Here I am going to walk a point in relation to anger. I’ve not expressed much anger in many years. The only people that I’ve ever actually expressed anger towards has been my mother and my partners. But even with my partners, the anger that I’ve expressed has been relatively subdued. However – when I was a child I would have fits of anger and as a teenager I would have fits of rage projected towards my mother. What would happen was that I would be a very ‘happy’ and ‘expressive’ child at school, but when I came home, it was like I would let all my suppressed emotions out on my mother.
Recently I’ve experienced similar increasing experiences of anger. And I see that I require releasing this anger and I realize that I require taking responsibility for stopping this anger and myself within and as it. In context to this point, I listened to this interview on Eqafe that assisted me to understand in more detail the consequences of letting one’s anger out as well as taking it out on others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak in anger and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow my anger to accumulate
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to express myself in anger and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify expressing myself in anger in a moment where I actually have an opportunity to stop myself before I become possessed by anger and more specifically before I start expressing myself in and as anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed anger to fester inside of me and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become anger – become embodied by and as anger to the point where I am nothing but anger and where I accept and allow anger to speak as me, to become me where I have absolutely no self-control or self-direction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my anger and because of this have accepted and allowed myself to completely without any form of self-responsibility justify projecting my anger onto another
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and convince myself that it is justified that I blame another and let my anger out onto them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept anger as ‘mine’ – as something that I have and something that I am and something that I do and that exists within me, when in fact this anger is produced and manifested through the mind, through me accepting myself as the mind and through me following the mind’s directive instead of me directing the mind and myself within and as that
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and remorseful after having accepted and allowed myself to express myself in a fit of rage and anger where I feel embarrassed and ashamed of what I’ve done wishing I could take it back as though it was someone else acting through my body, when in fact it was me that accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by anger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, establish and exist within two mental ‘realms’, the one ‘realm’ being ‘who’ I am when I am out in public and in formal situations and the other being when I’m in more ‘private’ and ‘safe’ environments, where these two personalities that I’ve accepted and defined myself as, exist in polarities – where the first is where I keep myself together, under control and express myself very specifically and only let that out which I know will be accepted so that I present a ‘positive’ personality and the other is where I let my guard down, where I’m more ‘myself’ in terms of no longer holding my guard up and so I also let all the shit out that I’ve kept inside of me and contained all day, but not even that – it’s not even specifically or necessarily that I’ve suppressed anger, it’s more like simply the act of suppressing myself, the actual pressure I’m creating inside my body through the suppression and self-containment is causing me to become like a pressure-cooker that eventually boils over
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to contain, control and suppress myself all day long so that I can present myself in a positive way to others so that they’ll like me and accept me, not realizing how this is an unsustainable way to exist, as I can only contain myself for so long, before I can’t control myself any longer and so to keep this going, I’ve created a polarized life for myself, where I become moody and emotional and angry as soon as I am home and within that accept and allow myself to take my reactions out on people in my environment – blaming them for how I experience myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so ashamed and regretful and remorseful about my outbursts of anger, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these outbursts are a direct energetic consequence of me containing and controlling myself that I have justified as a ‘need’ to ‘be myself’ and ‘let go’ – when in fact it wouldn’t have to be this way if I didn’t try to contain and control myself all day long
So – I realize that I cannot simply focus on stopping the anger outbursts. I have to equally focus on stopping the self-containment, suppression and control because the two are interlinked and intertwined in an energetic outflow/consequence relationship.
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a state of self-containment, self-control and suppression during my day, as indicated by how my body starts tightening and I sort of ‘suck’ myself into myself and literally hold onto myself – I stop myself and I breathe and I bring myself back here. I focus on breathing myself back here, letting go of the self-containment, suppression and control and when I see that reactions come up within me, I focus on releasing them and directing them through self-forgiveness, rather than trying to suppress them to go away. As such I commit myself to walk a process of stopping this self-containment, self-control and suppression of myself and instead developing a way of living my personal and public life into an equilibrium where I don’t have to exist in polarities and where I don’t exist as two different personalities when I’m out and when I’m home. I commit myself to therefore establish an effective way of going out into the world and partake in the world, where I don’t have to suppress myself but where I also obviously don’t act out in reactions – no matter where I am or who I am with.
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