During the past year I have been studying for my driving license and during that process I have had the opportunity to see specific aspects of myself that only emerges when I am in situations where I have to learn something new that I do not automatically and immediately find easy to do. During the process of learning how to drive, I have come to see additional aspects of this pattern where for example that I, through this pattern have created certain ideas about myself.
When you deliberately stay away from things that do not come easy or natural and when you focus solely on the things that you are already strong at and that comes natural, it is easy to create a delusional and warped idea about yourself. So I have created the idea that I am a quick learner and that I do not have to study much to pick up on things. Through this I have become rather arrogant towards learning, not realizing how it was so easy for me because I was deliberately selecting things I knew I would be good at and avoiding those where I was not. So on the one hand I had created this arrogant and delusional idea about myself as being superior because things came easy to me – HOWEVER on the other side of that polarity was the moments in my life where I, for one reason or another had no choice but to face and learn things that didn’t immediately came easy to me. The interesting thing about driving is that it is certainly not something that I have been particularly bad at – but my reactions towards it have shown me how much I have limited myself through this pattern, because I have created a scenario where it is difficult for me to face and learn things when they don’t come easy. I simply haven’t built a ‘stamina’ and perseverance for things that doesn’t come easy immediately, as I would simply give up immediately and accept that giving up as entirely normal and valid.
With driving however, it is something that I have always wanted to learn and because of the work situation I am in and that I will be in, in the future, learning how to drive is rather imperative – and so giving up is not an option.
What has surprised me about learning how to drive as well as learning all the theory that one has to know about driving, is how it is an actual education – at least here in Sweden. I realize that I had this idea about learning how to drive that it was simply a matter of ‘going with the motions’ and that learning all the rules and regulations was more a matter of formality than something that was actually important to know. So when I started taking lessons, both privately and at a driving school, I was surprised how long it took to learn and how much was involved, from hand-eye coordination, to knowing all the traffic rules. It has felt as though I was not moving forward because I kept making mistakes and saw that my progress was slower than I wanted it to be. I have gained a profound respect for the traffic- and road-system because I have started to see how logically it is built to secure everyone’s safety when driving in traffic, but also how immature I have been towards driving and being in traffic in general.
Without consciously thinking about it, I expected that learning to drive would be quick and easy – and now that I am doing it, I am realizing how much is involved in that physical process and that it requires me to be patient, humble and take the educational process seriously. It has shown me how important it is to grasp and embrace an educational process in such a way that one supports oneself to learn in the best way possible. I have also realized as I mentioned previously, how arrogant I have been towards learning new things and how this has affected the way I approach learning. Where I stand at the moment, there is no going back; I AM going to learn how to drive. I now stand before the last tests which will determine whether I get my license or not and I realize that I haven’t given it my all, exactly because of this pattern of expecting things to come easy to me on one hand and on the other tend to give up when they don’t. I passed the driving test which was really cool and a cool confirmation of the fact that I have actually learned how to drive, but I didn’t pass the theory test on the first try, which indicates that I didn’t study enough – and I expected myself to pass anyway.
I watched a video the other day where a guy talked about his experience with learning how to drive. One of the things he said was that he had never been a very quick learner, but that he would persevere because he never gave up on himself. I see how I have created and accepted myself within and as this pattern to be the opposite, where I’ve expected myself to easily learn things and thereby gave up on myself just as easily when I didn’t.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant towards learning new things, because I had created a delusional definition of myself as always being good at new things and learning new things – because I deliberately avoiding doing and learning things that didn’t automatically come easy to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurity, inferiority and fear of learning new things behind an arrogance and superiority towards things that came easy to me, where I created an idea and belief about myself of being superior because I suppressed and avoided anything within which I might feel inferior
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into an experience of superiority of being really good at things, as an inflated idea of myself as ego, that was in fact based on avoiding anything and everything that I wasn’t immediately good at
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through creating this inflated idea about myself, have created the consequence that I deflate as soon as I am faced with any situation where what I am learning isn’t immediately easy, causing me to be extremely sensitive to anything that doesn’t come easy, where I would immediately go into reactions of blame, self-blame, judgment, self-judgment, self-pity, inferiority, fear and give up on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that it is embarrassing when I don’t learn something immediately or understand it immediately, based on having created an expectation towards and a belief about myself that I am a quick learner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a complete and utter failure when I don’t understand or learn something immediately
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself and others and to blame myself and others as well as my external environment when I don’t immediately pick something up and learn and understand it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern where I immediately give up and give up on myself when what I am learning doesn’t come easy to me, because I have created an expectation to myself of being able to learn things easy and because I have never taught myself or learned how to face and walk through learning something that isn’t easy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a definition of myself of being ‘more than’ and superior when things come easy to me and a definition of myself of being ‘less than’ and inferior when things doesn’t come easy to me, instead of approaching the point of learning something new practically, in realizing that there are certain predispositions causing me to learn more or less quickly, but that this in no way reflects on who I am
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when things do not come immediately easy to me, it simply means that I require studying more, practicing more, integrating the new skill more and that this is not a ‘bad’ or ‘embarrassing’ thing that implies that I am a failure, but simply a practical understanding of what it means to learn something new that I haven’t done before
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be humble, patient and practical when it comes to learning new things because I have created the delusional belief that things should just come easy to me immediately without me having to put any effort into actually learning them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disrespectful and arrogant towards the subjects that I am learning where I will blame the subjects themselves or something/someone in my external reality when I don’t get it, when the fact of the matter is that I didn’t actually study or give it my all, because I expected that learning would ‘come to me’ effortlessly rather than actually giving myself to it unconditionally
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about not studying or practicing something that I am learning, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve created a pattern of arrogance towards learning new things where I, on one hand expect myself to get things immediately/easily and at the same time that I’ve used this as an excuse and justification to not face myself and push myself within learning something that doesn’t actually come easy to me. I commit myself to embrace and be humble towards learning something new and I commit myself to stop this pattern of reacting when I see that it isn’t something I can immediately pick up. I realize that there are not many subjects that I can simply pick up immediately and thereby I’m limiting myself greatly if I will only learn things that ‘come to me’ where I don’t have to put any effort into it. I commit myself stop participating in, existing in/as and accepting and allowing the polarity of superiority/arrogance vs. inferiority/giving up on myself to exist within and as me in relation to learning new things. I realize that for me to expand myself to live my utmost potential I am going to have to expand myself beyond my immediate comfort zone. And so I commit myself to support myself to build stamina, patience, self-support and perseverance when it comes to learning new things that takes practice to learn. I realize that I cannot expect myself to be great at everything I do immediately and I can also not simply give up on myself when I don’t know how to do something or if I don’t understand something immediately. I commit myself to push myself to learn, to embrace the moment of learning and to create a supportive learning environment, method and expression for/as and within myself.
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