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Not making decisionsIn the last post I wrote about the point of standing alone and as I was writing the post I kept thinking about two specific examples of how I’ve not stood alone. As I had written a very long post I decided not to go into or include these two examples, but what was very interesting is that I the next day stepped into and faced these exact situations. So as reality showed me that these were indeed timely and relevant points to consider, I will here be walking through them.

The first point has to do with doing things because other people tell me to, where I’ve seen how I would have a tendency to merely ‘follow along’ but without making a directive decision for myself and this would then show itself in how I’d be resistant and revolting against the decision made, reluctantly following along instead of simply making a decision for myself. So the context was some homeopathic medicine that I have to take and that my partner reminded me of. We got to discuss why I hadn’t taken the medicine and I explained how I was experiencing resistance towards it because I felt pressured to doing it and felt like it was something someone else had decided for me. In this context it was the homeopath and my partner and I saw how the reason was that I hadn’t actually understood why I should take the medicine or what its properties were. I could clearly see with other decisions I’ve made, how there is a stark difference when it is an informed decision I’ve made for myself independently without anyone else telling me to do it, where nothing can stop me from doing it and where I’m naturally disciplined and consistent to stick to my commitment. As we continued discussing, memories emerged of me having to take vitamins as a child where I also didn’t understand why I had to take them and thus forgot as well as with boyfriends when I was younger where I had to take birth control pills and then forgot.

The other point emerged when I was out to eat with my partner and got served a very stale, hard and cold piece of fish. For years I’ve had a fear towards this kind of situation where I am to ‘stand up for myself’ specifically in terms of sending food back and fear that the waiters or the chef will be angry at me and see me as a nagging person. I’ve mustered up the courage to at least say something now, where I would in the past just have eaten the stale fish while churning in fear inside myself because I was so scared of confronting the restaurant about it. This time I thus did say something but I still went into fear and thus accepted a replacement meal that was no way satisfactory. When my partner told me to go back again and complain I refused and we ended up switching meals. The memory that comes up in relation to this point is my experience of my mother being a nag when I was a child and teenager and how I would be so embarrassed by her and see the reaction in other people, for which I experienced her being totally out of line in many instances and as such made a ‘pact’ with myself to become a ‘good person’, being considerate and nice to other people, never wanting people to look at me the way they looked at her and judge her the way I judged her through the eyes of others.

I find it very interesting that these two patterns are the ones that emerged in relation to the point of ’Standing alone’. Because they certainly aren’t what I would have initially considered to be relevant in relation to this point as they seem so inconsequential and ’mundane’ but this is exactly the point of how ’the devil is in the details’ in how such a point of not standing alone comes through in such every day situations and moments. In both instances my focus is on following others instead of standing alone and in both instances I create internal conflict within me because of this. In the first I react out of spite towards something that I experience being pressed upon me, but it is actually simply because I don’t understand the point clearly and as such didn’t take it upon myself as an independent decision that I made for myself. In the other I specifically reacted in fear of being an inconvenience based on memories of a judgment towards my mother through the eyes of others. So I will here apply self-forgiveness on the first pattern that I see emergent in these concrete examples and as such assist myself in stepping one step closer to standing up alone. In the next post I’ll then look closer into the second pattern.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and be self-honest about the fact that when I make decisions that I don’t understand and where I am merely following the instructions of others without making a commitment to walk the decision for myself, it has the consequence that I do not honor or follow through with the decision in the same way I do when I make a clear informed decision for myself because I have basically accepted myself to be separate from the decision while giving someone else the responsibility for me walking the decision and as such are standing in a ‘half-assed’ decision that I’ve seemingly agreed to but that I haven’t actually made for myself and as such that I am not Here with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from decisions that I believe I am making, where I’ve in fact abdicated the decision to be made by someone else, either because I didn’t understand the decision, did not agree with it or simply because I’ve already abdicated the responsibility for making decisions to someone else

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and to blame and judge myself and think that “I am just not very good at following through with decisions” and that “I have a problem with consistency and discipline” and as such define myself according to a self-created limitation that I then accept as real and valid reason why I’m not following through with decisions – when in fact I am more than capable of making decisions when I’m making these for myself, in self-honesty, through an informed assessment and consideration of what is best for myself and so best for all – and within that realize that when I’m not following through with decisions, it is because I’ve separated myself from the decision and does thus not stand Here within and as it in self-direction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a comfort-zone in my mind where I have preferred that others made decisions for me, where I’ve literally abdicated decisions to others whether they’ve agreed to make decisions for me or not, because then I didn’t have to stand accountable and responsible and I didn’t have to be self-directed and stand as the authority of myself but could instead ‘go with the flow’ and merely ‘follow along’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want others to make decisions for me, because I have created a fear within myself towards making decisions where I feel anxious about making the wrong decision and pressured to make the right decision and as such have decided that it is easier if others simply make decisions for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist making decisions because I fear making the wrong decision and because I feel pressured to make the right decision

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive self-definition where I’ve seen and defined myself as a ‘flexible’ and ‘go with the flow’ kind of person – specifically so as to prevent myself from being seen as ‘dominating’ based on how I saw people react to my mother as a child and how I saw people react to me as a child where I was told that I was dominating, thus believing that if I let others make decisions, they would like me more and as such also justify my fear of making decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being ‘assertive’, ‘certain’ and ‘directive’ as being dominating and as such as being negative and conversely define it as positive to be ‘flexible’ and ‘go with the flow’ – not realizing how I created these definitions based on my reactions towards seeing how others saw my mother and my fear of making decisions and standing responsible within and as that and as such that these definitions were not based on common sense or on self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and accept a laziness and a complacency and a despondency within myself towards making decisions where I exist in a state of apathy and weakness that I’ve then deceived myself into defining positively as a ‘going with the flow’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others make decisions for me, where I simply accepted that “they know what is best” or “I’ll do it because they want me to” but where I then also within that created a conflict within myself of spiting the other person and the decision made because I felt forced and pressured into doing something that I didn’t understand or agree with – not realizing how it was not in fact them forcing me or pressuring me that was the problem, but me not taking responsibility for making my own decisions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that when others make decisions for me and I agree, it is the same as me making a decision for myself, when my inner conflict exposes how I stand in separation from that decision and my actions of inconsistency show that I haven’t actually decided but merely followed along

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take vitamins because my mother told me to, but without actually considering the benefit or purpose with taking vitamins in taking responsibility for myself and my body and based on doing thorough research for myself make an informed decision – and because it was my mother that told me to, I didn’t actually take the decision seriously or stand within it for myself, but instead rebelled against the point of ‘being told’ to do something and as such simply ignored taking the vitamins – instead of being self-honest and honest with my mother and establish a clear decision to either take them or not take them, instead of merely following along and at the same time not following along

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take birth control pills because my boyfriend wanted me to take them but where I hadn’t actually made the decision clearly for myself in understanding and agreeing with the purpose and reason for taking birth control pills and where I actually had a secret desire towards getting pregnant that I didn’t tell my boyfriend about and as such reluctantly agreed thus placing myself into a state of inner conflict because I was agreeing to something that I hadn’t really agreed to within myself, thus making it ’his decision’ that I then believed I had to follow and that I then sabotaged by ’forgetting’ to take the pills from time to time with the secret agenda of trying to get pregnant where I again stood with one foot in and one foot out of the decision blaming my boyfriend for having made the decision for me, when in fact I did nothing but agree with him because I knew that he didn’t want to have a child and it wasn’t the smartest thing to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to take the homeopathic medicine but without actually investigating the medicine for myself so that I could make an informed decision and so within this merely follow along while I was actually participating in thoughts of doubt towards the medicine and towards the homeopath that I didn’t address because my partner seemed to trust him and based on my pattern of being apathetic and distrusting towards myself when it comes to making decisions, I simply agreed but without actually agreeing and as such accepted and allowed myself to exist in a seesaw between making a decision and not making a decision which obviously had the consequence that I then weren’t consistent with taking the medicine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I depend on others to make decisions for me and when I follow along with the decisions made by others, my consistency and commitment to follow through with the decision is then dependent on the other person taking responsibility for the decision and standing as the authority of the decision telling me what to do and when to do it, which obviously isn’t an effective way to live because it means that I’m giving others the responsibility which means I have to rely on them to be consistent and disciplined when it comes to following through with a decision that actually has to do with me

Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to agree to something as a decision that involves me but without actually agreeing in awareness and self-honesty to walk the decision for myself based on a commitment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for the decisions that I make and that I agree to and that if I don’t take responsibility for the decisions I make or that I agree to, I am creating consequences, not only for myself but also for others because I am then separating myself from the decision and for the responsibility for the decision which I’m abdicating to another which means that I won’t be following through with the decision and more often than not I will create both internal and external conflict because I’m blaming another for deciding for me, when in fact I was the one who abdicated responsibility to begin with. I also realize that a specific way I can take responsibility for the decisions that I make and that I agree to is by making sure that I am informed and understand what is involved in making the decision, because through this I am taking responsibility for the decision and for myself within and as it in assessing it for myself. As such – I commit myself to take responsibility for the decisions I make and agree to in a self-honest assessment of what is best for all and for myself based on doing research so that I can stand by the decision I make in self-responsibility and awareness.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from a decision where I become despondent and passive and rather want another to make the decision, I stop and I breathe and I stabilize myself here. I realize that I’ve created a relationship of fear towards making decisions based on which I’ve created a pattern of abdicating decisions to others and justifying it within myself as ‘easier’ and ‘more comfortable’ all the while the real reason is that I don’t want to take responsibility for the decision and thus stand accountable for any consequences it may have. I realize that there is no such thing as abdicating responsibility. All I can do is to lie to myself and postpone the point of taking responsibility through facing consequence, which only compounds and creates more consequences when I don’t take responsibility. I commit myself to stop the pattern of wanting others to take responsibility for me through making decisions for me. I commit myself to stop accepting and believing that being passive and unresponsive and merely ‘going with the flow’ in the context of being apathetic towards decisions is ‘comfortable’ and ‘positive’. I realize that the definition of ‘going with the flow’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to live has been a definition of abdication of self-responsibility and as such I commit myself to redefine ‘going with the flow’ to an expression of myself based on a decision in awareness in a moment where I see that it is best to be flexible.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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