Do you remember the movie Snake Eyes with Nicholas Cage? One of the reasons why I liked that movie because it opened up the perspective of multi-dimensionality in terms of how a single event can be seen from various different perspectives and accordingly change form or context. And that’s basically what this post is about – and much more.
Here I’ll be sharing a personal process of self-forgiveness and realization. The post was written over a continuum of several days where I walked through the dimensions of an event that occurred in my reality. I’m sharing it here as a point of support for others who may have faced or are facing similar experiences. Basically I found at the end of my writings that there are several interconnected points emerging here, so the writing is also an example of how events and situations aren’t simply black-and-white or one-dimensional and thus also how important it is to slow down so that we can actually see and direct what is going on, both within ourselves and in our reality.
The other day I experienced an intense mind-possession and within it also a great opportunity to change. Basically what happened was that I was sitting in a car with three other people and they were speaking to assist me to see a specific point within myself. I experienced a lot of resistance towards embracing the point – although I finally did, yet not openly or directly in front of the other people but more in silence within myself. The mind-possession was triggered through me reacting and then experiencing that the other people were highlighting and giving emphasis to my reaction. Within this I experienced that I reacted even more and I went into a point of blame and self-victimization where I blamed the other people for making me react even more by emphasizing my reaction. As the day continued I ‘dealt with the point’ through convincing myself that I was letting the point go, but really I was suppressing myself – – which is something that I’ve been rather ‘successful’ that in how I can suppress my reaction and after a little while feel ‘fine’ as though it’s all gone and thus believe that I no longer have a problem, quite convenient – but the problem is that within doing this we actually absorb the energy we’ve generated through the reaction into our physical bodies which means that the body now becomes contaminated and this can lead to both physical consequences but also mental consequences in how the point obviously doesn’t ‘go away’ and as such we’re simply accumulating the point even further. This day however I was not able to fully suppress the reaction and instead it lingered and was re-triggered several times during the day. The reaction was specifically projected towards a woman in my reality. When the day was finally over, I spoke to my partner about the point and he assisted me to see how I was still possessed and how my entire body and movement of myself had changed since this first event. It was then I realized that this specific reaction is something that I’ve experienced before. It was literally like walking into the past and re-living a past moment in the present. The scenario was new, the people were new – but what played out inside and through my mind, was exactly the same. This is in itself fascinating, because it also shows how the reactions we experience in and through the mind have absolutely nothing to do with the context that we’re in and all to do with who we are in the moment. As such the people and the environment merely ‘serves’ as trigger points where the mind uses associations, which can be anything from words to smells, to people or even the way the light falls on the wall of a room in a certain pattern. As such, in this moment I triggered this reaction as a defense mechanism because I was faced with a moment where I had an opportunity to change myself through transcending/letting go of a particular preprogrammed life-design that I’ve fully integrated and accepted as real through the support of another showing me what I was doing and what opportunity I had to step out of my preprogramming. To briefly explain preprogramming in this context, it’s basically that I’ve accepted myself in a certain ‘role’ or ‘position’ in life in terms of what career I see myself having and here I was faced with the opportunity to step out of this limited way of seeing/accepting myself and into a career/life-path that I would have never have considered possible for myself. So what I found when I talked to my partner about it – and finally allowed myself to reflect on the whole point – was that, in that moment where I had the opportunity to change, the mind perceived the situation as a ‘danger’ (because the mind exists on the premise of preprogramming being a constant platform for ‘who’ we are) and in a ‘split second’ it calibrated the various defense mechanisms it could activate to get out of this situation and ‘avert the danger’. So what the mind does in these situations is that it scans through one’s memories as a database one holds within oneself and it looks for anything similar to the current situation to sort of ‘locate’ itself as a ‘who’ I am within these memories. Here for instance, the point of association was the fact that it was a female speaking to me, so here I triggered memories of another female speaking to me in a way where I felt attacked, stigmatized and defamed. Basically the exact situation is one where I’m reacting and then the other person emphasizes the fact that I’m reacting, which – in my perception – causes me to react even further, after which I then blame the other person and feel unjustly treated because “It wasn’t my fault that I reacted even more, if they could’ve just let the point go and left me alone.” So – what I saw in retrospectively was that I had triggered this reaction deliberately in the mind to avert the imminent ‘danger’ of facing the opportunity to change. Gratefully I did in fact embrace the opportunity to change, yet I did it in silence within myself where I could have instead breathed and humbled myself when the person was speaking to me and unconditionally accepted the support, after which the point could have been a simply point of embracing change smoothly and with ease.
Something else that came up as I discussed the points with my partner even further was that I had been looking at the point in ‘black and white’ in the sense that I had now gone to the polarity of seeing the other person as being ‘absolutely’ or ‘ultimately right’ – when in fact the situation was not black and white. What I found was that I had accepted the other person as an authority within how I responded to their words in seeing them as an ‘expert’ and I simply without question – after the point of resistance – accepted their words as final without looking at the points for myself. So – what I’ve learned from all of this is how multi-dimensional such situations are when one is communicating with another. There isn’t a point of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Even in one situation with several people each one can experience their own reactions and some parts of what’s being said might be true, while others are the individuals own reactions. As such I’ve realized that I shouldn’t make rash conclusions about such moments, because there can be a lot of points occuring at the same time, especially when it comes to how we as people are governed by the mind.
So what I am going to do here within and through self-forgiveness is that I’m going to take responsibility for myself within this situation, I’m going to release the reaction and investigate the origin point within myself so that I can prevent this type of mind-possession from being activated within me, through my abdication of myself to the mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now, after this entire mind-possession that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become ‘who I am’ in a moment, feel ashamed and embarrassed and feel like I’ve done something bad and wrong that I must repent – instead of realizing that this entire experience has actually been a process of learning that I am grateful for because I’ve here had the opportunity to see a pattern that I’ve lived with for many years and accepted as a part of me play out in specificity to then go back here, reflect and then correct the point – which I obviously wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do had I not allowed myself to become mind-possessed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to regret becoming mind-possessed as something that I wished I hadn’t done in how I now see how I could have simply breathed through the resistance coming up within the mind, understanding the pattern/reaction as it was activating and simply moving through it in common sense stability and self-honesty – instead of simply moving myself directly to the point of correction in directively replaying what happened when I allowed myself to become mind-possessed and thus not again create a reaction that I then have to sort out within me and that then generate even more mental energy – and thus replay what happened in common sense self-honesty and self-responsibility where I look at how I can now implement a preventive correction for/as/within myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist the words of another because I within and through these words were faced with an opportunity to stand up and change myself and walk out of a pre-programmed life-design and in that moment I allowed myself to let the mind interpret the situation from within and as its starting-point of self-perseverance instead of pushing myself to listen unconditionally and accordingly make a practical and self-honest assessment for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to activate and trigger an emotional reaction within myself through literally scanning the moment for similar moments in my memory where I reacted so that I can latch onto that within my mind, become possessed with energy and thus focus on something else than what is actually happening within the moment – which was actually an opportunity to stand up and change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of an experience of my mother specifically focusing on me reacting in a moment where I experienced it as though she was emphasizing the reaction and within that blamed her as being responsible for my reaction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the memory of the experience that I had towards my mother as a way to posses myself through the mind with emotional and conflicted energy so as to distract my attention from the opportunity to change within a moment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother as being responsible for me reacting when she points out that I’m reacting or when she for example says: “you’ve always been so sensitive” where in I compound the reaction within myself – instead of realizing that I am solely responsible for the reactions that I accept and allow myself to trigger within and as my mind and that I could have simply remained stable in that moment and not accepted the predicate that I perceived my mother was placing upon me, instead of accepting the definition of myself as being ‘sensitive’ and then blaming my mother for creating that definition of me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another – exactly as I blamed my mother – for what I perceived as them triggering a reaction within me through emphasizing the fact that I’m reacting and through placing a definition upon me – when in fact I’m the only one that can trigger reactions within myself and I’m the only one that can accept and allow definitions – whether they come from myself or someone else – to define me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and define the whole situation from within a starting-point of inferiority where I, after I allowed myself to become possessed within and as a reaction, went into an experience of guilt and shame and mental ‘humility’ where I thought that now everything the other person had said must to be right and that I was now doing good by ‘being humble’ and accepting everything they said as valid and true
When and as another is speaking and I within their words see an opportunity for me to stand up and change and I see that I’m going into an experience of resistance projected towards the other person – I stop myself and I breathe and I push myself to allow myself to listen and hear what is being said. I realize that resistance in this context is an automated response triggered by/within the mind pr. My directive and permission within how I’ve accepted myself as the mind and that this resistance is triggered so that I don’t stand up and change. Therefore I also realize how important it is to exactly in such moments push through the resistance and actually listen to what’s being said, because I within this have an opportunity to change. I therefore commit myself to listen and hear what is being said when I see an opportunity for me to change through the words of another
When and as another is speaking about me reacting and I see that I’m triggering a compounding of the reaction because I feel called out and exposed within my reaction, I stop and I breathe and I focus on stabilizing myself here. I realize that another cannot make me react or create a definition within and as myself of how I am or who I am. Only I can do that for myself. And therefore by blaming another as though they’re responsible for creating reactions within me, I’m in fact abdicating responsibility for myself and thus disempowering myself to the mind and the reaction. So therefore I commit myself to take responsibility for the reactions that I accept within and as me and I commit myself to stop blaming others for creating or compounding reactions within me.
When and as I see that I am without question accepting everything another is saying as ‘true’ and ‘valid’ – for instance because I perceive them as superior to me in defining them as in a position of expertise or authority, I stop myself and I allow myself to asses what is being said in common sense self-honesty and to bring what is being said back to myself and possibly cross-reference the point with others or do further research when and as needed – and so prevent myself from making any rash and rushed decisions simply based on me accepting another’s words as superior. I realize that I’ve accepted myself as inferior to people I perceive and define as ‘experts’ or ‘authorities’ within a certain field and that I have thus believed that I can and should trust everything they’re saying and accordingly make a decision, when the fact of the matter is that the validity of information does not simply has to do with a person’s expertise or experience within a certain field as there can be multiple dimensions to consider when it comes to making a decision. And I realize that at the end of the day I still have to make a decision based on a self-honest assessment that I have to make within standing as the directive principle and authority of myself and my life and therefore I cannot blindly place my trust in others or accept a position of superiority/inferiority. I commit myself to humble myself and allow myself to listen to another, especially if they are experienced and experts in a certain field – but to also within that not go into a position within myself of inferiority where I perceive them as superior because of their expertise and experience and where I asses what is being said for myself in self-honesty and common sense as the final point of making a decision within and as myself.