Throughout my process and my life in general, a prominent point that I have experienced has been dissatisfaction. I only recently, through being assisted and supported to see these points by another, understood that the point isn’t so much about the points that I am dissatisfied about, but the state of dissatisfaction that I have created myself into and as. What I mean is that until recently I have only been focused on the points that I was dissatisfied about. I hadn’t realized that I have existed in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction towards multiple points in my life. The point that I’d like to share here and further investigate for myself is that the ‘problem’ isn’t in fact being dissatisfied, but that I have connected emotional reactions to this dissatisfaction. What I was assisted to see as I chatted to someone else about it, is that dissatisfaction actually can be quite cool and can be a tool that one can use to push oneself to expand and improve. Because such an expression will assist one to not become complacent or stop in one’s process of self-expansion but to instead constantly push oneself further and beyond what one could have ever imagined.
Instead I made the equation in my mind that dissatisfaction = there is something wrong = there is something wrong with me/someone else = that is bad lol.
And then I stopped and I stayed there, in that headspace of being dissatisfied, constantly thinking about this thing or this point being wrong, being a problem being something that should be fixed – without actually moving myself to a point of change or correction.
Let’s take an example to illustrate this point: Let’s say that I am dissatisfied with my sleeping patterns. I have been oversleeping, waking up later than I would prefer to and I am seeing this in self-honesty based on an understanding of how much sleep is required for the physical to rest as opposed to how much sleep the mind requires to regenerate itself in the body. And I am seeing this based also on an understanding that when I oversleep it is usually due to a point that I am avoiding and suppressing within me. (In rare occasions there can also be physically points causing the body to need additional sleep). So this is the reason why I oversleep. Now, to support this pattern of self-sabotage the mind uses sub-patterns of self-sabotage like laziness and self-manipulation. So within being dissatisfied with my sleeping patterns, what I have then done is to take it personally and to for example blame and judge myself for being lazy. I didn’t for example take the point through to self-investigation of in self-honesty asking myself what it is in my life that I am trying to avoid by over-sleeping. So the dissatisfaction can be a point of self-honesty of simply not being satisfied with a point of application and then utilizing that reference of expression that ‘something’s not sitting right’ to investigate, correct and expand oneself. Or as I have used dissatisfaction, it can be a limitation where I stop myself and I don’t move myself beyond the point of dissatisfaction because I take the point that I am dissatisfied personally and react to it, through judgment or blame.
Let me give an example also of where the dissatisfaction is constructive to show the difference between the two forms of dissatisfaction:
In am very particular about how I like and enjoy my house to be. I prefer when everything in the house has its optimal practical space and place and I thoroughly enjoy when I find an optimal solution when it comes to furniture or appliances. So I will, from time to time look around the house and observe how things are placed and how my partner, our cats and I are living and interacting with these things and accordingly I will look at whether there is a more optimal way to place things in alignment to each other. It could for example be moving a lamp to provide better reading for my partner when he is studying in the sofa because I have noticed that he has to turn on another lamp to get an optimal reading light. Here I see that it isn’t practically optimal to have to turn on an additional lamp and so I go searching for solutions that can make the studying space more practical. And I have found that there usually is an optimal way to place things in such a way that daily life can run smoothly and in a nice flow for everyone living together. In this example I am using my dissatisfaction constructively to see how I can optimize my living space and I am even doing so within an expression of self-enjoyment because I enjoy living in a space where everything is practical, handy and run smoothly. So I move directly from dissatisfaction to solution and I don’t stop until I am satisfied with the solution I have come up with. Sometimes it involves buying or building new things. Other times the living space simply doesn’t allow for an absolute optimal solution or I cannot afford the solution I see would be best, so instead I have to come up with the best or most optimal in consideration of the current practical situation. The difference is that I don’t become emotional about it. I don’t blame the things for not being optimally situated; I don’t blame myself for not having placed things in an optimal way. I simply see that something could work better or more practical and then I find a solution that I am satisfied with. Often I will even after having come up with an optimal solution, see how I can make it even more optimal and this is a fun exercise. The result of this process is that my home is comfortable to live in, not only for myself but also for the other beings that I live with.
So what I see is that I have to change my starting-point of dissatisfaction when it comes to personal and internal points to be of an equal practical nature. What I am also seeing, now that I am writing this out is that when it comes to the practical points, I actually always find a solution and like I said, I don’t stop until I am satisfied. So what this shows is that my definition of myself as being ‘always dissatisfied’ is simply not valid. Because when it comes to these more internal and personal points I simply haven’t moved myself to focus on the solution and on making myself satisfied as a natural movement and expression of myself. Instead I have accepted the situation or point or myself within it as dissatisfying and then I have stopped there and stayed there, going: “this is so dissatisfying!” But without actually doing anything substantial about it, because my entire focus was on PROBLEM instead of: SOLUTION.
It is cool when we have a practical reference of how to live points effectively, like I’ve showed here in relation to being dissatisfied with practical points and then immediately looking for a solution, because it shows that I do have the capability of making myself satisfied, of moving myself beyond the initial point of dissatisfaction. So I have a blue-print of what it means to utilize dissatisfaction practically that I can apply onto the personal and internal points of dissatisfaction while I also take the emotional reaction out of my relationship to seeing points within me that I am dissatisfied with.
So the commitment that I am making here is to, when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally to a point that I see within me that I am dissatisfied with, to stop and breathe and to immediately bring myself to a point of practical self-correction, to investigate a solution and to not stop until I am satisfied or I see that the point has been optimally resolved. I realize that there isn’t in fact a difference between directing and finding solutions for practical points in my daily life and directing and finding solutions for points I am facing within my mind. The difference is that I have taken my mind personally and I have moralized the point of not being satisfied. If I were to flip it around it would be similar to someone growing up learning to keep a perfect home from their mother for example and then creating an emotional relationship to keeping a perfect home. They then might develop emotional reactions and blame themselves and take it personally when their home wasn’t perfect, whereas for me, it is my relationship with the mind that I have reacted to and taken personally. And as I mentioned in a previous blog, I see how this has to do with me creating certain expectations of myself as well as having held onto an idealized image and definition of myself that was entirely unrealistic and illusional. So within letting that go and allowing myself to be with, support and face myself Here in self-honesty, I can then begin utilizing dissatisfaction practically to assist and support myself to expand myself and to create myself as an optimal living space. So for example in relation to the point of oversleeping, it would be to then go back and investigate what points in the recent days/weeks that I have been avoiding and suppressing looking at within myself and then sitting myself down, writing them out and applying self-forgiveness and then also implementing a corrective action of self-discipline and determination towards getting up in the morning or for example change my alarm clock or when I go to sleep at night to further assist and support myself to solve the point.
Practial problems have practical solutions – which means that they can be solved. Mental problems only exist in the mind and therefore go round and round with no resolve. As such, I also realize that solving points that I am dissatisfied with in/as the mind is to look at the points practically, exactly as I do with my physical living space and then accordingly prescribe a corrective application for myself that I can utilize to resolve the point optimally.
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Artwork by Tracy Emin