Do you remember that scene in the Matrix movie where one first discovers how human beings have become living ‘batteries’ providing energy for and powering up the machines in control of life on earth? In this blog-post I am continuing with the negative reactive dimension of the ‘Exhilarating defiance’ character that I started writing out on DAY 247 in which I will touch upon how this exact image from the Matrix movie is rather accurate as to who we as human beings have become.
The negative reactions I wrote out were the following:
“Negative: feeling trapped, feeling fearful, feeling resisting, feeling weak, feeling guilty, feeling regretful, feeling ashamed, anxious, nervous”
To recap what I have walked previously, this character is specifically founded within a polarity relationship between defying ‘authority/obligations’ and reacting to this defiance with positive and negative experiences. So the point that I’m walking in this blog-post is the negative reactions that I accept and allow myself to participate in as I’ve defied obligations and/or points of authority. The pattern plays out as follows: there will be a point of obligation in my reality as something that I either perceive that I have to do or something that I shouldn’t do. I perceive this point as negative and then react within/through a positive reaction of ‘self-empowerment’ through defying this point. Afterwards I then experience negative reactions of guilt, regret and self-hate which then goes into a positive reaction of believing that I got to pick myself up again and as such the cycle continues.
For now, I will walk the point of the negative reactions – as this is definitely a significant part of this pattern.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative energetic reaction after having defied a point of responsibility/obligation/authority in my world and reality, which is a little bit like waking up with a hangover after partying – where I regret what I have done and feel guilty and angry towards myself and blame myself for what I have done
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize how both the positive energetic experience of defiance and the negative experience I engage in afterwards are part of the exact same pattern, are in fact contingent upon one another and interconnected – which means that the negative experience of guilt and regret isn’t real or isn’t MORE real than the act of participating in defiance – and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the negative experience because it makes me feel better about my act of defiance, as though repenting what I’ve done makes it all better and/or go away – which simply isn’t true because the pattern or time-loop simply continues
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the ‘problem’ within my participation in the ‘exhilarating defiance’ character is in fact my participation in and my acceptance of myself as the mind, because it is through the mind that I activate the pattern to begin with – where I react to a point of obligation and allow myself to defy it through my participation in thoughts/backchat and reactions and so is the regret and guilt I feel afterwards – and so what this indicates is none of what I’m experiencing is real, because how could it be real, when it comes from the exact same place in and as the mind?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the entire pattern starts with my submission and abdication of myself to the mind – where I let the mind define me, where I decide who I am through and as the mind, where I let the mind completely take over ‘who I am’ to the point where I’m simply following along without any self-will or self-direction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I feel so guilty, so regretful, so remorseful, so angry at myself for having defied responsibilities/obligations – it is a real and honest experience that indicates that I ‘want to be good’, that I have an intention of correcting myself – when that obviously cannot be true as I’ve just shown how it is the same mind that instigates the desire to defy these obligations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain within and as a negative energetic experience of regret, guilt, blame and anger towards myself that I accept and allow to compound within myself until the point where I experience myself as being completely pacified and almost drunk with reaction where all I want to do is just sleep and hide and get away from myself and how I experience myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not self-honestly stand clear within and as a clear understanding of the mind, how the mind operates and why my responsibility is within the creation of the mind – within and as understanding and acting according to the realization that the only starting-point the mind has is self-preservation and its own survival and that this survival is contingent upon the mind generating energy from the body through the friction that is generated from swinging from polarity to polarity and from inner conflict. I also realize that the mind’s survival is contingent upon it remaining in control and dominant which means that me becoming subdued, apathetic and giving up on myself is ‘perfect’ for the mind because then I don’t realize myself as Life possible with out the mind – and the mind remains in control
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this entire pattern has to do with my relationship to the mind and who I’ve accepted myself as in my relationship to the mind, where I’ve given the mind the reigns to control me and have then blamed the mind as a ‘weakness’ that I perceive myself as having – when in fact the mind is who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become in abdication of myself as Life
When and as I’ve defied a responsibility/obligation/authority and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about it, as experiences of guilt, anger, self-blame and regret, I stop myself and I breathe and I stop the energetic experience. Because I have now realized that these experiences are an intricate part of the exact same pattern through which I defy my responsibilities in the first place and as such they aren’t real or honest or truthfully indicating me wanting to correct myself and therefore they cannot be trusted as real or valid. I’ve also realized that these polarized experiences are indicative of the basic nature of the mind and its only agenda of surviving. And as such within and as participating in them, all I exist as is a tool for the mind, like mind-food, existing only to feed the mind’s need to survive. And I realize that this is my responsibility and it is my doing – because I’ve separated myself from the mind and I’ve blamed the mind as though it is a separate part of me, a weakness that causes me to defy my responsibilities – when in fact none of this would have happened without my permission. I also realize that this pattern to a great deal has become automated in my life, which means that I very easily move within and as it. And therefore I realize that it is going to take a process of me developing self-will and self-honesty within directing myself to simply take care of my responsibilities as they emerge – which is in the end the essential solution.
I commit myself to stop the mind. I commit myself to stop accepting myself as the mind. I commit myself to stop abdicating myself to the mind. And I commit myself to stop believing that my experiences of regret and guilt are real and honest. I commit myself to stop these experiences and instead focus on correcting myself practically by stopping the pattern at its root: where I defy my responsibilities and obligations instead of simply correcting myself and walking and doing what needs to be done.
In the next post I will continue with the physical dimensions.
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