Last week I had quite an interesting dream. I dreamt that the world was ending or something had happened to the world that made it go completely out of balance, like reality had lost its stability and everything was now somehow falling apart. In the dream I was together with my partner and my mother. My partner told me that we had to go our separate ways that each of us had to stand alone within this and this made me panic completely. It wasn’t in the context of the relationship ending or us breaking up, but specifically towards the point of me being alone. I imagined how I would be all alone in the world and I kept asking: “but will we then never see each other again?” Due to what was happening with the world there was no other choice and I eventually came to terms with that, but I was very scared towards the outlooks of being completely on my own. I then started looking up survival techniques online because I realized that I knew nothing about surviving by myself. At some point in the dream I went with my mother to a shop and the lady there knew quite a lot about this world ending/being out of balance thing and in the end of the dream I asked her if we could stay with her for just one night. She agreed and I remember how utterly desperate I felt. I looked at the bed that was available and all I wanted to do was to curl up in it avoid having to face what the next day would bring.
I see that this dream is a cool opportunity for me to work with this point of standing alone, because it is certainly not something that I consciously experience or have any fears about, thus this is showing me how this is something that I have suppressed and that the dream now gives me the opportunity to deal with. Because I didn’t sort the fear out in the dream, although I tried to empower myself through learning survival techniques.
The entire theme of the dream I see tying together with other points I have been facing recently in relation to new directions in my life as well as point that has to do with daring to stand alone in self-honesty. I also see it having to do with a relationship to other people where I’ve feared giving up my personalities because I would fear that it would render me unable to function socially and thereby I would eventually stand alone.
So going back to the dream what I find is that I within the dream had an opportunity to transcend a fear of being all alone. And I did apply a corrective application within the dream of looking up survival techniques online, which I see was a way to attempt to become self-sufficient. Because that was exactly what I was afraid of, not knowing what the hell to do. And then I also see how I was coming from a starting-point of taking for granted that my security and standing in life was contingent upon being dependent on my closest relationships, my partner and my mother, because otherwise I obviously wouldn’t have panicked to the degree I did when my partner said that we had to go our separate ways. Because in the dream it was completely logical and indisputable that we had to go by ourselves, so my shock had more to do with an emotional and fear-based attachment that I had created towards the relationship. And when I went off by myself (though with my mother initially) I did so with the intent of getting to a point of standing on my own two feet. However I was still caught in fear and was very unsure of myself.
Someone once said to me that I always find a way. How I understood this is that no matter how shitty my life has been or how fucked up a situation I’ve stood in, I’ve always managed to come out of it with both feet on the ground.
So I see that there is a ‘gap’ between how I would act in reality were I placed in such a situation where I had to move through life all alone without being dependent on any relationships and how I see myself in a projected future of being in that position. What I mean to say is that in actuality I know and I trust myself to be able to walk through it – but I still fear doing it and thus resist it and even avoid it, potentially causing myself to stagnate, be dependent on others out of fear and basically remain in a comfort-zone out of fear.
When I look within myself at ‘standing all alone in the world’ I experience fear. In that moment I am looking for direction, feeling paralyzed because “I don’t know what the hell to do or where to go. I don’t know if I’m breaking any rules, I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong. What if I make a mistake?”. With standing all alone, I see myself as having lost all direction and my foundation in the world. That which I use to guide me on a daily basis is gone. So what this shows is the extent to which I’ve come to rely upon relationships and upon navigating myself based on being with others and how I haven’t yet established a foundation within and as myself to walk from. What happens when I look at standing all alone is that everything else disappears and all that is left is me and I don’t trust myself. So basically I see that this point has to do with self-trust. And what I’ve then also seen is how I’ve resisted letting go of my ‘social survival skills’ thus prohibiting myself from standing in self-honesty when I am with others which is something that I see compromises me on a daily basis.
Something that I’ve found quite odd in this context is that I generally quite enjoy being by myself and don’t consciously experience any fear towards being alone. Like I said, it’s like there’s a gap between reality and how it looks in my mind. But what I also see is that since it came up so vividly in the dream, it obviously implies that there is a point for me to transcend when it comes to standing alone. I see that the specific context actually has to do with self-movement and self-reliance, trusting myself to act effectively and make decisions that are Best for all. In fact, decision-making is surely a primary aspect of this point.
At this point I’m looking at what it means to stand alone and I come to think about people I’ve met in my life who I saw as standing alone in this context. These have predominantly and interestingly enough been males. It could be situations where a group would move to do certain things and where this male would go off and do something else or in a situation with a group pressure, this person would say no and stand by their own integrity. So something that I am seeing is that the point with being ‘mendable’ and ‘bendable’ is something that females typically do, catering to everyone else’s needs to satisfy a desire to belong, to have purpose in life and to create a positive experience of oneself. Females are taught that they aren’t strong enough to stand on their own.
So I will here be opening the point up through self-forgiveness and dive into the depths of my fear of standing alone.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear standing all alone in the world, with no one else outside of myself to guide me and direct me, because I have relied on standing with and being guided by others to guide and direct me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear standing all alone in the world, because I fear that I won’t know what to do or where to go or which decisions to make and because I don’t trust myself or have confidence in my own ability to make decisions and direct myself in my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified by the thought/image of standing all alone in the world with no one by my side to lean on and to trust to guide me and direct me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself the extent to which I’ve leaned on my relationships with others to guide me, direct me and make decisions – because what I see now is that it is not so much that I’ve been dependent on others to make decisions for me, but that I’ve relied on the relationships themselves and literally have leaned on the relationships as a comfort zone, making the relationship the starting-point for my self-movement and self-direction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear standing all alone in the world having to make decisions independently and autonomously relying only on myself, because I don’t trust myself and because I fear making mistakes
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship to mistakes based on fear, where I’ve rather relied on and leaned on my relationship to others and so hold others and the relationship responsible when I made mistakes, than standing on my own two feet risking making mistakes that I am solely responsible for
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lean on my relationship with others to such a degree that I would literally fall if they were to step away because I have been so reliant on leaning on them that I no longer knew how to stand on my own two feet. I realize that regaining my footing is simply a matter of standing myself straight up again and thus regain my balance within myself in trusting myself to stand on my own two feet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I’ve been leaning on my relationships to others to the degree where I would literally fall if they were to step away because I have been so reliant on leaning on them that I’ve got no footing of my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as incapable of standing on my own two feet, standing self-reliant in self-trust towards my own actions and decisions and as such accept it as natural and normal for me to lean on my relationships to others that I wasn’t even aware I was doing until they moved and I fell
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I only fear when I project myself into the future in my imagination where I imagine vague scenarios and then fear who I will be in relation to them, whereas when I face practical situations Here I more often than not trust myself to direct myself or find a way to direct myself. As such I realize that my fear of standing all alone is quite unfounded as it is really more about projected and unknown futures than it is about directing myself here in the physical – which is the only thing that matters as projected futures when they manifest will be here lol
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide behind and within relationships where I’ve actually weakened myself because I have validated my own fear and distrust towards standing all lone and as such have soothed this fear through using relationships as a comfort-zone, thus accepting myself as weak and dependent upon the relationship to direct myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use relationships with others as a place to hide from my fear and hide from myself through letting decisions be made within the relationship and for the relationship and in consideration of the relationship first and foremost (or even for the other person/people) – so that it is always the relationship that stands responsible for any consequences that may arise and not me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to make any independent and autonomous decisions unless I am already all alone where I am forced to make decisions and thus can’t hide from myself and as such have instead used manipulation tactics to get what I wanted or have victimized myself and placated myself while secretly blaming others for my disempowerment – that I myself have placed myself into
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to decide to not stand alone and to instead overthrow myself to the governing forces of social relationships when I was a child and I saw the consequences of standing alone where I feared being ostracized, attacked, rejected and decided that it is much easier to ‘follow the stream’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve been existing in a perpetual state of fear and avoiding conflict by constantly making sure that I’m not ‘standing out’ and thus standing up alone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to stand up alone, I would be rejected and ostracized not realizing how I’ve through this in fact rejected and ostracized myself and have thus made fear my directive principle
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to give up the social strategies, the manipulation tactics, the constant analyzing of my social environment and all the personalities that I’ve created for the purpose of social survival and the constant restraining of myself to make sure I don’t ‘step out of bounds’ because I fear what would happen if I did
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be proud of myself and to be pleased with myself and positively satisfied with myself because I see myself as ‘mendable’ and ‘flexible’ and ‘accommodating’ in my relationship to others when in fact I am within that compromising myself out of fear and deliberately leaning on my relationship with others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve been ‘passively aggressive’ in my mendable personalities because I’ve been ‘playing the game’ while existing in conflict inside myself because I knew I was compromising myself and was blaming others for this as though they’re the ones forcing me to ‘stand down’ and as such have accepted and allowed myself to instead try and dominate others and use socially acceptable strategies of dominance and manipulation to get what I want – instead of standing on my own two feet as an actual expression of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect others to make decisions for me, in my refusal to stand alone and as such have given them the responsibility for the decisions I make instead of taking responsibility for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being ‘too strong-willed’, ‘too dominating’ and ‘too loud’ and as such through out my entire life believe that I have to tone myself down, that I have to be more mendable, more accommodating – which is true from one perspective, but the difference is that I was coming from a starting-point of self-judgment and fear, seeing myself from within the bounds of the social system rather than seeing my expression in self-honesty in a context of what is best for all. So what was supposed to be standing alone in self-trust became a dominating expression of superiority and what was supposed to be humbleness, listening to others and flexibility became a fearful, self-containment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity of what it means to stand alone, as standing within and as myself in self-trust, self-honesty and self-integrity where I am the point from which I move, I am the point from which I asses and cross-reference the decisions I make within looking at what is best for me and what is best for all – where I have instead placing my ‘standing’ as a leaning against relationships with others specifically within having the social system as my starting-point in a state of fear of not surviving imploring social strategies to survive and be accepted by others
I forgive myself that I as a child, would step out of the comfort and enjoyment of being with myself which was something I enjoyed a lot through creating a belief that perhaps there’s something wrong with me and that I should have friends. In fact I remember that it was my mother who started talking about that I should have friends where we lived and initiated the process of trying to get me friends
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desperately desire to have friends based on a belief that without friends it means that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not good enough and that my own company is certainly not enough
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I superimposed my mother’s worry that I didn’t have any friends to play with and her worry that I would be lonely that really was her projecting her own fear of standing alone onto me, onto myself when in fact I was quite satisfied playing with myself until that point where I then devalued my own company and started believing that it wasn’t enough
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve in essence always been standing alone as I am an individual and no one else is existing within me but me and as such that ‘not standing alone’ is actually an ‘unnatural’ state of self-separation born out of fear, where, the moment I separated myself from myself I started looking outside myself for that which ever only existed within and as me, as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use romantic relationships specifically as a point to lean on when it comes to the direction of my life, the success of my life and the stability and security of my life – as those are aspects that I’ve separated myself from and believed myself to be unable to effectively handle and direct and I’ve always had a sense of instability and insecurity towards my life that I then believed would be given to me by being in a relationship with a stable partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, based on having had a financial unstable life as a child living with only my mother, find solace in fairytales such as Cinderella especially that promises security and happiness ever after through going into a relationship with a financially stable man, not realizing how such fairytales and stories have been directly create to ensure that women do not stand up on their own two feet or become independently financially stable but instead will lean on a man and as such disempower herself and thereby do not unleash her inner power and self-stability
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the two primary relationships that I’ve leaned on and thereby have abdicated my power and self-responsibility to has been that with my mother and that with my partners and that I within always having these to lean on have never stood on my own two feet realizing that I have the power and the ability to direct myself and my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to become financially stable and comfortable, let alone successful in the system because I have accepted my ‘faith’ based on the conditions that I’ve grown up with as a child as absolutely set in stone to the point where all I dared to do was to fantasize about getting out of that predestined life but always believing that it was impossible, unless I could get a man to lean on
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve got the power to be financially stable and successful but that in order to step into such a life I have to dare to step out of my self-created limitation and fear, to trust myself and to walk the practical steps involved with creating such a life for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why I’ve not dared to stand on my own two feet, to stand all alone and to trust myself to direct myself effectively in my life is because of fear – and as such that in the end, what I’ve been leaning on has been fear, hiding myself from fear, within fear, thus doing nothing but perpetuating fear in a false sense of comfort and ‘escape’
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to ‘follow the stream’ from a starting-point of fear of standing alone, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the stability of my physical body. I realize that I’ve been fearing to stand alone because I’ve devalued myself and my own company and have abandoned myself to fit into social systems and relationships in the belief that I needed others more than I needed myself. I commit myself to stand on my own two feet and I commit myself to asses decisions from a starting-point of self-integrity and self-honesty first and only then the system or group or relationship in which I am involved in the context of what is best for all
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up or standing up because I fear creating conflicts with others or that they will reject me and I’ll be all alone, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the stability of my physical body. I realize that I’ve in essence always been alone and as such I cannot lose anything that wasn’t lost to begin with. I realize that I’ve been leaning on and relying on my relationships with others out of fear of standing alone, because I had devalued myself and my own ability to create and establish an effective life for myself. I realize that I actually do trust myself to direct myself and that I have much skills I can use to create a life for myself and that there is lots I can learn to further stabilize myself in my life – but that I actually have the power to create an effective life, with the support and assistance of others as walking with each other, but without me being a ‘dead weight’ ‘limp’ kind of person having to lean on the relationships to survive. I commit myself to walk my self-trust and to embody my self-trust and to live my self-trust. I commit myself to stop fearing and doubting that I won’t be able to direct myself effectively because I’ve proven to myself that I am more than capable of doing exactly that even if there still are things I have to learn and become more effective within. I realize that I have always had the power and then ability to direct myself but that I have abandoned and abdicated this ability and power specifically to fear and through accepting certain beliefs such as the female design of dependency on men as well as the apparent need to have friends. I realize that I’ve abandoned my own enjoyment and confidence in myself for a comfort zone that meant that I leaned on and depended upon relationships to direct me so that I could hide and don’t have to stand accountable. I commit myself to stand accountable and responsible for myself and my actions and I commit myself to stand by myself and to trust myself to make decisions for my own life.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to lean on a relationship to make decision where I wait on another to first decide simply because that has become my default comfort-zone response, I stop and I take a breath and I asses the decision for myself independently. I realize that I’ve been relying on others and on my relationships with others to make decisions for me because I’ve feared making decisions for myself and have accepted this state of mind as a default comfort-zone. I commit myself to begin making decisions for myself and to step out of and stop my default comfort-zone of waiting for others to make decisions. I realize that no one else is responsible for me and no one can make decisions for me.
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to go into a fear of standing alone where I see that I’m leaning on another or on a relationship by default because I fear directing myself, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the stability of my physical body. Because I realize that this is the only point from which I can stand up and direct myself. And I realize that I am more than capable of directing myself and as such that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply become ‘comfortable’ with relying on others because I believed it was easier and it meant I wouldn’t have to stand solely accountable for my actions, but it also meant that I limited myself, I inferiorized myself and I let fear be and become my directive principle, thus accepting and allowing myself to be governed by fear. I commit myself to become self-governed and as such I commit myself to stop separating myself from my own responsibility for myself. I commit myself to stop fearing to stand alone as I realize that I’ve always ever standing alone – I’ve simply separated myself from myself as standing alone and haven’t allowed myself to find my footing through self-trust and self-honesty. I commit myself to stand on my own two feet and as such to take responsibility for myself and for my life.
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