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Rebellion against disciplineIn this blog I am continuing from the last post to write about the personality/character construct of deliberately rebelling against the things that I should be doing by not doing it. This blog-post is therefore about discipline.

I looked up the word Discipline and the etymology of the word and found something interesting:

discipline (n.)

early 13c., “penitential chastisement; punishment,” from Old French descepline (11c.) “discipline, physical punishment; teaching; suffering; martyrdom,” and directly from Latin disciplina “instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge,” also “object of instruction, knowledge, science, military discipline,” from discipulus (see disciple (n.)).

Sense of “treatment that corrects or punishes” is from notion of “order necessary for instruction.” The Latin word is glossed in Old English by þeodscipe. Meaning “branch of instruction or education” is first recorded late 14c. Meaning “military training” is from late 15c.; that of “orderly conduct as a result of training” is from c.1500.

disciple (n.)

Old English discipul (fem. discipula), Biblical borrowing from Latin discipulus “pupil, student, follower,” said to be from discere “to learn” [OED, Watkins], from a reduplicated form of PIE root *dek- “to take, accept” (see decent).

But according to Barnhart and Klein, from a lost compound *discipere “to grasp intellectually, analyze thoroughly,” from dis- “apart” (see dis-) + capere “to take, take hold of” (see capable). Cf. Latin capulus “handle” from capere. Sometimes glossed in Old English by þegn (see thane).

So what is interesting is that the original sense of the word is about learning – like being a disciple, whereas the definition that I’ve integrated is a polarized negative definition of seeing discipline as a ‘punishment’. So it is quite cool to get this new perspective on discipline, where it literally is about thoroughly analyzing a situation and accordingly being able to make an effective decision.

I will here apply self-forgiveness on the Fear and Desire dimensions of the character/personality-design that I shared in the previous blog-post and bring in the perspectives that came up in the conversation with my partner.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear disciplining myself and do things that are best for me that does not feel good, because I fear that this will be boring and tedious and I will miss out on something fun and enjoyable if I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate discipline and self-discipline with boredom, tediousness and missing out on fun directly defining discipline within myself as boring, tedious and lacking of fun.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a negative polarized association and relationship to the word ‘discipline’ where I, as I see the word, immediately experience a negative reaction of being ‘restrained’ and ‘punished’ which obviously is then also what triggers the counter-reaction of resisting discipline and creating a positive energetic relationship to this resistance because then it is about ‘avoiding punishment’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience and define discipline as something ‘others’ are forcing me to do and pulling down over my head and that pr. Definition is ‘boring’ and ‘tedious’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider the definition of discipline as a point of learning and self-instruction in terms of doing something that one might not be ‘naturally’ inclined to do but that one understands rationally has to be done

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that disciplining myself is the same as punishing myself – instead of seeing and realizing how disciplining myself can be an act of self-honor and self-respect especially in terms of disciplining myself to stop pre-programmed patterns of behavior that I experience an energetic inclination towards through a rational understanding of this pre-programmed behavior, it’s consequences and the responsibility to act differently to ensure that my actions are best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a story in my mind about how I was not taught discipline as a child and how this is thus my mother’s fault and the fault of the adults around me and within this thus see myself as ‘innocent’ in the sense that “I can’t help it” – not realizing how I am within this, arguing for my own limitation while projecting the responsibility for my lack of discipline onto others as outside and separate from me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for disciplining myself – especially when it comes to stopping and changing preprogrammed patterns of behavior within seeing discipline as a tool of self-support like a bridge of structure that I can utilize until I have established a new foundation for myself to live according to based on the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fear of missing out, fear of a boring life and fear of tedious tasks as an excuse, justification and distraction from facing myself and as a way to exonerate myself from responsibility by making discipline ‘the enemy’ instead of seeing it as a practical tool of self-movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify not living self-disciplined by saying to myself and others that “this is how I’ve always been” and “I’ve been like this my whole life” – so as to justify why I’m not changing this pattern – when in fact it is clear that I am in fact disciplined when it comes to certain specific points in my life and therefore it is not the ability to be self-disciplined that is somehow ‘void’ within me – but in fact a habitual self-accepted limitation and unwillingness to discipline myself because of the negative association I’ve created towards the word

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a negative energetic reaction that I trigger every time I see the word ‘discipline’ where I immediately associate it with an adult spanking a child or being mean to a child to ‘teach it a lesson’ toward which I react in rebellion within myself – not realizing how I’m not responding to a real ‘threat’ but to my own negative association to the word ‘discipline’ where I then respond with a positive energetic reaction of rebelling – not realizing that I’m rebelling within and as my own mind, like chasing after my own shadow in a loop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form and create a positive energetic relationship towards rebelling against discipline in any and all ways where I see and experience the word discipline – never distinguishing between when discipline is being abused by an adult against a child, which obviously IS unacceptable and should be subverted, however I’ve actually almost never experienced this form of discipline on my own actual body and therefore my association is unfounded since I have now understood that discipine can be defined diferently, as a point of instructing and guiding oneself or another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss out on innumerable opportunities to learn and grow and change simply because I refused to be disciplined and to discipline myself – never realizing how adults for example in my life, were utilizing discipline as a bridge to provide instruction and teach me something that I wasn’t already ‘naturally’ inclined to do. (With natural here I mean in terms of doing something that we don’t ‘feel like doing’ and then doing it anyway because we understand that it will be of benefit for us).

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energetic relationship towards rebelling against discipline and authority within and as defining this rebellion as ‘freedom’ and as ‘taking power’ and ‘taking my life in my own hands’ – not realizing how I wasn’t actually doing that in fact because what I ‘ran to’ was simply another preprogrammed patterned behavior and so all I changed was frequencies and polarities while remaining just as enslaved as ever

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be especially undisciplined when it comes to my relationship to my own physical body and taking care of my own physical body and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how, when it is my relationship to my body that is the main-issue in terms of me not being disciplined, then this is also where I am accepting and allowing the mind to take charge and direct and define who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience and define self-discipline as a form of self-betrayal because when I discipline myself I have to do something that I don’t necessarily like or want to do and I’ve defined myself according to my feelings and emotions, letting these be what guide and directs me through life – and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to conversely define rebelling against discipline as a form of ‘self-respect’ and ‘self-honor’ because I ‘respect’ and ‘honor’ my feelings and emotions – not realizing how all I am respecting and honoring is the mind as preprogrammed habitual patterns of preference and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or admit myself that what I’ve ‘honored’ and ‘respected’ in my rebellion against discipline has in fact been explicit self-destructive and self-sabotaging patterns of behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a time-loop of being a small child that rebels against the adults restraints – like a small child that is being prevented from going out onto a busy road or from climbing in the ceiling or from eating a whole bag of candy – where I still define and experience myself as this child, not understanding why the adult is restraining me and perceiving this restraint as something negative instead of understanding that the adult knows something about the world that I do not yet have the capacity to understand and accordingly learn and expand myself within and as trusting the adult’s guidance and directions – and so also within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself and guide myself and instruct myself given the fact that I am no longer a small child that doesn’t understand what is good for me and what is not and the fact that there are no ‘adults’ around me to guide me – as I am the adult who has to guide myself and restrain myself when necessary – though not in a negative or limiting sense, but simply in terms of not following every ‘whim’ and ‘urge’ that comes up within the mind because I understand and see the potential consequences of following such ‘whims’ or urges and accordingly make a calculated decision to rather restrain myself as a point of self-support, self-guidance and self-instruction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the mind is like a small child, because it does not see or understand or even care about the potential consequences of its ‘whims’ and ‘urges’ because all it is focused on is what it wants within the moment and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the adult, as the instructor, as the teacher in my relationship to myself as the mind, because I do in fact see and understand and can calculate potential consequences of certain specific actions and patterns of behavior and therefore I have a responsibility to direct and guide myself accordingly in common sense

I realize that if my mind had been a real child and I had been the child’s parent, the child or both of us would have most likely died. Because if I transfer the relationship I’ve created with the mind onto a real-life parenting scenario, it would be the same as the adult allowing the child to be in full control, leading the child’s whims and urges direct where I as the parent would follow and honor and respect every decision the child made, as though the child’s urges and whims is the authority that knows and understands what is best – when the matter of fact is that I as the adult have more experience with being in the world which the child does not and so the child doesn’t for example know that it can be dangerous to walk onto a busy road, but in this scenario I would have as the parent simply walked with the child onto the road, trusting that the child’s experience of wanting to go out onto the road is what is best and most important to direct and guide myself according to. Comparing my relationship to the mind to such a scenario shows the obvious absurdity of this relationship – and how important it is to change because it is actually quite a dangerous relationship that can have potential unnecessary consequences.

I will continue in the next blog-post with these points.

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