In and from this post we are continuing with the Relationship Paranoia series and more specifically the Paranoia of Falling in Love. In this post we will look at the point of falling in love/becoming infatuated with someone other than one’s partner and how that in itself is a form of Paranoia that can have potential and unnecessary consequences.
Here are the previous posts in this series:
- 21: Love is Blind – (Relationship Paranoia Pt. 6) – DAY 215
- 18: Brainwashed to Love – (Relationship Paranoia pt. 5) – DAY 214
- 14: Falling in Love as the Meaning of Life: (Relationship Paranoia Pt. 4): DAY 213
- 10: The Insanity of Falling in Love – (Relationship Paranoia – Part 3): DAY 212
- 08: Discontinuing The Sexual Hunger Games: DAY 211
- 06: She’s A Man Eater: DAY 210
Falling in love with someone other than one’s partner isn’t different from falling in love in general as we have discussed it in the previous post. The difference is however that this form of falling in love has additional components of Paranoia as the accumulation and entertainment of repetitive thoughts in one’s mind that can lead to one acting out on the feelings that one experience. However the fundamental pattern is the same as we’re constantly looking for “THE ONE” and many people will jump from relationship to relationship in search of that magic ingredient believed to be a mate or partner. Obviously also often sexual attraction will play a big part in the development of falling in love with someone other than one’s partner where it is the same point of: “oh what if?”, “Perhaps this person would be amazing in bed.” So instead of the ultimate love – we’re now also looking for the “ultimate orgasm” or sexual experience.
When we fall in love with someone other than our partner, there can be several coinciding trigger points – for example: we’ve gotten to know our partner and we’ve started exposing the truth of ourselves – it is not so pretty or fun anymore, the energy has started to drop and we’re now seeing more of the reality of our partner as well as it being more difficult to keep the reality of ourselves under wraps. So we start looking (often subconsciously) for another person to ‘fill the gap’ and come up with all sorts of reasons and justifications in our conscious mind: “I’m just not that into him/anymore.” “He/she is not who I thought they were.” “It’s not exciting anymore… maybe I’m with the wrong person.” “Maybe he/she wasn’t my true love after all… perhaps it is another person.” The backchat that we can entertain in our mind to seduce ourselves into acting on desire are innumerable and elaborate. Whatever works, right?
It is obvious that if we were fully committed to the relationship with our partner, no matter what might emerge or how reality slaps us in the face after the honeymoon period of falling in love is over – that we wouldn’t entertain such thoughts and desires of being with someone else. The feelings and thoughts might come up – but we wouldn’t even entertain them, because we’d stand firm within our commitment to our partner. So we keep a backdoor open for “What if?” and it is through that we allow ourselves to entertain and trigger thoughts and desires towards someone other than our partner.
The only reason why we would activate such experiences of falling in love with someone other than our partner is if we’ve already accepted and allowed that backdoor to remain open. So even if we’re not consciously ‘on the prowl’ for another mate, such points can linger and be triggered suddenly in an environment where the timing is right. Because obviously there has to be some form of pattern where we keep seeing the same person – it could be a co-worker, a friend, even a relative of our partner or simply someone we see every day and interact with, like a shop assistant or neighbor.
Now – to be clear, we’re not here talking about people being in abusive relationships or relationships that are virtually ‘dead’ already because in such relationships the point of ‘seeking a way out’ is more obviously and deliberate and often quite strategically made. So we’re more talking about relationships where one still hold an idea of being committed yet have kept a backdoor open for the possibility of someone ‘better’ coming along – and how that whole process unfolds within and through our participating in “Love Paranoia”.
For decades the religious and societal tradition of marital bonds have limited people from acting on their feelings of falling in love with someone other than their partner, but in most societies today it is not uncommon for people to get divorced or be unfaithful towards their partners. A study done by OnePoll.com[i] with over 3000 people showed that one in five people fall in love with someone other than their partner and scientists throughout the years have claimed that humans are not monogamous by nature. This supports what we have seen in the previous blog-posts on the Paranoia of Falling in Love; that love isn’t a real substantial experience of value as it is delusional and formed within the person or mind based on their specific ideas and memories and considering that love can fluctuate at any moment and disappear or change ‘recipient’ – it is clear that it’s not real.
That does however not mean that monogamy isn’t possible. It simply shows that we aren’t living based on a directive principle of deciding how we will live our lives and with whom and instead accept and allow ourselves to be directed by mental and energetic paranoia where we’ll ‘latch’ ourselves onto an idea about who another person is and what we believe they can do to us or our lives by us possessing them, sexually or romantically. The fact that we can make a commitment to be with another person, have children with them and share our lives together only to fall back on that commitment either directly or in secret as soon as we start having feelings for someone other than our partner, shows how much we are directed by the mind and how little we in fact have directive principles over ourselves and our lives. It also shows how extensively delusional and separated we are inside ourselves when several different ‘values’ and starting-points are juxtaposed in our minds that we then try to ‘juggle’ and manage in our practical day to day living.
So what we can see here is that we as humans are operating on counter-intuitive programs – where we’re concurrently wanting there to be a “ONE” yet at the same time experience an ‘instinctual’ energetic drive towards being with more than one person. But perhaps this programming isn’t as counter-intuitive as first perceived. Because if we look at it from the mind’s perspective – with it’s constant drive towards upgrading itself and generating energy, the constant conflict inside human beings, the constant unsettledness and in-determination is a ‘perfect’ breeding ground for generating energy. We literally trap ourselves in our constant dichotomous desire for ‘belonging’ and ‘freedom’, ‘excitement’ and ‘safety’ and we trap ourselves in the suppression of desires where we entertain the ‘forbidden’ thoughts and feelings in our secret minds while feeling conflicted and indecisive.
“Relationship experts claim this is because arranged matches are carefully considered, with thought going into whether potential partners’ families, interests and life goals are compatible.
This means they are more likely to commit for life – and to stick together through rocky patches.”[ii]
There is a reason why arranged marriages can be very effective. It is because they are often entered into based on a mutual understanding of the practicality of being with a partner. We’re not here talking about the cultural and religious reasoning behind arranged marriages although that is unfortunately what mostly drives people to enter into arranged marriages. We are instead talking about the point of selecting a partner based on a practical consideration of compatibility within looking at sharing one’s life with another person. Unfortunately such unions have most often been made from a starting-point of ensuring each partner’s survival rather than focusing on compatibility and a mutual understanding of the principles upon which such a union is formed. But what is interesting is that the success of a relationship is dependent upon a mutual sharing of values and effective communication – because the primary part of being in a committed relationship is lived out in the day-to-day-living based on the practicality of making money, sharing a home, raising children and generally being able to share one’s life with another person. Instead we have made ‘love’ the clue that is supposed to hold people together through thick and thin, sickness and health – when we have seen clearly that love can’t be trusted as a permanent or substantial starting-point. This is obviously one of the reasons why most relationships fail. Because no one has ever learned how to develop effective communication skills and we somehow expect that the energetic feeling of love is enough to sustain a relationship without any practical consideration of who each partner is and how the two can work together in fact in mutual support and consideration.
So it is not odd that so many people fall in love with someone other than their partner. And it is vital to consider when this happens what it actually is one is trying to run away from through the sudden obsession with someone other than one’s partner that emerge out of the blue and seem like the answer to all one’s longing and desire. Many of us leave our relationships as soon as the real shit of who we are hits the fan. We don’t ever get to the point of actually developing a real, intimate relationship with another person. We either get up an leave when the veneer of our partner starts cracking and they turn out to be someone completely different than the idea and picture we fell in love with in our minds. Or we leave when we can no longer keep up our own façade that we were able to keep up in those first few exhilarating months (sometimes years) where it seemed like this person only saw the very best in us and we were able to show only the best sides of ourselves. See – it takes two to tango. So this ‘game’ is obviously one played by both partners in most relationships, where we each present our best face forward and our partners deliberately hold us up on a pedestal in their own minds that we so long to be placed on so that we can forget all the real shit about who we actually are. So when the cracks start showing, when it’s no longer fun and games, when everything turns into shitty diapers and arguments over money and dishes and dirty socks – it is no wonder that we start looking else where for that ‘fix’ of seeing ourselves and another as ‘the most perfect’ person and couple in the world.
Real relationships require real commitments and their starting-point can’t be flimsy experiences that can change and shift recipient at any moment. And if one looks back at one’s relationships in self-honesty, that is what most of us will recognize as being the case.
In the end – when we fall in love with someone other than our partner, it actually has nothing to do with neither our current partner nor the person we’re now experiencing a ‘deep connection’ towards. Because it is all still happening within our own minds – whether other people participate in the ‘game’ or not. Because for them it’s equally happening within their own minds. We don’t actually see other people for who they are but merely the ideas and images that we’ve attached to them based on our fantasies of what it is we need to fulfill and complete our lives and ourselves. And until we realize that that person – that point is, have always been and can only be ourselves, we won’t be able to fully see another person for who they are – because all we’re seeing is the reflection of our own separation from ourselves.
We will continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in the next post. And in the meantime I suggest checking out the Desteni I Process Agreement course which is designed specifically to assist and support people, whether in a relationship or not – to sort themselves out and first and foremost establish a solid and sound relationship with oneself and let go of all the ideas and beliefs and secret desires one has created towards sex and relationships – to actually be able to form a union or a partnership with another person based on an actual commitment to live and walk together in practicality and mutual support and assistance.
I also recommended listening to and investing in the interviews on Eqafe that pertains to relationships, sex and agreements where the points that I have touched upon here and in the previous blog-posts about falling in love is expanded upon in detail and specificity.
Suggested reading for expanded perspectives on the delusion and illusion of Love:
Suggested read for those considering going into an Agreement: When are you ready for an agreement.
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