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I am what I feelIn this post I will share some recent insights and realizations in relation to two specific points that has to do with how patterns move in ‘cycles’ or ‘stages’ and how I’ve defined and identified myself in relation to energetic experiences.

So the first realization that I’d like to share here has to do with ‘standardized’ patterns within me that I’ve participated within and that, if I do not direct them and myself within and as them to a point of practical correction, will escalate into more and more intense experiences. It is quite fascinating to observe, because there will be these ‘stages’ where, if I don’t direct myself to stop at that particular stage, the experience and possession will go to the next – predictable – stage. Let me give an example:

I have had a tendency of postponing things, making excuses and suppressing what comes up within me. I now have effectively started to stop that a while back. What then happened was that things changed in my practical reality where I had to prioritize some of my responsibilities over others. This then ‘opened the door’ for this pattern to re-instate itself.  It starts off ‘innocently’ with ignoring one thought or suppressing one experience. If I don’t ‘catch’ myself there and stop and correct myself, this ‘cycle’ starts moving. So first I’ll feel guilty and judge myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone, then blame and anger. Then I feel sorry for myself and feel victimized even though I was the one doing it to myself all along. Then I start feeling depressed and demotivated and do not want to participate in anything. Then the excuses become more and more. Eventually in my life this pattern at its worst have ended up with that ‘crawling into a hole’ experience where I’d sleep more, watch more TV and generally wanted to hide myself. But if I simply had corrected myself immediately when that first thought of “oh I’ll do this later…” for example came up, I could have spared myself all this inner conflict and turmoil that in turn made me ineffective in my reality too. It is really that simple: forgive, correct, and move on.

The other pattern I’ve been seeing has to do with emotional energy:

I’ve realized that I’ve defined my ‘where I am’ based on energetic and polarized experiences. So for example, if I’ve written a blog that I am satisfied with, I’ll feel good about myself, feel like I am effective and doing well. In that I will carry myself in a ‘successful’ and ‘confident’ way and will direct my reality accordingly, in an experience of ‘self-trust’ and ‘confidence’. Then, if something ‘bad’ happens where I make a mistake or I am shown or see for myself a point that I didn’t handle effectively, or for example now where I’ve not written many blogs or applied self-forgiveness and have started slipping back into past patterns, I go into an experience of feeling ‘low’, starting to become uncertain of myself, feeling insecure, thinking that I’m not good enough, what I’m doing is not effective.

I’ve then wanted to hold onto the positive side of things, the experience of myself as being effective, and the happiness. When I am in that state of mind, I convince myself that it is real, that I am ‘through the clouds’ and that my experience is simply an expression of my effectiveness. But the thing is that in those moments, when I come ‘through the clouds’ – I feel relieved. And then I start fueling the idea of myself as being effective, being alright, being on top, being ‘in the game’ – and so when I hit the low again through making a mistake or facing something contradictory about myself that doesn’t fit into the idea of effectiveness, I crash.

It’s like one of those scenes in sci-fi movies where the person was in a delusion/illusion and was seeing this wonderful environment, and then they abruptly wake up and realize that they are in a completely different place, a dark, dirty and wet place and that they had been fooling themselves into thinking that they are on ‘cloud 9’.

So I experience this rough landing, seemingly ‘back in reality’ – but where I’ve ‘landed’ is actually in the negative polarity of the exact same pattern, because it very strikingly goes from ‘everything is perfect, I’m awesome, I’m so effective’ to ‘oh my god I can’t do anything right, I’m totally fucked, I’m doomed, I’m simply not good enough’ – thus indicating that I haven’t landed back in reality but in another illusion/delusion in/through my mind.

Ironically it is so that the things that I do when I’m in this effective state, they ARE in fact effective, at least to some degree, because obviously since I’m bringing energy into the equation, it is not yet an unconditional and absolute expression of myself, which in turn also affects the outcome and consequences of my actions, for example that I miss points, that I’m not specific enough or that I’m acting out of a desire for energy, to create an ‘effective experience’ of myself. It’s the same with the negative polarity; it is not so that what I see about myself is totally false or untrue, it is more that I’m taking the mistakes I make, the ‘brutal truths’ about myself personally and react and define myself according to them. In relation to this I also see how becoming depressed and judgmental about the ‘negative’ sides of ourselves is a self-manipulation tactic because it takes all focus away from actually taking responsibility for oneself.

All of this goes to show how intensely and heavily I’ve relied on energy to define and move myself in my world and my reality. It is an extremely volatile cocktail because within making just one mistake that I then react to, its like my entire world crashes before my eyes.

This is also a different dimension of energy than what I’ve seen previously in relation to my specific relationship to energy, because it is very basic and foundational, which I see is how I have come to take it entirely for granted. So when something ‘good’ happens, I ‘feel good’ and I define myself according to that good feeling as ‘good’ and when something ‘bad’ happens I ‘feel bad’ and define myself according to that bad feeling as ‘bad.’ But these rules are entirely made by me, because I can make mistakes that I cover up or lie to myself about and don’t feel bad about and I can make mistakes that for other people might seem entirely harmless where I end up defining myself as the most evil person on the planet.

I realize that in relation to effectiveness for example, it doesn’t define me. Being effective is simply being effective. Not being effective is simply not being effective. I’ve realized that any experience is like an additional layer (of separation and illusion) on top of actual reality, because experience it, instead of being it, living it – immediately and directly. So an experience in this context is where the mind reflects on what is happening in physical reality and then interprets that and define itself according to it. An experience of ‘confidence’ is therefore not confidence in fact as a living expression of self, but a simulation based on how the mind had interpreted what ‘confidence’ is through memories.

Something that I’ve also realized in relation to seeing these patterns more clearly, is how I’ve made the assumption/conclusion that because I feel something inside of my body, it is ’me’ and so within identifying what I experience as ’me’ through reflecting myself back to myself, I not only amplify the experience by validating it as real, but also go look for explanations such as in the negative polarity that ”I am not good enough” for example.

Within this, I’ve realized that there are two different minds so to speak. There is the physically manifested experience-mind that is entirely infused into the body which is why we’ll experience things on a physical level as a ’feeling’ that we then interpret as reflecting who we are – and then there is the cognitive-mind, the thinking-mind that through words, images and specific memories interprets the experience-mind.

So let’s say for example that I’ve been used to being in a certain state of energetic reaction and now I’ve effectively transcended it and am generally more stable and silent within myself. The thinking-mind then looks at the physical body experience and looks for ’mental matches’ to determine what experience this is and will then define the experience as a ’longing’ or a ’depression’ because there is now a sense of a ’void’ after one had stopped the energetic experience.

The various parts or aspects of the mind are therefore in reflective relationships with one another, where we will use the thinking-mind to interpret and define the experience-mind and within and through that will accept that: ”this is who I am.” I realized that I had accepted and allowed myself to accept that because I feel something within me, it automatically means that I am that.

So what I’ve been practicing is to first of all feel the energy and look at the experience within it and then have a look also at the reflections of the thinking-mind’s interpretation of the experiences. I’ve realized that I’ve relied heavily on experiencing myself as something and within that, ’locating’ myself based on an experience and I realize that I’ve been wanting to hold onto that, because I wanted to hold onto the positive aspect or polarity within it. But obviously it is not worth it and is only to the detriment of myself and of the physical body.

The solution that I’ve then come up with for myself is to, in relation to the first pattern I shared, push myself to apply corrections immediately – to not wait or believe or accept thoughts as ‘harmless’. In relation to the second pattern, it has assisted me immensely; in fact the only thing that assisted was to apply self-forgiveness out loud while moving by body and my arms. Within doing this, I allowed myself to feel the energy and to see how the mind interpreted and attached the energetic experience with words like ‘weak’ an ‘unmotivated ‘and then I applied self-forgiveness on those experiences until I was clear within myself. I also spoke corrective and commitment statements in relation to no longer accepting or allowing myself to trust what I feel in my body as energetic experiences. This assisted me immensely and I learned the lesson to not wait until experiences escalate, because the more we let them escalate, the more the mind cements itself into the physical body where eventually we start seeing and accepting ourselves (and the world!) as that one experience, not realizing how we’ve cocooned ourselves in a virtual experience and that all along, we are still here in this physical reality, waiting for ourselves to wake up and snap out of it so that we can continue walking our process out of the mind and into life as who we are.

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