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stressed outA point accumulated the other day to my first ever migraine experience. Afterwards I started investigating the energetic experiences that I’ve participated within that lead up to this intense experience of migraine. What I found was that I have since I started my new job last year, slowly but surely accumulated a massive repertoire of constantly keeping everything in my head.

I would virtually wake up every morning and go to bed every night and spend my days calibrating and calculating and listing all the things that I have to do, the mails I have to send, the people I have to meet and make phone calls to over and over and over. In the beginning when I started doing it, it was a practical point of simply checking within myself that I had everything covered. In fact it was quite an enjoyable point within my day where I would check through my reality and make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. But then I went from practical into maniacal and subtly I allowed this constant ‘listing’ to turn into a huge stress within my mind. As I woke up after the migraine ‘attack’ and I had seen this point, I immediately stopped myself – literally in the first moment of waking up – from allowing this ‘radio’ to start churning and I was quite surprised to find the extent to which I’ve allowed these thoughts to accumulate.

The obvious solution would be to write things down which I have also done, but I have at the same time experienced it as though there were too many points to write down constantly and continuously and so I’ve simply continued with this cacophony of thoughts actually thinking and believing that I was being effective within that – – while slowly but surely becoming more and more ineffective in my daily living. See, I have a job where I have to create a schedule for individual lessons with forty children spread out during the week.

Because it is winter I have to take buses and trains to get around and so a large portion of my mind-chatter has been towards memorizing bus and train schedules as well as reminding myself of which child is sick, what homework they’re supposed to do and what parents I have to send an email back to. Simultaneously with this I have gone into a ‘people pleaser’ personality focusing on making the schedule as perfect as possible for all parties involved, making sure that everyone is satisfied and happy.

So if I were late for a lesson I would start worrying and becoming stressed about not living up to the perfection that I have decided upon. Whew. So now the point has finally ‘landed’ in my lap – lol – with the consequence, not only of a migraine, but also showing itself in me being very tired and exhausted all the time as well as become easily angry and frustrated when at home.

Now I have decided to first and foremost stop the mind chatter. This has already made quite the difference to how I go about my day. And I have had to realize and admit to myself how stressing and churning things in my head doesn’t make me effective at all – in fact it makes me severely ineffective.

I’ve tried to hold everything in my mind and while doing so also sorting it out and fixing it and perfecting it – and it simply hasn’t been possible. Something that is fascinating in this context as well is that I’ve actually never been a big fan of calendars. And for years I would pride myself off of being able to keep everything in my mind and remember every appointment without needing a calendar. So this was quite the delusion of ego and superiority. So I see how it is this exact point that I’ve also used in this new context. But the difference is that I now have such a massive amount of information to daily keep check on, that I cannot possibly keep it all in my mind. It’s simply not possible, meaning that I am bound to forget and miss things. It is virtually like there isn’t enough space in the mind for that amount of information on a daily basis. And what is then also fascinating is that the physical reality can actually hold this information, for example through the support of management apps or notebooks. But in a way I’ve been so arrogant as to think and believe that I could easily hold fifty ‘balls’ of information in my mind and effectively execute and direct them into reality.

So this has been quite the reality check and I am grateful for the consequence that this migraine finally brought me to. Because now I can stop. But at the same time it shouldn’t be necessary for the physical body to take on such a ‘burden’ of dealing with all this energetic build-up.

So in the next post I will walk a self-forgiveness and self-corrective process on this point.

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