becoming a grown up, big girl panties, Big girl pants, growing up, not taking responsibility for your own life, putting on your big girl pants, still being a teenager, taking responsibility for your own life
Today a fascinating point opened up in a chat. I realized that I have been trying to metaphorically ‘squeeze, myself into ,’way too small pants’, meaning that I’ve postponed a point of expanding myself in relation to specific responsibilities in my world and my reality, in spite of my responsibilities having grown and that I’ve within that been holding onto a limited definition of myself, like clinging to a particular teenage version of myself instead of expanding myself to rather put my ‘big girl pants’ on and actually grow up. So as I’ve been ‘squeezing’ myself into these past ‘pants’ so to speak, they no longer fit because where I am currently at in my life and in my process, it is required of me to grow up and expand myself and to grow up. This is thus what I am here to change.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications for myself in postponing the point where I have to grow up, expand and take responsibility for myself in my world and my reality in relation to certain specific points and that I instead have kept myself in a limited self-definition and acceptance of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse for myself that I don’t have to change right not, that change can wait, that because I don’t have an urgent responsibility to direct in relation to a certain specific point, it means that I don’t have to take that point seriously or stand in a commitment to that, but that I can do that later and so within that not instead push myself to be progressive and stand at the forefront of the responsibility that I know I will have to take sooner or later and so assist and support myself to expand even further by taking responsibility for myself here instead of waiting for a responsibility to emerge in the future
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a teenage definition and acceptance of myself where I expect and rely on others to be the grown-ups, to take responsibility and to do all the tedious things that has to be done for life to run smoothly, while accepting myself as lazy, complaining, unwilling, resisting and not taking responsibility seriously
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I AM taking responsibility and that I AM being a grown-up when it comes to take responsibility for a certain specific point in my life because of how I talk about it – not admitting to myself that I’ve used talking and speaking as a way to conceal the fact that I’m not actually pushing myself or expanding myself to the utmost of my abilities and so keep the point of having to take actual responsibility at bay by stalling and by faking it so as to keep everyone, including myself in the illusion that I am a grown-up and I’m taking care of things – when in fact in practical reality it is evident that I am not, as I haven’t moved or been progressive or stood self-directed within taking responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and so from others and to hide my real agenda or my real motivation – because I knew that if I were to be self-honest and open about it, I would not be able to defend or justify it as I know it isn’t justifiable and so as to hold onto this definition and experience of myself, I’ve deliberately kept it secret and hidden, even from myself – although I knew exactly what I was doing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I don’t have to take responsibility now, that it is okay if I postpone growing up and taking responsibility for my own life, because no serious consequences comes from it, not realizing that every moment of postponement is a moment of opportunity lost and gone forever that I could have used to expand myself, to grow and develop my skills and capabilities and so manifest my utmost potential and where I am then spiting my own life and so life as a whole by taking myself, my life and my time for granted
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would just suddenly ‘grow up’ and ‘expand’, not realizing or admitting to myself in self-honesty, that to grow and expand I actually have to take responsibility and I have to stand directively responsible for growing, developing and expanding myself or I won’t grow, develop or expand
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of superiority, delusion and self-interest where I would expect that things would just come to me and where all I had to do was to ‘give it time’ and ‘wait for it to happen’ when in fact nothing substantial happens in this world without self-directed and consistent application
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to delude myself and to deceive myself into believing that because I have grown up and have developed and expanded myself in relation to certain points, it means that I am now pr. Definition a ‘grown-up’, that I am now taking full responsibility in all areas of my life, when I know very well that there are certain specific areas where I have justified, accepted and allowed myself to NOT expand, to not mature, to not grow up and become responsible but where I’ve instead secretly accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of taking things for granted and fooling around while expecting the world to serve me opportunities on a silver platter
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity of what it means to grow up – in how growing up means to independently take responsibility for my own life and to within that enable myself to expand my responsibilities and so my skills and abilities and thereby learn more about myself and the world and how that also means to be effective in structuring my time and understanding the importance of being consistent and disciplined even with the so-called ‘menial’ and ‘trivial’ matters of life that simply has to be done
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not let go of a specific self-definition that I created when I was a teenager of ‘not caring’, ‘not respecting’ and not taking responsibilities seriously and to within that exist in a perpetual state of laziness where I deluded myself into believing that I was making myself independent and free – when in fact my decisions were based on reactions of fear and desire and so I was not free. I was simply going with the motions without realizing how these motions change when one goes from being a child to being a teenager, but that one is still governed by someone else/something else, namely the mind governing me from the inside out, through carious forms of imprinting, programming, memories and external stimulation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as ‘escape from having to take responsibility for myself’ – when in fact this is how I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist since the beginning of my existence – in a symbiosis of self-abdication and enslavement to the simulation of life that is the mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I have defined as freedom was in fact total and utter enslavement. It was simply a different form of enslavement, enslavement with a different slave driver so to speak, where I went from my mother dictating my moves to my mind dictating my moves and so foolishly believing that I was free
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can never be free until I take absolute responsibility for myself and all aspects and dimensions of myself, within as without because freedom means that nothing and no one else is the directive principle of and so responsible for, me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider the impact it had on me when I was a teenager and I thought that I was empowering myself by rebelling, by being lazy and resistant towards taking responsibility in how I laid down the foundation for who I was going to become and accept myself as – not realizing that I was doing anything but freeing myself as I was in fact locking myself into an extremely limited potential of expansion and development
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not grow and expand and develop myself through taking self-responsibility for myself and for my life when I in fact see and realize that I have the potential to do so
Self-Corrective and Commitment Statement
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications for not moving myself in a moment, for not expanding myself in a moment where I see that I have the opportunity to do so, I stop myself, I breathe and I push myself to move within and as self-discipline and self-responsibility
I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as escape from taking responsibility for myself and that I within this have limited myself extensively and have prevented myself from expanding, growing and developing and as such freeing myself. I commit myself to let go of the definition of freedom I have created as equating freedom with abdication of self-responsibility and I commit myself to walk and live a redefinition of freedom as freeing myself from being governed by anything but my self-directive self-will to live and expand myself here to the utmost of my potential.
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