When divers go too deep under water and start moving towards the surface too quickly, they can experience what is known as ‘diving sickness’ causing them to them having to go into a decompression chamber to decompress before being able to regain their normal physical functioning again. In this blog-post I am using this analogy quite loosely to explore a pattern that I’ve found within me in relation to making decisions. I see how I’ve in many cases postponed decisions and placed myself ‘on hold’ inside myself, waiting to be directed by others, while compressing and compounding emotional and energetic reactions.
This interview assisted me to shed light on this pattern in relation to waiting for others to make decisions for me and how and why I’ve created this pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction after talking to another about a forthcoming decision and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately suppress this reaction and thus propel myself into a possession and a pattern of suppression that I enveloped myself within placing myself ‘on hold’ within myself, waiting for myself to take on the point, but obviously never doing it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as shattered and broken after talking to another about a forthcoming decision within experiencing that my stability has been ripped away from me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another as being the cause of my experience of being shattered and broken, when in fact if a conversation with another person can shatter my entire foundation – then ‘who’ I was within it wasn’t real to begin with or it was based on having the trust of this person
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve relied on others to tell me what to do and to tell me who I am and to tell me what my worth is and what my value is and how strong or weak I am, what I am capable of doing and what I’m not capable of doing – where it’s like I am a balloon that can only fly if I am filled with ‘air’ by another and that deflates as soon as that ‘air’ is taken away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and hold another responsible for my experience of feeling shattered and broken because I had made them responsible for ‘holding me up’ in the first place – relying on their strength to stand, their recognition to validate myself, their motivation to motivate myself – thus having no actual foundation or ground to stand on in/as myself, making myself extremely unstable and unresolved because I’m relying on someone else to literally ‘hold me up’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve been relying on others to make decisions for me, to tell me what to do, to guide me – and to virtually stand FOR me – and then to question my own standing, my own resolve, believing that “there must be something wrong with me”, blaming myself for not standing resolved – when in fact my entire foundation was missing from the start because I simply went along with a decision that was made, getting carried away and convinced myself that this was indeed my decision when in fact I was ‘running on fumes’ as energy – instead of sitting down with myself and make an actual and clear decision, understanding every dimension involved within making that decision
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that someone else did not in fact make a decision for me, but that it was me who simply went along with what I was presented with – without making an actual decision, thus separating myself from the decision that I was presented with and placing the responsibility for the decision – and me within it – upon someone else
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept and to justify within myself that “I have an issue with making decisions” and through this have created an automated pattern of reacting when I am facing a decision, where I immediately go into an experience of anxiety and petrification, not trusting myself to make a decision, not even wanting to make a decision because that would make me responsible and instead pretend like I’m making decisions – while in fact I’m procrastinating and stalling and placing myself ‘on hold’ while simply ‘going along for the ride’ through which I end up in a ‘limbo’ within myself where I get stuck and cannot move because I haven’t actually faced the decision head on
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern and a habit out of making half-assed decisions where I don’t actually make a decision but merely ‘follow along’ or ‘go with the flow’ – so as to hide and not have to take responsibility for the decision later on, and so that I always have a backdoor out of the decision – not realizing how much consequence I’m creating for myself and others through this, because it means that I am then not committed to what I am doing and can even go into resentment towards others because “I’m following” them – when in fact, it was my decision to not make a decision and instead to follow along to begin with, especially now where I have actually seen the benefit and tremendous expansion possible through making real decisions and stand committed to them and to myself within them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince and manipulate myself and others into believing that I’ve made a decision through speaking and thinking as though I’ve made a decision, when in fact my actions of non-commitment show the exact opposite – through which I then create conflict and guilt and uncertainty within myself because I believe I’ve made a decision and then cannot understand why I’m not honoring my commitment – when I can in fact now, see the difference between the directive decisions I’ve made and How I simply stick to my commitments within that without effort and the non-decisions I’ve made by just following along ‘where ever the wind blows’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that ‘who I am’ is not simply a person without integrity, backbone, self-trust, stamina, decision-making skills and resolve, because firstly I have seen examples within myself of how I’ve lived these qualities in certain aspects of my life, and secondly: I realize how me not having developed or lived these qualities is simply due to the patterns that I’ve lived throughout my life, self-initiated and perpetuated through my environment, through which I’ve sabotaged and prevented myself from developing these skills or qualities. As such I also realize that the solution is then for me to deconstruct the patterns with which I identify and comply through which I sabotage myself, so that I can develop these skills and qualities as an expression of myself in equality and oneness
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge skills and qualities such as integrity, honesty, stamina, having a backbone and being resolved as extraordinary ‘positive’ skills and qualities through which I’ve then judged myself negatively for not ‘possessing’ such qualities, as though there is then something extraordinarily wrong with me, when in fact these are simply particular skills and qualities that I haven’t lived whereas there are others that I have lived due to the way I’ve ‘quilted’ or patterned my life, not making any qualities more or less than others and not making myself more or less than others because there are certain qualities and skills I haven’t yet developed to the point where they are a constant and consistent expression of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply not make a decision and to simply ‘wait it out’ and to place myself ‘on hold’ causing myself to go into a form of ‘bubble-syndrome’ or ‘diving bell’ syndrome of suppression, which is literally like a compression chamber within myself from where I start becoming depressed and apathetic and frustrated and irritable, placing focus on keeping the decision at bay and procrastinating it, instead of sitting myself down and write myself to freedom within understanding the patterns that I’m accepting and allowing myself to engage in – so that I can come up to the surface, breathe and have a clear look at the decision before me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to make a decision because I believe that others are waiting for me and are relying on me, when in fact, in this context, this is nothing but an excuse and a point of emotional manipulation that I use to further compress myself into suppression and inner turmoil – preventing myself from actually looking at the decision because now I’m blaming others for pressuring me, when in fact I’m the only one who’s pressuring myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself do distrust myself and to believe that I cannot make sound decisions and so within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold the past against myself and to believe that because I made an unsound decision in the past it means that I will do it again, instead of simply implementing a practical decision making process of assessing information and accordingly make a commitment to move myself within a certain direction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone out of not making decisions, where I will let others chose for me and then blame them if or when the decision turns out to be not the best one – but to also within that disempower myself entirely and instead wait for direction from others, clarity from others, validation and certainty from others and only move once I am satisfied that others agree with my decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, recognize or remember that the decisions that I’ve made for myself through looking at points in common sense where I’ve in a moment made a commitment to walk a point in dedication and with a solid resolve, has turned out to be the best possible decisions, even if the decision itself perhaps turned out to be misaligned – because it was about who I was within it, where I could walk with myself with eyes open, both feet on the ground knowing that I have made this decision for myself and that it is my responsibility to see it through to the end, whether that means completing a project or changing paths midway due to a re-assessment of information
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to wait for another to give me direction or validation in relation to a specific decision, I stop myself, I breathe and I immediately bring the responsibility to make a decision back to myself in self-trust that I have the tools required for me to effectively make a decision. I realize that I’ve been placing the responsibility of making decisions on others, because it gave me ‘an easy way out’ where I could blame them if the decision didn’t work out and where I didn’t actually had to step forth and stand up within myself to make a commitment. So leaving decisions to others allowed me to remain with a ‘foot in each camp’ where I didn’t go forward and didn’t move out of the past but remained in a state of non-decision causing me to be uncommitted and undedicated to the task at hand that I had agreed to, but that I hadn’t actually made a commitment within myself to walk unconditionally and absolutely. So I commit myself to from here on out stand responsible for my own decisions and to stop waiting for others to make decisions for me as I’ve now broken through the veil of why I’ve let others make decisions for me because it served my self-interest in and as the mind, but also left me limited, conflicted and it created consequences for other people because I was following along, pretending to have made a decision when in fact I hadn’t. I realize that I within this was actually only postponing the point of making a decision while I followed along, because eventually at some point the point would break or stand depending on my commitment which meant that I then had to face the decision again. I commit myself to use and develop practical decision making tools where I allow myself to sit and walk with myself in an intimate process of investigating the decision at hand and who I am in relation to it, so that I can make a sound decision. I also commit myself to cross-reference my decisions with others but without expecting them to guide me or direct me and without placing the responsibility of the decision upon them.
When and as I see that I am in a state of ‘zombification’ with signs such as over-sleeping and not wanting to write/apply forgiveness, I stop and I breathe and I move myself to sit down and write. Because I realize that these signs indicate that I’ve gone into the ‘diving bell’ of suppression, where I’ve refused to face something and am now waiting for it to sort itself out, having placed myself on hold, believing that this is somehow an effective way to deal with things I don’t want to deal with – when all it is, is suppression and procrastination and postponement. I realize that when I placed myself in the holding room or the diving bell of suppression I compress energy inside myself and that this hurts my body and myself and I then also waste time existing in a state of escape and avoidance which in turn affects my effectiveness in all other areas of my life. I realize how much more simple it is to face points directly, immediately and in the moment from which I can then also expand immediately – instead of creating another consequential process for myself that was entirely unnecessary to begin with, had I only been self-honest with myself. I commit myself to stop using suppression to try and deal with points in my life I experience difficult. I commit myself to direct myself and guide myself and take care of myself in terms of directing myself to face the points that come up within me and in my reality immediately and directly, reminding myself that I do have the tools, through writing and self-forgiveness, to face whatever comes up and walk through it and expand myself and that this gives me no excuse to ignore, suppress or postpone facing myself.
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