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Exhilerating DefianceIn this post I am going to start opening up and writing about a specific character/personality-construct that I see has played a prominent part of my life.

I will call it the “Exhilarating Defiance” character.

As I have begun to investigate this character/personality-design I have found something interesting, and this is also why I am saying that it is a personality-construct and not simply a personality. I’ve found that I have quite a strong identification/self-definition/protection of this personality in the sense that there exist within me a strong acceptance of the personality as ‘who I am’ – however not in a conscious way as much as subconsciously and also, this personality is conflicting in that I have a positive and a negative relationship to it.

The way that it plays out is through a ‘rebelling’ against ‘the rules’ and against ‘morality’, which more often than not are my own pre-conceived rules inside my head that I’ve laid out for myself. So it can be something as simple as eating cheese even though I’ve said to myself that I won’t eat cheese because I can see it isn’t good for my physical body. And this is actually an interesting example, because I have a clear memory from when I was a child where I ‘stole’ a huge piece of cheese from the fridge in the commune I was living in with my mother and I hid it and ate from it over a few days within a very distinct experience of exhilaration and thrill. And what is even more interesting is that I had absolutely no reference to it being ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ to eat the cheese. I had full access to the fridge and could eat what I wanted when I wanted. The only reference I had to restriction was my allergies towards dairy. I’ve written about this in several different blogs where I have opened up various layers of this point. And so now what I see is that it is a somewhat unattached character in the sense that it doesn’t have these ‘deep roots’ in some trauma for example. It is more like a process of slow accumulation where I discovered that “when I do this, I experience exhilaration”. As I continue to open up the pattern I will specify these points further and see how it all connects.

For context on what I will be walking and how to write out Character dimensions, please read the following blog by Sunette Spies:

Character Dimensions – Introduction (Writing): DAY 162

I will begin here by mapping out the components that the character/personality consist of:

Fear: Fear of having a boring life, fear of tedious tasks, fear of hard work, fear of missing out

Desire: Desire for freedom, desire to indulge, desire to experience, desire to have power/control

Thoughts: An image of pulling out of a hard grip of a hand

Positive Backchat – supporting the character: “ha-ha, I cheated them.” “I can do what I want” “fuck them, I’ll do what I want” “Yes, I got off the hook!” “I dodged a bullet” “I’m free!” “I don’t have to do it now, I can do it later” “just a little bit longer” “just a little bit more” “just one more time” “one more cannot hurt”

Negative Backchat – supporting the character: “Oh my god, this is so boring” “This is going to be so boring” “This is tedious” “I’m bored” “I have to get out of this” “man I can’t handle it” “I feel trapped” “I wish I was doing this instead” “why do I have to do this” “This is so hard!”

Negative Backchat – in conflict with the character: “Fuck I did it again” “I’m so undisciplined” “get a grip, pull yourself together” “I’m so stupid” “I’m a bad person” “I’m evil” “I’m selfish”

Positive Backchat – in conflict with the character “I have to control myself better” “I have to discipline myself” “I’m not going to do that anymore” “enough!”

Reactions

Positive: self-empowerment, feeling powerful, feeling in control, feeling relieved, feeling rewarded, feeling protected, feeling like I escaped something dreadful, feeling excited, feeling aroused, feeling ‘high’

Negative: feeling trapped, feeling fearful, feeling resisting, feeling weak, feeling guilty, feeling regretful, feeling ashamed, anxious, nervous

Physical attributes: the two ways that this character plays out, is to do something that I’m not supposed to do and to not do something that I am supposed to do. The physical experiences are feeling very buzzing with energy, like tingling, also with a lot of tunnel vision so to speak where my entire body becomes fixated on this ‘mission’. Then when the deed is done, I feel quiet and relaxed. Then afterwards when the ‘buzz’ has worn off, I feel heavy, weak and unstable

Consequences: the consequences of this pattern are somewhat devastating in that once it plays out I keep myself in a time-loop of infectivity while I through the mind am happily ‘gorging on life’. It has consequences for every parts of my life and I will expand more on this as I continue to open the point up.

In the next post I will begin the process of walking through and releasing each component through self-forgiveness.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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