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Being the Chosen oneIn this blog-post we are going to walk the self-forgiveness and self-corrective process in context to the desire to be ‘THE ONE’, the desire to be selected to be the ‘CHOSEN ONE’ and the reaction towards the experience of NOT being the ‘chosen one’ that I wrote about on DAY 228.

See, as human beings we exist in a constant competition with one another, playing all sorts of nasty and spiteful games to be the one that comes out on top. We don’t work together for real, we don’t support each other for real – on contrary; every chance we get, we go behind each others backs and try to pull each other down, while forcing ourselves on top, either through our relationships with each other or within our own minds.

No real change is possible in the world as long as the desire exists to be “the one.” Because there is only one ONE – and that is life, that is all of us together in the collective we call this existence.

“This World Will Not Change through Individuals or Individualism as it Exists Now, it will Not Change through Free Choices that Exist Now. It Requires the Inner Change and Understanding of Each One, of Every Thought, Word and Emotion and Feeling and Experience to Ensure that the Origin of it Is Self As Life that Acts in a Way that is Best For All Life, that Understands the Fundamental Premise that ‘One Must Give as You Would Like to Receive’ – otherwise they will Not be Balanced in Harmony.” – Bernard Poolman

So – let’s walk the self-forgiveness and corrective process so that we can stop existing with each other as though we are in a constant mortal combat fighting for our lives and realize that the only way to live for real – is to give to others as we would like to receive, is through becoming the kind of beings that others can trust, that we can trust each other to act within and as an equality of dignity, integrity, respect and consideration.

SELF-FORGIVENESS:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when other children would select each other to play with when I was a child, thereby creating an experience within and as myself that I was being excluded deliberately and that therefore there was something wrong with me since they didn’t want to play with me – instead of simply recognizing the fact that these children wanted to play with each other for example within and as enjoying each other’s expression and that their selection of each other had nothing to do with me but also within this see, realize and understand how the process of social exclusion is taught to us by our parents and how we from an early age learn to use methods to deliberately place ourselves on top, in the middle, in the center and deliberately push others down, wanting them to feel like shit so that we can feel like we’re more, like we’re powerful, like we’re in control and how these children has had no other point of reference than what they saw the adults in their lives do, exactly as I did equally – because we are born into a world carrying the ‘sins of the fathers’ the entire ancestry of past mistakes that was never corrected but patched and layered on top of each other leaving ourselves with a world of total separation, deceit and abuse in the name of our own image and likeness as having accepted competition for survival with ourselves as the base premise for our existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow an experience of jealousy, envy, anger, blame, sadness and loneliness to exist within and as me when and as I see people selecting each other and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people selecting each other personally and thus define it as them de-selecting me – within and as seeing and experiencing myself as the ‘center of the universe’ yet at the same time in complete and total separation from/as myself here because I project myself outside of myself, in separation of/from myself believing and accepting social relationships with others as ‘the place’ where I have to find myself, my life, my worth and my value as a being – not seeing, realizing or understanding how I am the worth and value of my being and that I am already here, whole and complete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a polarized conflicted relationship that I project towards being selected or being de-selected from interacting with other people, where if I am de-selected I feel less than, inferior, sad, empty and lonely where as if I experience myself as selected,  I feel good, I feel superior, happy, full and loved – not seeing, realizing or understanding how these experiences aren’t real in fact, because I am not defined by whether or not others select me or not, but that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow a desperate desire to be selected, to be the ‘chosen one’ that another choses to exist within and as me, where I will go to the length of plotting, planning and scheming in my mind how I can get myself to such a position where I am selected and to even scheme about how I can push others out if they have been selected before me by someone that I desire to be selected by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see other females specifically speaking together whispering and what I perceive as them being close together, sharing a moment of intimacy together immediately trigger a reaction within and as myself of jealousy, envy and uncomfortability where I then try to hear what they are talking about and start thinking about/plotting how I can become a part of the ‘space’ that I perceive that they are in – while not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I am perceiving is not actually real, as what I am seeing is filtered by the mind functioning based on  database of memories that I have attached myself to, defined myself according to and defined this specific scenario of two females having a ‘moment’ where I am not included

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment where I see or hear two females sharing a moment of intimacy, have accepted and allowed myself to create an automated reaction that I have absolutely no direction over and that I thus experience as ‘taking over’ my entire being to the point where I am no longer stable within and as myself and my physical body because all that matters to me is THEIR perceived closeness that “I AM NOT A PART OF”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I separate myself from myself in the moment of seeing two females in what I perceive as a moment of intimacy – is because I have separated myself from my own self-intimacy and as such the two females and the intimacy that I perceive that they share and the reaction I experience towards the situation, is in fact my own reflected self-separation from myself as self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest an experience of feeling overwhelmed and almost like a form of insanity within myself when I see two females in a moment of what I perceive to be intimacy – specifically because I see, perceive and experience myself as ‘not part of it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment where I see two females in what I perceive as a moment of intimacy – immediately trigger the thought that ‘there is something wrong with me’ – where I in fact that their sharing themselves with each other personally – thus indicating that I believe that the world revolves around me and thus when the spotlight is on/with someone else, I feel like I stand in a black space of nothingness, that I don’t exist, that I have no value or worth within myself – specifically because I have so extensively defined my value and worth according to my relationship with other people and how I perceive myself within and as that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and accept my value, worth and myself according to my perception of myself in relationship to others from within and as a starting-point that I am essentially worthless and thus have to prove myself worthy to others with them having the total and complete power over my worth and value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how extensively I have fucked up my relationship with myself and with others, from within and as a starting-point of taking social relationships with others extremely serious, as a matter of life and death, as that which makes or breaks me and as that which ultimately defines me as a being – where if other people like me and wants to be friends with me, I am allowed to exist, I am ‘okay’, I am successful and if they don’t like me, if they don’t want to be friends with me, my entire life is ruined and I am absolutely and utterly worthless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth and value explicitly only according to whether or not other people like me and want to spend time with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I have never in fact chosen me – ever in my life – I have always wanted others to ‘chose’ me and thereby validate and accept my existence instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way I can be the ‘chosen one’ is by me actually choosing myself – choosing to walk with/as myself and get to know and understand myself, become intimate with/as/within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how my entire submission and abdication of and as myself to the ‘realm’ of social relationships – here specifically ‘friendships’ and ‘romantic relationships’ comes from a point of accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to the belief that being successful in relationships with others – is the only, sole and primary purpose/value in/of life – meanwhile these relationships that I have existed in throughout my life, that I have fought tooth and nail for, have been absolutely and entirely useless in most regards because these relationships do in no way stand for what is best for all, because their foundation is absolutely rotten to the core as they are manifested from within and as the mind and thus belongs to the mind and only exist for the sole purpose of being of service to the mind’s sole agenda of sustaining itself through generating energy from the physical which it does from any and all angles through reactions, friction, deceit and desire and fear and paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever question the value I placed on social relationships – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my life away, to give myself away, to give the potential of life as equality and oneness within me, away to an abusive and stupid system that had absolutely no value – where there was no real support, no real communication, no real intimacy – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the intimacy I so longed for and saw in the relationship between others – was my own self-intimacy that I hadn’t even allowed myself to develop or nurture

SELF-COMMITMENT

When and as I see two females sharing themselves with each other in a way that I perceive to be intimate, I remain here stable within and as myself. I see, realize and understand that how others interact or communicate with one another, does not in any way define me or change me. I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to react to seeing females ‘bond’ and I commit myself to stop the reaction of feeling left out, not wanted, not being the chosen one. I see, realize and understand that the only way I can be the chosen one, is by choosing myself – choosing to develop a relationship with/within/as myself of and as self-intimacy and self-honesty, integrity, care, gentleness and self-respect. So I commit myself to walk a process of developing self-intimacy with/within and as myself. I chose me. I chose to live here with me, as me – I chose to get to know myself and how I have created myself and abdicated myself to the mind. I chose to stop the mind, step out of the mind and develop self-integrity, self-intimacy, self-respect and self-honesty. I chose to stop valuing social relationships within and as the context of defining my value and worth and beingness according to develop social relationships – and I commit myself to develop social relationships anew based on my own relationship with myself of dignity, self-honesty and respect within and as the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all. Until it is done.

Thank you.

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