Recently I experienced an interesting reaction towards a person that I interacted with in my world. Days later I had a dream about the person where they during the course of the dream told me that I have to make sure that I get everyone out alive. I remember how I at first thought the person was mocking me or judging me and when I realized that they were looking to me to take responsibility, I was surprised because it didn’t fit with my perception of their perception of me. In the end I felt proud that they had shown me the trust to take care of things.
When bringing the dream back to the reactions I had days prior I could see how I had tried to impress the other person and how I had wanted them to validate and respect me while fearing that they were mocking and judging me. What is interesting about this reaction is that it doesn’t have anything to do with the other person, because I can see how I react and respond the exact same way to other people that I perceive being the same way. The primary trigger-point is their voice tonality and their body posture/movements.
So what I have identified with looking at how and why I react the way I do, is that I see and perceive people towards whom I trigger this reaction as being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ in their expression. When I speak to them all content goes out the window which means that even if I see the common sense of what I am saying in self-honesty, I start doubting myself and becoming unsure of where I stand, because I perceive them as being SO certain, so steadfast, so assertive and firm within what they are saying and how they are saying it. So I react to my perception of their expression in comparing myself to it and then inferiorizing myself to it, through which I then create internal conflict within myself because I now have placed their perspective as innately authoritative and thus superior within me, irrespective of what is being said or shared for which I then automatically make my own perspective and expression inferior. From there I’ve then gone into blaming the other person for ‘doing this to me’ and I have victimized myself and I have then tried to ‘regain’ strength, power and standing within myself through trying to get them to validate and respect me. This of course happens within split seconds, but usually the majority of my interaction with people whom I react this way to, is spend on trying to prove myself to them and impress them, sort of trying to match their expression. More often than not I would also perceive them as being irritated or annoyed with me and would within invalidating my own expression justify that as righteous and real after which I would become pliable to try and change myself according to how I think they’d want me to be. What interestingly enough has often happened in these type of situations is that the more I’ve tried to match the person and prove to them that I am worthy, the more irritated they have seemed to become, thus having the exact opposite effect of what I intended.
I see that there are several points relevant here, specifically in how I’ve separated myself from the words ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ and that I have also within this limited these expressions to be how I have perceive these people expressing them – meaning that I then believed that I had to become like them, instead of developing my own self-expression of what it means to be ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’.
So when I see their expression, I don’t recognize this within me and then immediately react, take it personally and experience my entire foundation within myself having been shaken. What I see happens there is also that I, when I came into the conversation believed myself to be ‘on solid ground’ but through seeing this person’s expression being so strong, I’m faced with the reality of myself that is that I haven’t actually developed this expression for myself in absolute detail and specificity. Because otherwise I would have been able to simply communicate with the person, standing stable within myself – without starting to shake in my foundation. So that is another thing that is cool about this, that the other person is actually showing me how my foundation is shaky, when they, with their mere presence and voice tonality so totality can shake me to such a degree that I become completely wavering.
So I will here apply self-forgiveness to release the point, bring it back to myself and take self-responsibility for who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become so that I can change and develop a self-expression within living the words ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an automated reaction when I am speaking with a person whose expression, voice tonality and body posture I associate with the words ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ where I immediately experience myself as shaken in my foundation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an automated reaction to the association I have created towards a particular voice tonality and expression through storing memories within me about the other times where I encountered a person towards whom I triggered the same reaction – and so virtually existing in a repetition of the past and not actually being here, communicating openly and immediately with another person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an automated reaction based on equating my perception of another’s expression being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ with me losing my own grounding, becoming insecure and going into a state of inferiority
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automated state of inferiority, insecurity and fear when I am speaking with a person that I perceive to be ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ within how I’ve compared myself to that expression and in seeing that it is not within me in the exact same way as I see it in another, I’ve concluded that they then are ‘more certain’, ‘more steadfast’, ‘more assertive’ and stand more ‘firmly’ on their ground than I do and that they thus per definition are authoritative over me, independently of the information being shared
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that people whom I perceive and react to being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ automatically are authorities on what they are speaking about and therefore that I should trust their words more than I trust my own simply because they sound more certain than I feel in that moment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate in an automated reaction of immediately start doubting myself and wavering in my stance when I perceive another as being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ in their expression in experiencing myself as being ‘knocked over’ by their ‘presence’ and thus because they sound so certain I start doubting myself instead of simply investigating my own words and perspectives in self-honestly, independent on what or how another expresses themselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other for my experience of inferiority, insecurity and wavering within myself within believing that their certainty is causing my experience because they are the authority in the situation and as such it is their responsibility to create the situation and thus they have also created my experience within myself when in fact all of this are attributes that I am projecting onto the other in an abdication of responsibility for myself and in separation from myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in that moment of hearing another’s voices being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ where it is as though their expression ‘trumps’ mine when in fact the two have nothing to do with each other
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, before going into the conversation with the other person, experience myself as (at least relatively) ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ and then when I hear this person speaking it is like I lose my entire grounding – when in fact, that ground, that foundation can not have been real if it by hearing a voice can be knocked over so easily
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by me reacting to what I see as another’s expression of ‘steadfastness’, ‘certainty’, ‘assertiveness’ and ‘firmness within their standing’ is showing me that I have separated myself from this expression of/as myself, that I haven’t fully stood as or developed this as a self-honest expression of myself – because otherwise I would simply recognize it in another in equality and not feel threatened or knocked over by it but have simply stood stable within myself throughout the conversation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that if another person expresses ‘steadfastness’, ‘certainty’, ‘assertiveness’ and ‘firmness within their standing’, it automatically means that I am not these words or this expression and that I am thus less than and inferior to the person and they are thus the authority in the situation meaning that they’re words can be trusted as more self-honest and more valid than mine – no matter what they say or I say
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and accept an automated reaction within me of feeling nervous and anxious when I am speaking to a person that I perceive as ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to impress the person I am speaking to, by attempting and trying to make myself appear ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ in my expression and so attempt to get them to validate me based on the authority that I have projected onto them and to prove myself to them, in an attempt to regain my ‘footing’ that I believe has bee shattered by the superiority and overpowering of their expression of being ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have projected my own separation from the words ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ onto another and so have given them the power and authority to validate and create an experience of such an expression within me – not realizing that I am the only one that can do that for myself within and through creating myself AS those words as an expression of myself in equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself when I experience myself being validated by a person that I perceive to be ‘steadfast’, ‘certain’, ‘assertive’ and ‘firm’ and thus automatically superior to me, where I feel relieved because they’re not mocking or judging me and thus feel like I’m ‘on my way’ to get the validation I believe myself to have lost through standing in their shadow
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully develop or explore the living word and expression of being steadfast within me as an unconditional expression of myself of standing on a solid foundation within myself and as such separate myself from the word, partly within accepting that “I am not steadfast” as though I within the core of my being have no capacity for such an expression and partly within creating an imitative form of steadfastness based on how I’ve interpreted others to be where I deceive myself into believing that “I am steadfast” when in fact I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the word stead-fast means to stand secure, steady and firm within oneself and how I have not lived such an expression of myself because I have for one been more focused on being flexible, mendable and moldable from a starting-point of fear of being rejected by others, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to become wavering, weakened and sluggish because I didn’t live flexibility as an expression of myself but as a conditioned behavioral pattern that I created based on subjecting myself to fear as a directive principle – and as such I couldn’t live steadfastness because I had go ground to stand on within/as myself as a self-honest self-directed decision of who I am and who I will be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how my reaction to the person whom I perceive to be steadfast clearly shows how I haven’t lived steadfastness as an expression of myself, within how quick I am to ‘lose my grounding’ and to change myself and to try and mold myself to get the person to validate me as that has been my survival strategy
As such I realize that my reactions towards people in my world whom I perceive to be steadfast actually are of utmost support, because through them I can get self-honest and stop lying to myself within deceiving myself into believing that “I am steadfast” when it is clear that I am not and that is not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. It is simply how I have developed or underdeveloped myself and now that I see and understand that I am able to apply and develop steadfastness as a living expression of who I am – as who I decide to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word certainty, specifically in relation to walking process and self-honesty where I believe and accept myself to be uncertain instead of establishing and developing certainty within myself and so when I perceive another as expressing certainty I react and go into a state of inferiority – in fact because I within that moment was exposed to my own lie wherein I had convinced myself that I was certain, when in fact I was not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I perceive another to be certain within what they are speaking about within experiencing that their certainty automatically disqualifies and devaluates any perspective I may have – when in fact, if I was certain in fact I would not experience any ‘threat’ from another being certain
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what I perceive as another being certain within what they are speaking about, because of how I have defined them as superior to me, as ‘more self-honest’ than me and as an authority within instantly believing that this makes whatever they are saying more valid and more true than what I say or express when in fact I cannot asses what another is saying based on a memory I have of them or based on a definition that I have assigned to them within my mind, especially when I have created that definition in a polarized relationship to myself where I see them as superior and me as inferior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assess information unconditionally and independently on who is saying it and to simply look at the information within myself and accordingly make a self-honest assessment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my perception of another and thus of myself by defining them one dimensionally within me based on a story I’ve created in my mind about ‘who’ they are and ‘what’ they are and ‘how’ they are – when in fact that has nothing to do with the reality and the situation I am in right now as I can only asses a moment in the moment based on that moment and use the past only as a point of reference but not as a determining factor for what is being shared now
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how me reacting to a person expressing what I perceive to be certainty, actually exposes my own limited self-definition where I’ve held onto a story about myself in my mind based on memories where I’ve defined myself as ‘uncertain’ instead of self-honestly assessing my certainty within sharing myself in a moment based on that moment and the information I have accessible and accordingly correct or align myself to become certain instead of believing that I am inherently uncertain and therefore untrustworthy and that others are inherently certain and therefore trustworthy
I realize that I am certain about specific points of information within me and as such it is not true that certainty does not exist within me. Furthermore, I also realize that it would be alarming if I was certain about everything – and as such that certainty is in the end a combination of self-honesty and the extent of information that one has available at any given moment within a point of standing equal to that information and as such that being uncertain doesn’t define me as ‘untrustworthy’ and thus inferior or invalidated or another as ‘trustworthy’ and thus superior and validated because I perceive them to be certain. Certainty can thus be defined as an expression that I can only live in self-honesty once I stand equal to a point of information. I realized that I haven’t lived certainty within this definition in many instances and that I have thus been deceiving myself by pretending to be certain within accepting and allowing myself to speak and express from a starting-point of ego and superiority – and I realized that it is the opposite I have done when I perceive another as being certain and even within myself where I’ve gone to the other polarity of defining myself as uncertain in moments where I actually could have established certainty within me by equalizing myself to a point of information.
In the next blog I will continue with exploring this point as well as the living words and expressions of being assertive and standing firm within oneself.
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