I’ve worked quite a lot with redefining my relationship and experiences towards my job and I was quite satisfied with this process having decided to change my starting-point within ‘who I am’ as I go to work. However as it turns out I was actually suppressing myself and suppressing lingering reactions – not towards the particular job, but towards working in general. So this is what happened: I was having these experiences of feeling trapped and encaged in my job. It wasn’t massive overwhelming experiences, they were quite subtle, coming up mostly as thoughts like: “Oh no the weekend is over, time to go back to work.” And experiences of resistance towards going to work. But what I then did was to look at how spoiled this experience was, how many people are in far worse situations than me and how I am only having these experiences because I’ve lived an incredibly privileged life, where this is actually the first time in my life where I am faced with having to work ‘hard’. And I could understand my own experience, but what I did was to judge myself and use this judgment as a way to shut the reaction down and actually suppress it, believing that I had now effectively dealt with the issue. And so I put on a ‘brave face’ and employed the perspective of ‘pulling myself together’. For a while I actually believed that I had effectively sorted out my reactions, but underneath it all – obviously because I was suppressing the reactions, the experience of feeling trapped kept lingering.
So I will here walk a self-forgiveness process on these experiences so that I can once and for all sort out my relationship towards going to work, so that it is not something in which I limit and restrict myself and that I then try to deal with through putting up a brave face, believing that I have to fight to get up and go to work – so that I can instead simply go to work within a common sense realization that it is what it is and while I cannot change the situation immediately, it doesn’t have to change, define or influence me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at and define my job within and through my mind as something that is enslaving me, encaging me and restricting me because of the nature of having a job as something that I ‘have to do’ specifically through the memories of adults when I was a child, who experienced working in the same way and the consequences I saw within that, of them being unhappy and unsatisfied with their lives
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a fear of having a job, based on seeing adults when I was a child hating their jobs and how it affected them and made them unhappy and grumpy and how their bodies looked exhausted and through thinking that I didn’t want to become like them I created a resistance towards having a job, not considering that it is not the job that makes people experience themselves enslaved and trapped, but that this is an experience that they accept and allow within and as themselves – and that I then automatically associated with working and thereby accepted that jobs were per definition enslaving and encaging – something that I am then now faced with in my own work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that jobs are per definition enslaving and encaging and as such accept and allow myself to feel enslaved and encaged by my job, not realizing that while the current system in which we have to work to survive is in fact enslaving and encaging from a certain perspective, this doesn’t have to influence, define or affect us.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend so much time thinking about not wanting to work, resisting work and fearing work based on my experiences as a child that I have created an automated relationship towards working that I’ve integrated into myself as part of me, that activated only when I actually began my current job – while I believed that I had sorted this experience out – I didn’t realize how substantiated I had accepted this experience within me already
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have sorted out my relationship towards jobs and working, when in fact all I had done was to suppress myself and my experience through ‘calming’ and ‘soothing’ myself and through explaining the experience to myself and then simply leaving it at that without having actually ever released the reactions or let them go for real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing my reactions towards my job, in seeing how I am having these reactions because I have had a very privileged life of not having to work for a number of years and how other human beings face far harder faiths on earth, thereby judging myself as being spoiled and ungrateful and because of this judgment suppress the reaction within me, feeling ashamed of having allowed myself to experience myself as trapped and engaged – instead of simply understanding how I am simply now facing what many people face much earlier in their lives as well as throughout their lives and how this experience is actually quite normal for most people – but because it is something we suppress to have to cope with our reality, we don’t talk about it or even open it up to ourselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as an experience to dreading going back to work after the weekend, not because of the work itself or what my worn entails but because of the relationship that I’ve created towards work in general as something that I have to do and that I’ve got no choice but to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider how there are many things in my life that I have to and that I have no choice but to do, like eating, sleeping and breathing and how I don’t feel enslaved or encaged towards any of that because I accept and understand that this is simply a part of life and so the reason why I’ve created a specific negative experience towards working, is specifically because of the reactions I created towards work as a child where I react to a situation that cannot immediately be changed, instead of understanding and accepting it for what it is
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in negative reactions towards having a job of feeling trapped and enslaved because I see how the situation we are currently existing in of having to work to survive is not how life should be – but instead of understanding how we’ve created the world as it currently is and then working towards changing that, I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to it and suppress my reactions as well as fighting against it and trying to cope with it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deal with my experience towards working of feeling trapped and enslaved through trying to fight my way through it, like seeing it as a battle I have to win and putting up a ‘brave face’ and within that feel good about myself because I believe that I am ‘coping with the situation’ – when in fact I am simply polarizing the experience, creating a positive experience to deal with the negative instead of getting to the bottom of my reaction and letting it go
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my experience of resistance and unwillingness towards going to work within and as seeing and experiencing work as enslaving and encaging by judging myself as being spoiled and privileged and by comparing myself to people whose living situations are so much more worse, not realizing how each living experience is unique and simply because other people’s experiences are so much more worse doesn’t mean that mine isn’t valid within the specific context of understanding how I’ve reacted to having to work because of my particular experiences as a child – what I mean to say is that the experience is not valid in itself, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t understandable or that I should feel ashamed of myself because of it through comparing myself to others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that my experience towards going to work is simply that: an experience. It doesn’t actually define me as a being and it certainly isn’t the job that is creating the experience within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can actually and simply go to work and do my job without it defining me as a being and within doing so I can support myself to do the best possible job as well as focus the rest of my time on actually changing the system so that no more children have to be born into an enslaving system where they have to fight and compete to survive
When and as I look at my job and the point of working in general and I see that I am looking at it within a negative experience of judging it as enslaving and encaging, I stop myself and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within the physical body. I realize that I react to work as enslaving and encaging because that is the experience that I saw adults having when I was a child and within that I accepted it as being the work doing that to them instead of realizing that they were creating these experiences within themselves and thus enslaving themselves to their experiences and encaging themselves in their experiences and so I adopted this experience and integrated it into myself as a real and valid experience, instead of realizing that simply because the situation of work is enslaving and encaging in the context of the world system, this doesn’t mean that I have to define myself as enslaved or encaged. As such I commit myself to let go of the memory of associating work with an experience of enslavement and engagement. I commit myself to stop accepting myself within my work, as encaged and enslaved. I commit myself to focus on simply doing my job physically present here, without it changing how I experience myself. I commit myself no more accept and allow myself to suppress the experiences that comes up within me and that I accept within me towards my work and I commit myself to instead immediately correct myself and to let go the reactions unconditionally. I commit myself to dedicate myself and to focus on changing the world system to change the nature of working from something that is enslaving and encaging us to survive, to work being a natural expression of ourselves where we unconditionally support ourselves and each other to live and thrive in this world.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of dread towards going to work, I immediately stop myself and breathe and bring myself back here. Because I realize that as soon as I engage in these thoughts I am actually enslaving and encaging myself in the mind to experience my world a certain way, when this is something that I am in fact deciding within my mind, which means that I can decide to approach and experience my work differently, as something that has to be done yes, but also as something in which I can expand and develop myself as well as discover and learn about the world and other human beings. I commit myself to stop negative projective thoughts about going to work and I commit myself to simply go to work and do what is necessary to be done without creating any experiences towards it.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to my own reactions and experiences towards working where I feel ashamed and judge myself for how I experience myself towards my work, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. I realize that while this reaction isn’t valid in itself, it doesn’t mean that I have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of it. I commit myself to stop reacting to my reaction towards work because I see that within judging myself I simply suppress myself and I don’t actually sort the reaction out. So I commit myself to instead embrace myself within and as my reaction so that I can understand why I react the way I react and accordingly release and let go of this reaction and not define myself according to it.