In this blog-post I am returning to writing about Relationship Paranoia and the Relationship character. What is interesting is that I realize that whether it is Friendship Paranoia or Relationships I am writing about, it’s all part of the same ‘mental soup’ that has to do with relating to others and within and behind that, my relationship with myself.
As such, this is a continuation from the following blog-posts:
- Be Your Own ‘Chosen One’: DAY 230
- Discontinuing The Sexual Hunger Games: DAY 211
- She’s A Man Eater: DAY 210
- Awkward around Boys – The Dimensions of the Pattern: DAY 180
While speaking with male Destonians, I have come to realize how extensively most males exist within and as fantasies and reactions towards women’s bodies and I’ve seen first hand how difficult it can be for males to stop this specific energetic addiction. Well guess what? Lol – I have the exact same ‘problem’ only the other way around – and it’s one persistent addiction and I realize that the intensity of the persistence of this addiction is based on me not having wanted to let it go. Because if there is one particular energy I have enjoyed throughout my life, it was that of getting attention from males.
The point I am opening up in this post emerged while I was travelling back from the Desteni farm in South Africa and through my return back to Sweden. The point has to do with how I change myself, physically and mentally within a fantasy/imagination of impressing other people and here specifically towards males and desiring to be seen as attractive.
Now – obviously all of this has to due with how we’ve constructed ourselves into ‘gendered’ characters, each seeking fulfillment of some sort from the other, I’ve walked this, I’ve seen it – it’s done. So my question to myself has been: then why is it still so easy for me to walk straight into this possession? I am calling it a ‘possession’ because that is exactly what it is. What I noticed while I was travelling was that whenever there was a ‘potential’ male – meaning someone who fits the image that I’ve placed in my database in the mind called: “Men that I want to be attracted to me” – my entire experience of myself would change, my entire physical expression would change and my thoughts would become extremely one-dimensional – focusing on how to present myself in the most flattering light possible, figuratively and literally. And all though I applied self-forgiveness and I spoke self-corrective statements, I still didn’t stop because I justified it as: “it feels so good.” – Now none of this is something that happened at a fully consciously aware level.
Because we’re clever when we lie to ourselves – we deliberately create a ‘vacuum’ within/as the secret mind, where we’ll see what we’re accepting and allowing yet do it anyway through a mechanism of dulling our own awareness. I remember it clearly from other addictions that I’ve participated within, where I had one idea of myself at one layer of awareness, like the ‘politically correct’ self-definition meanwhile I hid my actual motives and starting-point from myself (and others) so that I could claim that it was something that ‘just happened’, that it was ‘automated’ and that I had ‘no control’ over it. It is similar to saying: “I was drunk, I couldn’t help myself.” Well you decided to get drunk in the first place. As I’ve written elsewhere, since gaining weight, I’ve more or less lost the ‘ability’ to generate energy from men looking lustful at me and in the beginning I experienced it as quite a loss (withdrawal from energy addiction). Eventually I convinced myself that I had accepted that it was what it was. However once I stepped into the process of travelling, the point kickstarted on full speed once I got into an environment with many males everywhere. And especially if I then got a bare minimum of a ‘look’ from a guy – I could be high on that for several hours, fuelling the possession even more. Seriously – it’s like a drug. And I have no doubts that many women will be able to relate to me and men as well, although men commonly get their high from watching women, from hunting.
It surprised me that a point such as this one can have such a hold over me as it does – or rather that I’ve held myself within it so extensively. Because it is obviously completely irrational, it doesn’t serve any practical purpose and it hasn’t got any substantial point of reference that could justify its existence. The point that I’ve seen is that when guys look at me and I perceive them as finding me attractive, I would feel worthy, valued, special, wanted – and really, I would just feel like my existence in this world mattered in some way, to someone – to feel that I had some kind of impact.
So here I’d like to share once again the series of dreams that I used to have a couple of years back, because these dreams still stand as a cool reflection as to what this point is really all about. In the dream I would be busy with a physical moment of self-expression where I would test my own limits and explore myself in/as physicality. At some point a man/boy would come into my field of vision and I would immediately step out of my self-enjoyment and instead start trying to impress this man/boy after which I wasn’t even able to ‘show of’ my physical expression – because it wasn’t real anymore. So it’s a similar point that I see that I am facing when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to step into this desire for a man to be attracted to me.
It is fascinating but also quite daunting to watch this ‘game’ unfolds between men and women, in that it is virtually a constant point of preoccupation – for some men and women in particular where for others it’s more of a momentary point that emerges – an energetic ‘kick’ if you will, to get the ‘juices flowing’. And there are endless products that cater to this specific desire. All the commercials, movies, advertisements and billboards prey and play on this desire. It is why women buy lingerie; uncomfortable shoes and make-up that makes their face break out in hives. It is absolutely and insanely irrelevant to anything real in this world and yet we’ve given it so much value.
So my commitment to myself is to stop participating in this game, because I see that I am compromising myself within and because of it. I see that as soon as I step into this possession, I abdicate my self-stability, my self-honesty, my self-direction, my self-enjoyment, my self-worth, my self-respect and my dignity. And I’ve done so for something that is so insignificant that if it stopped tomorrow, we would all be better off because of it. I realize that the reason why I haven’t been willing to let go of it, is because I like how it makes me feel to feel attractive, to feel wanted, to feel seen, to feel worthy and valued – and to feel that my existence matters, somehow, in some way to someone. What I hadn’t realized is that this is by far one of the lowest points of ‘worth’s’ that exist – I mean it isn’t even real, so why would we abdicate ourselves to something that isn’t even real? Because we – because I haven’t valued the reality of myself here, my physical body as myself, my self-expression with/within/as myself. I’ve seen and judged THAT as being what is insignificant – and thus abdicated anything and everything that is of real value. It is obvious that when we don’t value ourselves, and when we come into this world learning that our entire focus must be outside of ourselves and that our relationship with ourselves is virtually non-existent, it is not so odd that we start looking for worth and value in separation from and of ourselves. I am here, I am real, I exist – not yet as breathing, dignified human being, but the only one that can make that decision is myself. So I will continue to expose and open up these points so that I can exorcise myself of the ‘demonic entity’ and the energetic addiction connected to desiring to be seen/wanted by others – and finally return here to the silence, darkness and stability of myself.
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