In the world of monkeys it is usually so that the lower ranking monkeys will groom the higher ranking monkeys in the hopes of climbing up the social latter. In a documentary I saw recently about primates, for a particular monkey species that lives on Gibraltar this will actually play out quite dramatically in the lower ranking male monkeys stealing baby monkeys from their mothers to give as a ‘gift’ to the alpha monkey. Then the two male monkeys will sit there cuddling the baby for a while until they get tired of it and if the alpha monkey is satisfied, the lower ranking monkey just might be able to gain a higher position. Seeking validation, a stamp of approval that we are of worth and value is thus a corner stone in the social structures of our primate family. So why is it that we are so consumed with seeking validation from others? Why is it that our worth or value within a group or even within ourselves is determined by those we deem superior to us?
In this post I am continuing from the last post where I wrote about reacting to my own perception of another person’s expression within seeing them as being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ in their expression and then how I’ve compared myself to that and ‘lost’ my grounding when communicating with them.
In the last post I left off with self-forgiveness in relation to the words ‘steadfast’ and ‘certain’. So in this post I will continue with the words ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ as well as the other points that emerged as I investigated my reactions in relation to this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word assertive in such a way where, when I am communicating with someone whom I perceive to be ‘more assertive’ than me, I immediately start doubting myself and the perspectives I am sharing as well as go into a state of inferiority and blame towards the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as having ‘lost’ my own assertiveness when I perceive another to be ‘more assertive than me’ as though my assertiveness is dependent on being validated by another’s submission and accordingly also invalidated if another is ‘more assertive’ thus leading me to retreat and submit
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where people’s expressions are competing with each other where there is for example only room for one person being assertive at a time, automatically making the other person ‘less’ – when in fact our expressions are not dependent on how other people express themselves and so I realized how limited I have defined and perceived expression to be. Furthermore I also see how I have defined expression in this context as being very one-sided instead of seeing how different people express ‘assertiveness’ for example in unique ways, thus not making one expression any more or less than another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I perceive another to be expressing ‘assertiveness’ that this automatically overrides and invalidates my expression of assertiveness – unless I see that I can express myself as ‘more assertive’ than them, for which I would then see and judge them as being inferior to me as though that’s completely natural and normal
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my experience of assertiveness can be ‘removed’ in an instance by me reacting to another expression what I perceive to be assertiveness, then my assertiveness wasn’t actually real or an expression of myself but merely an imitative experience of ‘what it looks like to be assertive’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I was assertive because I experienced myself as assertive, when in fact I haven’t absolutely lived assertiveness as an unconditional and unwavering expression of who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the expression of assertiveness can only exist based on a solid foundation within myself of for example standing steadfast and certain within myself – and as such I realize that assertiveness must be based on me trusting myself and standing solidly in the foundation of who I am, something that I have not yet fully established. I realize how this is not ‘wrong’ or bad’ and I see the gift of me reacting and feeling ‘pushed’ when I am with someone whom I perceive to be ‘more assertive’ because it shows me how I’ve not yet stood as assertiveness within me. I see how assertiveness comes through when a seed has developed firm roots and a strong body. Assertiveness is then for example how the flower stands tall and bashes in the sunshine or how it develops bright colors. This expression is like an ‘end expression’ that comes from having a solid and stable foundation from which growth and expansion is possible. Throughout my life I’ve focused more on ‘being colorful’ and ‘bashing in the sunshine’ than on developing a secure root system down there in the darkness of the soil of my being. So – cool analogy to see what it is I need to work on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react, when I perceive another as expressing themselves in a ‘firm standing’ within what they are speaking about, where I experienced myself being ‘wavered’ and ‘moved’ by their expression of standing because I compare myself to it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and define my own expression based on a ‘decoding’ of the power structure of inferiority/superiority within a conversation/relationship, where I either take on the superior or the inferior experience/character depending on how I read the situation/relationship with the other person/people that I am speaking with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept there to always be a superior/winner and an inferior/loser within a relationship/conversation instead of simply expressing myself here in equality where my self-expression isn’t dependent on what the other person expresses
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another stands firm in what they are expressing, it means that I cannot stand firm within myself and either must try and win over them and thus ‘win’ this expression as form of superiority or I must ‘fold’ and accept myself as inferior to them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only notice and become aware of the situations where I take on the inferior role in a conversation/relationship while being ‘blissfully unaware’ of the situations/relationships where I take on the superior role – because I within that feel ‘good’ and want to convince myself that this is ‘natural’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate and define ‘not standing firm’ within what I am speaking about/expression as something that is ‘negative’ and where I am automatically inferior, when not standing firm has nothing to do with anyone else, it cannot be moved by anyone else – instead it shows me where I have not yet solidified my stance in relation to a specific point or information which isn’t ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – it’s actually a cool point of support
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react when I perceive another as ‘standing firm’ within what they are expressing within seeing that I don’t stand firm because I within that believe that I am then inferior and a ‘loser’ in the conversation, instead of simply bringing the point of not standing firm back to myself in a self-honest introspection where it doesn’t mean that I have to lose my foundation entirely, but simply that I hadn’t yet established a solid foundation within me, which I then now have the opportunity to do because I see that I’m not standing firm and to then also allow myself to listen to the other person unconditionally without feeling threatened by their expression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a positive energetic reaction of feeling proud of myself and happy and relieved when I experience myself being validated by a person that I have seen as superior to me, where I within one moment can change my entire experience of myself from ‘low’ and inferior to suddenly feeling like I am ‘high’ as though ‘who I am’ changes according to how others respond or do not respond to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a desire for X to respect, trust and validate me within and as having projected self-honesty onto X believing that X is more trustworthy than me and that X is more self-honest than me and therefore having given X the prerogative and responsibility to define me and my worth and value as a being through how they respond to me and recognize me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel validated (or invalidated) by someone that I’ve defined as superior within my mind, it doesn’t actually mean that I am being validated – meaning that I’ve being given ‘more worth’ or even just worth or value in general by someone else, because the validation experience I create within me is an experience that I’m creating myself through interpretation and ‘decoding’ of another’s response to me. As such I realize how this entire point has to do with self-separation and projection, where I first separate myself from myself as value/worth and then from there project that onto another and according to their response based on the ‘rules’ that I’ve made within myself, I then ‘give’ myself value and worth back or I don’t. I realize how this is a crazy way to live and also to involve other people within this and kind of play them out against me in using them as proxies for my own self-separation and devaluation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a suspension field between desiring for X to validate me and fearing that X will mock or judge me, thus existing in a point of waiting for the ‘verdict’ as to whether I will be validated/valued or not – not realized that I’ve been using other people to play myself out against myself, creating rules in my subconscious about how to experience and define myself based on how I perceive other people reacting or responding to me, but where it actually has nothing to do with them and never did.
When and as I am speaking to someone and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to perceive and see them as superior to me where I see that I am experiencing a desire for them to validate me and a fear that they will invalidate me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve projected my value/worth onto others where I’ve in my mind given them the responsibility to validate me or assign me worth or value or not, when in fact it is not really them that in fact validate me as validation is an experience that I’ve created within my mind, based on how I interpret my own perception of how others respond to me. So for example if they don’t answer my question, I would take that personal and perceive it as an invalidation of me – when in fact it has nothing to do with me, and even if it did, it still wouldn’t prescribe or define my value or worth as that is not something another can give or take away from me. So I see how I’ve very specifically defined my value and worth in separation from myself as something that always only exist outside of me and that I have to be ‘given back’ by the grace of another which essentially makes me a slave to their reactions and responses – which in fact makes me a slave to my own perception and interpretation based on a flawed system of social decoding. As such – I commit myself to take responsibility for myself as value and worth and I commit myself to take responsibility for the validation that I’ve sought in/through others because I realize that it was never them that validated or invalidated me. It was myself doing it to myself all along through how I interpreted other’s expressions. So I commit myself to stop seeking validation in/from others as I realize that I’ve over ever actually been seeking for my own validation and as such I realize that I can let the point go and now continue walking and explore what it means to value myself and stand within self-worth within myself.
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