best friends forever, feeling excluded, feeling left out, friendship dynamics, girl friendship dynamics, girls friendships, wanting a best friend, wanting a friend, why is it so hard to find a friend?
In this post I am going to walk another Childhood paranoia point that has opened up recently. What is interesting is that as I’ve started the series on kindergarten paranoia on my Teacher’s Journey to Life blog, points have simply emerged very clearly and obviously. So this particular point that I will be walking in this blog-post is an expansion on or another layer/dimension of the thought that “There must be something wrong with me” in context to social relationships. So for context I recommend reading the previous blog-posts in this series.
Now – as I’ve started to open up the point of paranoia in my childhood particularly in context to school, what has emerged as a the strongest point is the point of social relationships or friendships with other children as well as the conflicts I experienced within and towards that. I’ve thus started to see in much more detail how extensively my childhood experience of myself was influenced and created by paranoia and what a sick, twisted and evil world we have created for ourselves, where children are like lambs being thrown to the lions without any ability to understand themselves or what goes on within them, only to have no choice but to submit to the systems they are embedded into in a dependency of obedience.
So this particular point emerged in two instances where I experienced a reaction within myself, where in both instances I was speaking to another female who talked about how she was going to do something in the future with another female. My perception of this was that the agreement the two females had made with each other was one of ‘bonding’ – where they made this agreement to do something together because they really liked each other and this agreement sort of solidified or celebrated their ‘connection’. Now within these two completely different moments I felt a jab to my stomach and the reaction I experienced was one of jealousy, envy, anger, loneliness and sadness.
So within these two experiences I could see the direct link to my childhood and the formation of relationships between females as ‘friendships’ and how this also linked in with the belief and thought that “There must be something wrong with me.”
Because basically what I experienced the strongest was a sadness and loneliness towards these two females ‘selecting’ each other as best friends and forming an exclusive bond that I was not a part of. I remember it clearly in how we would at our school constantly make agreements for children to come and play at each other’s houses and how I always experienced a paranoia and stress towards it, where we were for example competing for the attention of a particular girl that was popular. And when she selected another girl than me to play with and they talked about all the fun stuff they were going to do and when they then came to school the next day having ‘bonded’ I felt extremely lonely and sad. Now within this there is also the fact that I lived far away from the school, which meant that I had to travel thirty minutes with train and then take a bus to get to and from school and this I did from the first to the eight grades every day. So most of the other children in my school had easier access to each other because they lived nearby one another and the children that lived on the street where I lived I almost had not access to, because obviously they went to school together and then got to know each other that way. But I did still often go to other children’s houses. But I remember it as being extremely stressful and filled with paranoia of all sorts, paranoia towards the other child, their parents, their house, their toys, eating together with them, fear of sleeping over – you name it. So I don’t remember ever being fully comfortable within this point of playing with other children and I actually enjoyed myself the most when I was alone. But that is not how I consciously experienced it as a child, because I was so focused on getting friends and I was extremely paranoid towards it.
Something that I’ve been looking at as I looked at the experience that came up within me when hearing two females connecting with each other where I was not included is that I’ve created similar connections with other females where I was the ‘chosen one’ or where the other female was the ‘chosen one’ depending on who was in a position of superiority within the friendship/group of girls. And what I saw was that when I did this, is that there are two scenarios. One is where the two females are simply enjoying each other’s company and where there is no deliberate exclusion of other people or any form of consideration that others are being excluded. In the other scenario there is a deliberate exclusion of others, where the two aren’t even actually enjoying each other genuinely or based on an expression, but where the exclusivity is a part of the entire friendship paranoia scenario and hierarchy existent predominantly in school and in childhood – but that even exist in adulthood although much more incognito and subtle. So basically what I see is that I’ve taken the second scenario as a child and I’ve taken it personally – for me as a child, friendships was pure paranoia and so through years of accumulation of this point has lead to an instantaneous and automated triggered experience whenever I hear two females in a group that I am in going of to do something together. What is so absurd is that there’s not even a consideration of whether I’d actually like to participate or whether it would be relevant. Because within the mind – what is triggered is the belief that something is going on WITHOUT me and that it is deliberately going on WITHOUT me because I’m not good enough and/or because the two females don’t like me and so again as in the blog post, the conclusion I’ve come to is: “There must be something wrong with me.” However this pattern then plays out a little different in that what is specifically triggered thereafter is loneliness and a desire to participate – a wish that “it was me.” So as a child, I desperately longed to have a ‘best friend’. Someone that wanted to be with me exclusively and basically what I see is that it is that ‘without’ point where I literally separated myself from myself – lol – which is why I then felt lonely. Because I had removed myself from the equation and was focusing on a ‘unity’ between other beings that I took personally. I took it personally that others had a moment together without me, that they enjoyed each other without me. And so within taking it personally, I confirmed the experience for myself as real and thereby compounded it and in fact made it worse within myself but even in my relationships to others. Because the backchat that was then triggered after I had heard the females talking about doing something together was how I could change myself so that they would pick me. So all these thoughts started coming up of: “Why am I not the one she wants to be friends with?” Why didn’t they invite me?” “Is it because there’s something wrong with me?” “it’s probably because they don’t like me” “I wish it was me who had that connection with someone else” “I have no one.”
What I then did semi-deliberately, because it was not yet in full stability and self-direction was to move myself out of the experience of jealousy/envy/sadness/loneliness and speak to the female about the thing she was talking about that she was going to do with the other female – deliberately doing the opposite of what I would have done as a child, which was to retract myself and go and sulk and feel lonely. So instead I started to ask her questions and although it isn’t yet fully implemented, it was cool to see how I could direct it in the moment. And what emerged interestingly enough from that was a comfortability and intimacy with myself. That I don’t have to separate myself from myself by feeling excluded or that other people are deliberately doing things together because there’s something wrong with me. Because I know for a fact that two beings can simply enjoy each other’s company and expression without it having anything to do with anyone else. And within that they’re not deliberately excluding others. Sometimes it’s simply more practical and convenient to be two people together. Dynamics change where there’s more than two and it can be difficult at this stage of where we are as humanity to establish a form of equality when there’s more than two. And what’s also interesting is that I didn’t even consider how I’ve also been in such constellations with other females. It’s like in that moment, that point doesn’t even exist because all that matters is this moment here and these people here and the fact that they’re having fun WITHOUT me. Here what I’ve also found specifically to where I am in process at the moment is that my main focus must be myself. Because obviously the desire to ‘have a friend’ only comes up when one hasn’t even established an effective and intimate relationship with oneself. And that’s obviously also what happened when I was a child – as I’ve written about in the previous blog-posts; that I was so submitted and obedient to the system, specifically here manifested through childhood groups and social dynamics and hierarchies, that I instead of then simply going home being fine with myself, turned against myself and started seeing myself as a threat or an enemy to my own social survival because I accepted that there was something wrong with me. And it is fascinating also that what actually emerges from this entire point as the key to all of this is my relationship with myself. That’s what it’s been about the whole time. Now obviously there’s also the other scenario where the girls would deliberately exclude others and even ‘highjack’ each other’s friends and go behind someone’s back telling lies and gossip and so it’s not that it started out as a pure unfounded paranoia. But I could have seen the system for what it is. I could have remained here within and as the stability and comfortability of my human physical body and not define myself according to who wants to play with me or not. I remember seeing boys and guys in particular throughout my life who had that self-comfortability where they were able to simply enjoy whoever’s company that were available and who didn’t defined themselves according to who they were hanging out with. These boys would also never participate in gossip, but would simply leave. So I admired them in a way. I wished I could be like them. But at the time I didn’t bring to my awareness what the difference was between them and myself. Because I had already agreed to the importance of the social dynamics of friendships and my identity’s dependency on it. Another point within this is actually that my mother has this exact same point – though within her it is very prominent and throughout my childhood she was very sad often and felt lonely and found it difficult to connect with other females. So it’s obviously a systematized pattern that I haven’t picked up out of the blue and it’s obviously part of the entire scheme of things in how we learn to not be self-reliant and in fact turn against ourselves and devour ourselves mentally and emotionally from within. Because let’s face it – very few people are able to master the social dynamics effectively and these are ironically preprogrammed to do exactly that. This dynamic can therefore also be seen as a direct mirror of how we exist within a relationship between our beingness, the physical and the mind – where it is the mind with all its personalities, thoughts, emotions and feelings that is in full control where the beingness-awareness and body can’t do anything but be a spectator and never get to participate in fact. And what is fascinating still is that as we start letting go of this mental prison manifested through social relationships, what emerges is what has always been there in the background: Ourselves.
In the next blog-post I will apply self-forgiveness on what I’ve written out here specifically in relation to my relationship to myself and how I compromised and sabotaged that and alienated myself within and through my obedience to the system.
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