I am continuing here with the series of changing my relationship to my physical body.
Here are the previous writings in this series for reference:
- Reconnecting With The Physical Body: DAY 274
- Wrinkles and Aging and Death Oh My! DAY DAY 271
- The Body is a Temple… Where We Worship the Mind: DAY 270
- Self-Respect for The Physical Body: DAY 269
- Who Does Your Body Belong To? DAY 267
So today something quite interesting happened that I will be investigating here. This morning I weighed myself and I wasn’t sure if I had gained weight. (I’ve gained over 20 kg over the last 3 years, gone 10 kg down and a bit up again so I’ve been monitoring what is happening). The last time I weighed myself was probably over a month ago. As I got on the scale the numbers showed that I – according to the scale – had ‘lost’ over 15 kg, which would bring me down to a weight I haven’t been on for a very long time. And so I was completely shocked to see this number on the scale as it in no way fits with how I’ve seen or experienced myself lately. I was immediately sure that there had to be something wrong with the scale. Then my partner got on the scale to cross-reference and he weighs the exact same as he usually does. So – according to the ‘authority’ of the scale I have now lost virtually all the excess weight that’s placing me in the ‘obese’ section of the clothing store. But what is interesting is that there is absolutely no reflection of this on my physical body. Usually when I lose weight I can quite immediately see it on my face and feel it on my hands and ankles. It all looks and feels completely the same. Another indication of a weight loss is obviously that one’s clothes are much looser which mine isn’t.
So all in all I can only conclude that I haven’t in fact lost weight and that there must be something wrong with either the scale or my procedure of weighing myself. For a moment after I had seen the number on the scale I went to look myself in the mirror and for a split second I thought I looked skinnier. Lol – but at the same time I also started thinking about how I might have actually lost weight, but am still seeing myself as though I haven’t. So in that moment I was seeing how I couldn’t in fact trust what I see as well as not being able to trust the digits on the scale.
Later I started looking at how I’ve placed all my faith in the scale, letting the scale be the ‘final judge’ as to whether I’ve reached my ‘goal’ or not instead of how and who I am in relation to my body from a starting point of equality and oneness. Now I am then facing a moment where everything I can cross-reference for myself on a physical level in no way matches what the numbers on the scale say. So I concluded that I am not going to trust or go according to the scale. Because it is entirely unreliable lol. It’s unrealistic that I should have lost 15 kg. in a little over a month without noticing it or without my clothes getting looser on my body. It simply doesn’t work this way. So what I find is so interesting about this is how we tend to place our trust in points outside of ourselves.
Because on one hand, I clearly cannot trust numbers on a scale to tell me whether my body is in optimal physical condition. But on the other hand I cannot even trust my own eyes to in fact see what is here. Many anorexics for example tend to see themselves as overweight when they’re really not – showing how our eyes (because we see with/as the mind) cannot be trusted.
So what is interesting also here is that I’ve found that physically feeling myself from the inside is actually the most reliable source of feedback as to how my body is doing and the process is then to also align the eyes to such a point of equality and oneness where what one sees is what is here in fact.
It’s interesting also with how we’ve made the numbers on the scale (or the size of clothing) the single most important factor when it comes to weight and body image, because it’s the exact same we’re doing in our education system when it comes to grades – – something that in no way can measure a students total achievement or educational development, just like numbers on a scale in no way reflect the state and condition of our physical bodies.
I remember someone talking about how they would adjust the scale so that it would always show a lower digit than the person’s real weight, similar to ‘slim-mirrors’ in clothing stores deceiving us into seeing ourselves as skinnier than what we are in fact. So we manipulate physical results and feedback systems to change how we see and feel about ourselves, instead of actually supporting our bodies to develop to its full potential while changing the way we see ourselves from mind-based judgments of body image to physical direct seeing.
Here I will commence with self-corrective statements from the previous blog-post’s self-forgiveness as well as the realizations that have come up here.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be preoccupied within the mind and thus not here, connected, grounded, to and as my physical body, for example as indicated by me holding my breath or holding my thumbs, I stop myself and I give myself a breath to breathe myself back here into and as my physical body and simply re-connect and ground myself here. I realize that I’ve lived disconnected and disconnecting from my physical body for many years and that I have created an inner and an outer environment that does not support me to remain connected with/as my physical body and therefore that it is up to me to actively and directively bring myself back to my physical body on a consistent basis until I change that which I have come to accept as ‘normal’ and ‘automated’, to be disconnected from the physical to be and live here in the physical as a natural expression of myself. I commit myself to remain diligent, attentive and consistent in supporting myself to bring myself back here.
When and as I see myself in any way looking at my physical body from a starting-point of using or wanting to use the body for self-interest of the mind, I stop myself and I breathe and I bring myself back here and stabilize myself in and as my physical body and in my commitment to connecting with/as my physical body in and as a physical expression of myself. I realize that whenever I use the body as a ‘tool’ for the mind’s self-interest it is undeniably within and as a state of self-abuse in one way or another, because I as the mind, does not see the body as an equal, as a living being with equal rights, but as an inferior ‘tool’ to use for it’s own wants, needs and desires that are completely contingent and conditioned to the mind’s need for energy to sustain itself. As such – I commit myself to stop using and abusing myself as my physical body as a tool for the mind to sustain itself and I realize that this includes stopping participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as these also have detrimental effects on the body and serve no practical purposes.
When and as I see myself trying to convince myself through backchat to do something that I know isn’t supportive for my physical body or where I try to convince myself to NOT do something that I know IS supportive for my physical body, I stop myself. I breathe and I re-direct myself back here, I take the reigns of myself and stand myself as the authority of myself and firmly direct myself back to common sense of simply doing what needs to be done or simply refraining from doing that which I know isn’t supportive for me. I commit myself to push myself to be diligent in not accepting and allowing myself to follow backchat and seduce myself through backchat. I realize that it is a form of group-pressure that I am exerting onto myself and that it is abusive and bullying towards myself and that even though it feels good in the moment – the points I’m mentioning here are points where I’ve proven to myself that this is or is not good for me and therefore my direction is clear, self-supportive and commonsensical and I thus know that I cannot trust the conversations that I’m catering in my mind. I commit myself to stop catering conversations in my mind and I commit myself to remain vigilant to continue to do so because I understand that all it takes to stop this relationship with myself and change it, is a consistent process of guiding myself to stop this automated pattern so that I can establish a new way of living and interacting with myself.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to a piece of information about the physical body/health/beauty/body image that I see in my external reality, I stop myself and I breathe and I reconnect with myself here in common sense and ground myself inside my body. I realize that I cannot trust something simply because someone else says so or because it is presented in a newspaper and that I can do my own research and cross-reference to test many points and this is something that I commit myself to do and to continue doing, so that I have a frame of reference and an education that I can utilize to asses information that I hear and see. I also realize that when I react to what I see or hear about health or beauty or body image or nutrition, it indicates that I do not stand clear on that point and therefore that I am able to be manipulated by what I see and hear and inferiorize myself to it and become a follower (like following a beauty product or trying a new diet) because I do not stand clear and stable within myself and thus haft left a backdoor open for manipulation (which is exactly what advertisement works with) – which in the end is self-manipulation and thus my responsibility to change. I commit myself to be attentive and aware as I read and hear and look at information about health, beauty, body image and nutrition and I commit myself to be diligent and vigilant in ‘catching’ reactions as they come up within me so that I can immediately direct them and thus ground myself and stand firmly here within and as myself so that I can effectively asses the information in common sense.
When and as I see myself counting on external sources to define my body and the state it is in like relying on the scale, I stop and I breathe and I bring my focus back to my body. I realize that I have been operating according to a specific number system with weight on the scale and with clothes sizes where I have decided that when I reach this and that level, then I am ‘okay’ and then my body is ‘optimal’ when in fact my body being in optimal condition isn’t contingent upon the weight or clothes size I am, but who and how I am within and as my body as the wholeness and totality of my body. Therefore I commit myself to stop letting weight and clothe sizes be the mark with which I measure my body’s condition. Instead I commit myself to develop awareness, communication and connection with/as my body here so that I can feel and determine on a physical level how my body is doing and how I can remediate/align myself to support it to its optimal condition.
In relation to what I’ve walked here, I recommened the following interviews by the Eagles that talk about our disconnection from the physical:
As well as these interviews about clothing and body image:
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course