fear of authority, fear of others anger, fear of people in position of authority, fear of phone calls, fear of talking on the phone, fearing authority, feeling inferior, feeling small, forgiving oneself
Yesterday an interesting point opened up during a phone conversation. I was speaking with a person with whom I am formally and professionally acquainted and I found myself stumble on my words and making mistakes as I was speaking. Afterwards I looked at the point and I could see how every time I speak with this particular person, I start becoming very nervous and I stumble on my words, making mistakes which is not something I normally do. Now – I haven’t had many conversations with this person, yet it is a very intense reaction I experience. The reaction has been based partly on how I perceive the person approaching or responding to me and partly based on how I’ve seen them holding a particular position of authority in the world. When I talk to them, I experience them as being irritated and annoyed with me and as though they call me out on the mistakes I make when we speak. And the more they do that, the more nervous I become and so it’s like a self-reinforcing ‘curse’ where I feel like I’m becoming the kind of person that they see me as. Obviously I have no idea how they see me in fact so this is all about my own perception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access, trigger and participate in an experience of nervousness whenever I speak to X and I perceive and interpret X as being irritated and annoyed with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the sound of X’s voice and X’s voice tonality with harshness, judgment and someone in an authority position being irritated and annoyed with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an automated reaction towards X because I have held onto a memory of a reaction towards a specific sound and voice tonality of someone in an authority position being irritated and annoyed with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and participate in an experience of inferiority when I speak to X because I perceive X to be superior to me because I see X as being in a position of authority and power due to their position in the system combined with how I associate X’s voice tonality and the sound of X’s voice with authority and adulthood
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a child when I speak to X, experiencing myself becoming nervous and go into a state of insecurity within myself where I don’t trust my own words or my own authority – not realizing how this is indicating and showing that I am associating X and X’s sound and voice tonality with a childhood memory where I heard and experienced someone speaking with a similar sound and voice tonality and reacted to them, thus solidifying the memory within me as a form of programming where I from that moment, every time I would face a similar situation with someone speaking with the same voice tonality and sound I would experience the exact same reaction – virtually programming myself to living in and repeating the past. Within this it can be seen how we do this with all memories, how we program ourselves to live in the past. The only difference is that this hasn’t been a pattern that has activated many times in my life whereas others are repeatedly lived on a daily basis – to such an extend that we don’t even realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive and define X as superior to me because of X’s position in the world-system and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that a person’s position in the system, like the job they have, makes them superior or inferior to others – and thus because of how I’ve ‘ranked’ X’s position in comparison to mine, I’ve accepted and believed X to be superior and me to be inferior – as though this is completely and totally normal and natural
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger and participate within an experience of feeling foolish and stupid when I talk to X and within that experience and perceive it as though this experience is something X is creating within and as me through the way he sees me – when in fact I don’t know anything about how X see me or don’t see me, all I know is how I react to the voice tonality and sound of X, perceiving X to be irritated and annoyed with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change how I see, experience and define myself when I speak with X where I go from one moment being fine and stable, to the next moment feel and experience myself stupid and foolish and small and inferior – as though I within that moment change the totality of ‘who I am’ when in fact I am accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by an energetic reaction towards what I perceive and experience to be a person of authority becoming irritated and annoyed with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a reaction when I see and perceive a person of authority becoming irritated and annoyed with me, where I feel insecure, small, inferior, stupid and foolish and accordingly start acting like it and completely abandon my stability and self-trust to embody this character of inferiority that I then accept as ‘who I am’ within this moment and thus become it – without seeing, realizing or understanding that ‘who’ I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as in that moment is nothing but an energetic reaction where I am taking my perception and interpretation of another’s reaction towards me personally – as though someone being irritated and annoyed with me makes me irritating and annoying
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable and to lose my footing within myself and in my physical body when I speak to X and I react to X’s voice tonality and sound of X’s voice – where I start making the mistakes and errors that I perceive X is becoming annoyed and irritated me about, thus basically creating that which I fear through accepting it as real and valid that X is becoming annoyed and irritated because I am doing something wrong, only causing myself to do ‘more wrong’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see and perceive another as being irritated and annoyed with me within and as taking what I see and perceive personally and internalize it within defining another being irritated and annoyed with me as equal to there being something wrong with me and me being stupid, foolish, small and inferior – when in fact, even if someone does become irritated and annoyed with me, it has nothing to do with me, it isn’t justified or righteous towards me and it certainly doesn’t define who I am – even if I have made a mistake. And I also realize that what may for example have happened with X is that I, in the moment of phoning X, caught X in a stressed or busy moment or that X was irritated and annoyed about something in their reality that had nothing to do with me and that they took it out on me or simply wasn’t being professional in that moment – or even that X has created a personalized reaction towards me. I have no idea – but in either case it doesn’t matter, because another’s reaction does not reflect back on me and what is relevant for me in this context is my own reaction – because that is what I can change. I cannot change how another speaks to me, especially not in a professional and formal context where I also have a responsibility to be professional.
And I realize that when I speak to others in irritation and annoyance that this actually have nothing to do with them. And so I also here forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it out on others when I am stressed or irritated and annoyed and to not consider how my words and how my voice tonality affects others or how it might trigger reactions within them, that, although they have nothing to do with me, are unnecessary and that I am thus co-responsible for creating and triggering.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define others as irritating and annoying and within and as this justify and validate it as ‘righteous’ for me to take it out on them and to belittle them and infearorize them within experiencing myself as superior to them.
When and as I speak with X, I commit myself to remain stable, grounded and trusting within myself and my capacity of standing within a specific professional position and to speak to X from this starting-point of stability and trust in my own words. And When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to X’s voice tonality or the sound of X’s voice within perceiving X as being irritated and annoyed with me, I stop and I breathe and through my breath I bring myself back to the stability of my physical body. I realize that nothing and no-one can make me feel something and that if I feel stupid or foolish as a reaction to another, it is something that I am creating and accepting myself as. I realize that my reaction to X’s voice tonality and the sound of X’s voice, has nothing to do with how X sees me or how X experience themselves in fact – as I realize that I’ve created an association towards this specific voice tonality from when I was a child and speaking to people in authority positions and as such my reaction is entirely disconnected from X and whatever reaction X does or doesn’t experience is disconnected from me and who I am. As such I commit myself to remain professional when I speak with X and I commit myself to remain stable and to stabilize myself in my voice so that I can relay the message I have for X in a clear and concise way. I realize that I, when I am stressed or have been annoyed have taken this out on others who just happen to be crossing my path in a moment. As such I also commit myself to not accept or allow myself to take my stress or irritation out on others – which I see and realize is the foundation of what it means to be professional where one does not bring one’s personal issues into one’s communication with others. I commit myself to stop reacting to speaking to X and I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to feel foolish, small, stupid and inferior. I realize that X is not superior to me because of X’s position in the system and thus I commit myself to let go of accepting people as superior and inferior due to their position in the system.
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