed to be protecting them from
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and create myself within and as an energetic state of fear, worry and stress when I am responsible for caring for animals or children, because of the way I’ve separated and polarized them in relation to adults, where I fear that I will be responsible for hurting them, instead of simply being here with them and in a practical and commonsensical way support them until they can effectively support themselves
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself as being a brute adult who, just by the nature of me being an adult, automatically classifies as an abuser, when in fact it is not the fact that I am grown-up or a human that makes me an abuser, it is the way I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within and through the definitions of power and authority that I’ve claimed for myself within defining myself as an adult opposed to children and as a human opposed to animals
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider the universal and existential mirror that I am reflecting to myself through my polarization of the relationship between animals and humans and adults and children, where I am essentially reflecting my own relationship to myself as life, where I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a mind that I’ve made the brute authority over myself as life, as the inherent innocent expression represented by children and animals and that I am accepting and allowing myself to exist in a perpetual inner conflict towards – because I have not admitted to myself that I am both the brute authority, the human and the adult, but also the innocent victim, the child, the animal and as such that both aspects are parts of myself that I haven’t fully embraced or taken responsibility for within and as myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and delude myself into creating a savior/protector character that I could identify with and as such separate myself from my own brutality as the nature of humanity that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, where I could feel better about myself because “At least I’m trying to make it better/say sorry/show that I care/take responsibility” but because I was doing that from within and as a starting-point of separation from myself as the abuse, it was not absolute and instead became an inner conflict within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot protect or save the innocent, until and unless I take full and absolute responsibility for myself as the abuse/abusers of this world, because how can I know that I’m not perpetuating the same abuse, if I don’t know it inside and out as a part of who I am that I have directed and taken responsibility for?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own perceived innocence, vulnerability and defenselessness polarized against the mind as the brute authority that bullies and brutalizes me onto a polarized relationship between adults/humans and children/animals
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a polarized and separated relationship between the mind, my beingness and my body where I’ve believed that I had to protect the beingness/body from the mind and where I’ve judged and blamed the mind as being a brute, brutal, careless, inconsiderate authority and the beingness/body as being a defenseless, innocent victim, not realizing that ‘we’re all in this together’, that ‘we’re’ all co-created and co-creating, because without beingness there would be no mind, without the body, there would be no mind and that the mind is my creation
And so, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the mind, through my judgment of the mind, as the mind and to instead glorify my idea of a beingness and of the body, not realizing that its all interconnected, part of the same process of creation, a creation that I am responsible for in my abdication of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention on protecting the innocent instead of focusing on assisting and supporting the parts/aspects of myself that I’ve accepted and allowed to become brute/brutal/abusive to become supportive and equalized to the beingness/body and instead of seeing the beingness/body as something weak and defenseless, to empower myself as the beingness/body to be self-directive and self-responsible
As such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a polarized separation where I’ve placed myself as an idea/personality in ‘the middle’ as a savior/protector, but where this idea/definition of myself was actually a delusion/illusion that served to perpetuate the polarized separation even further, because I within that could separate myself from the aspects of myself that I judged and didn’t want to take responsibility for
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not place myself in the middle as the point of amalgamation where I unite the parts of me that I’ve made separate and polarized through for example developing ways to empower children/animals/my beingness and to assist and support the adults/my mind to correct itself to become commonsensical points of support in assisting myself as life as the totality of myself to stand up, not excluding or polarizing anyone or any aspect of myself
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in an energetic experience of wanting to protect the innocent, as children, animals or my own body/beingness against the brutality of adults/the mind, I stop.
I realize that animals/children/my body/beingness is not simply defenseless victims that can’t do anything for themselves and that my responsibility, rather than merely trying to protect them from harm, is to assist and support them – as myself – to become self-empowered and self-directive and to also within the same instance assist and support the other side as the adults, to see and consider and care for children/animals so as to prevent themselves/myself from causing harm and instead develop supportive and effective ways of co-existing and supporting one another. And I realize that I can do the same with my own mind, where I, instead of separating myself from the mind (while in the mind lol) and seeing the mind as this brutal authority that I have to protect myself as life/innocence from, can assist and support myself as the mind to change my starting-point of existence and living from abuse and self-interest to principled living and support. I realize that I don’t have to exist within and as stance of fighting to protect life from the mind, but that I can direct myself as the mind and I can direct myself as life and as such be the point that brings all of myself back together. I realize that I cannot save or protect anyone as long as I don’t even know or take responsibility for my own creation of and as myself.
I commit myself to stop seeing and judging and defining children, animals and my own beingness/life/body as defenseless, innocent, weak, small victims that I have to protect and to instead look at and apply practical and commonsensical ways of support where I can assist and support children, animals and my own beingness/life/body to stand up and become self-empowered and self-directive.
I commit myself to stop seeing and judging and defining adults/the mind as brutes and brutal abusers and authorities that I have to protect the innocent from and separate myself from and I commit myself to instead embrace adults/the mind and walk a process of getting to know and understand the manifestation of adults/the mind, also within and as the dimensions of abuse/brutality, so that I can assist and support the adults/the mind, as myself to stand up and become supportive, considerate and caring and to change my abusive/self-interested patterns and ways of living into commonsensical and supportive actions that stands and lives by the principle of what is best for all
I commit myself to stop seeing, experiencing and defining myself as a ‘savior’ and a ‘protector’ and I commit myself to instead walk a process of standing equal to all parts and aspects of myself, within as without – as I embrace myself and direct myself to become and live that which is best for all – as myself
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(Image by Elena Shumilova)