Fear of thoughtsIn my last post I started writing about suppressing emotions and since that blog-post I’ve faced the point of suppressing emotions quite intensely from the perspective that I’ve gone into suppressing emotions – showing myself that I’ve not yet cleared the point or walked effectively through it. A specific pattern that I’ve stepped into within the context of suppressing emotions is that I become sort of numb in my body and ‘hold myself’ in a ‘grip’ where I restrict my breathing and only focus on doing the basics while all I want to do all the time is to sleep. So I’ve also within this faced the point of failure where I had written the blog-post and then I literally stepped right into the pattern again. However I see how this is simply a point of cross-referencing that there are underlying points that I haven’t sorted out, exactly as the opposite would have been the case had I effectively walked through the point. The thoughts that instigate the pattern of suppression are: “I can’t handle it.”, “It’s too much.”, “I’m not good enough to walk this point.” And so from my participation in and endorsement of these thoughts as really reflecting the reality of the situation I’ve spun myself into a loop of suppression culminating in an experience of wanting to sleep all the time. I’ve also found that this sleeping pattern is like the ‘last resort’ of suppression like a card I’ve played on myself that works every time because it utilizes a distinct physical experience of feeling sleepy and tired. It obviously also plays on postponement because the point I’m suppressing within myself is on ‘hold’ while I try to ‘sleep it off’ – which obviously NEVER works. And I see how this has been a frequent pattern I’ve used throughout my life; to simply try and wait things out and hope that they somehow miraculously will change for the better. This has actually played out throughout my life and in process quite significantly and I see how it’s a particular pattern in which I’ve held myself back, held myself down and limited. So if I have a look at the solution, meaning if I walk back and see how I could have done things differently with what I was facing, I would have immediately registered the thoughts that came up – looked at them in razor sharp self-honesty and not accepted them as real or as myself but instead looked at the system they represent and are a part of and the relationship I’ve created with and towards them through which I’ve made myself believe that they’re real. I would have written the point out immediately or walked through it in speaking self-forgiveness out loud. So this is actually the specific point that I’ve not yet walked through as well as the point I’ve been postponing, that actual commitment to walk through the points that emerge immediately. And I’ve done it with ‘minor’ reactions and thoughts that weren’t as possessive but then there are certain points where I’ve ‘fallen in’ – such as this point with: “It’s too much.”, “I’m not good enough.” And “I can’t handle it.”

So I will here walk self-forgiveness on this specific point where I’ve fallen in my commitment to stop suppressing emotions and thoughts and I will continue with the specific thoughts through which I triggered the suppression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see that I’m changing inside myself where I go from being fine, here, present with and within myself to ’suddenly/unexpectedly’ being emotional and/or feeling physically changed, like feeling ‘heavy’ or ‘low’ or ‘tired’ not stop immediately in that moment and look at the thoughts I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as and react to.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that once I get to the state of physically and emotionally reacting, it is because I’ve already engaged in a thought process where I’ve accepted the thoughts as real and as really showing me the reality of myself/the world/others and have accepted and allowed myself to become consumed by these thoughts

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore and deny my responsibility of directing the thoughts that come up within my mind immediately and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to instead suppress the thoughts and brush them away as though ignoring them will make them go away

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the thoughts that come up within my mind, because I fear that they are real – not seeing, realizing or understanding that already within fearing thoughts, I’ve not only given them more and more power than me here as the directive principle – but I’ve in fact already accepted them as real, while at the same time denying them, thus creating a state of fear and suppression within myself where I fear that which I believe to be real, without even investigating whether or not it is real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I fear the thoughts that come up within me – what I fear is that they’re real, which indicates that I’ve already accepted them as real and as such the fear indicates nothing but the fact that I’ve accepted the thoughts as real – not that they are real – and then the more I fear that they’re real, the more I make them real for and within myself – to the point where I’d actually start living according to these thoughts and as such manifest the thoughts for myself as a reality – not seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s a decision that I’ve made myself through accepting the thoughts as real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear indicates a point that I’ve abdicated self-responsibility and self-direction over/of/as and that’s it – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to instead believe and accept that the fear indicates that what I’m looking at is real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not establish a self-directive will to stop participating in thoughts and to stop accepting thoughts as real and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accumulate myself through my participation in thoughts into and as a state of emotional possession and suppression instead of simply taking myself by the hand and walking through the thoughts that come up in self-honesty and common sense based on understanding the nature of thoughts as indicative of that which I’ve accepted myself as – not as what is real in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because thoughts come up inside that which I perceive to be my head and my body, then they must be me and thus they must be real as I’ve defined myself as real only within and as the consciousness of my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated and co-dependent relationship with the thoughts that come up within me where I without question accept the thoughts as indicative of what is real and at the same time suppress them and abdicate all self-direction and responsibility over/for/as them – thus leaving myself entirely in the fictive hands of the mind, letting the mind be the directive principle for me instead of me being the directive principle for/of/as myself – which means that I’ve left myself in the hands of a system of delusions and illusions that exist for no other purposes than to maintain it’s own illusional survival that I then cater to and serve through accepting and allowing my body and thus myself to be the vessel through which the mind can exist in its illusions – as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with thoughts, where, because I fear the thoughts that come up within me, I’ve accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to them, leaving suppression as the only way I can manifest an illusion of control within and as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I fear the thoughts that come up within and as me, what I am actually fearing is myself because I am the origin of the thoughts that come up, as that which I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as – however delusional and illusional it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use tiredness as the ‘last resort’ to suppress myself where I convince myself that what I’m experiencing as tiredness and sleepiness is a physical experience when in fact I know and understand that this is a tactic of the mind that I’ve used to postpone and prevent myself from looking at points that come up in the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not direct thoughts immediately as they come up in my mind and instead ‘wait them out’ through convincing myself that they will go away if I just ignore them long enough or that something will suddenly come along and change me for me so that I don’t have to change myself or face myself or take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every thought that I don’t direct, will linger and build and accumulates and becomes energetically charged until it manifests as an emotional and physical possession where I live it out in physical reality often with unnecessary and unwanted consequences for myself and/or others

So when and as I see a specific thought coming up in my mind, I stop and I breath and I push myself to direct the thought immediately, through seeing it and letting it go and if it is a repetitive thought I commit myself to investigate it and when and as I see that I’m reacting to the thoughts that are coming up in my mind, I stop and I breathe and I recommit myself here in my physical body to direct the reaction through breathing, speaking self-forgiveness out loud and/or writing out the point that I am facing.

I commit myself to stop allowing reactions to thoughts to linger and fest and accumulate within and as myself and to instead push myself to look at the thoughts and reactions that are coming up in self-honesty and clarity because I have now seen, realized and understood at least a part of the difference of what happens when I do direct the thought and when I don’t, When I don’t direct it, I lose grounding with/within/as myself and I start suppressing myself – because the thought and reaction has to go somewhere – it cannot go away – because it’s literally me calling to myself and the consequence of me suppressing myself is that I go into patterns of depression and self-abuse and sabotage where I’ll do anything and everything to get away from this one thought. And when I let it linger enough, I even forget what the original thought was that I tried running away from which means I go into a deeper and deeper state of delusion that of course makes it more difficult to stand up and be self-honesty. However when I do direct the thought and the reaction, it is like a weight being lifted from my shoulders or a dark cloud evaporating – I can breathe again, I am here, I am clear and the consequence is that I can be effective within what I do during the day, I can consider myself and others and I can see clearly and this makes it even easier to face the next point that emerges. I’ve got my grounding back.

So therefore – I commit myself to work through and walk through the dependency relationship I’ve created towards suppressing myself and I commit myself to be patient and diligent with myself because I understand that this is a pattern I’ve participated within practically all my life and as I’ve seen from last time I wrote the previous blog-post, it’s a point I’ve ‘stuck to’ quite extensively and therefore I see, realize and understand that it will take diligence, discipline and consistent pushing to walk through.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to use tiredness as an excuse to not face myself – I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am busy unfolding the suppression loop – and instead of then trying to force myself to sit down and write, I push myself to get up, walk around, speak self-forgiveness out loud, breathe deeply – whatever works, until I’ve cleared the tiredness and I can direct myself to sit down and write. And then I commit myself to be here with myself and support myself through understanding that resistance is not a permanent or fixed experience – it is an energetic experience that I’ve manipulated myself into experiencing and even though I experience it physically in my body due to the nature of the interconnectedness between the mind and the body, I remind myself that it is not an actual real physical experience because that would be something like not having any arms or a mouth where I literally could not write – which is obviously not the case. Everything is physically working fine – so therefore it’s a mental disorder and something I can change and that I don’t have to experience.

I will continue in the next post.

Suggested blog posts to read as expansion on the points I’ve walked here

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