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In this blog post I am going to deviate a little from the relationship series and write about a specific point I’ve been facing. It has to do with positivity. See – I’ve had these roller coaster rides of going into ‘up’s’ and ‘down’s. Recently I’ve been experiencing depression and then a couple of days ago I started to levitate towards neutrality and eventually I went into positivity. Now the thing with positivity is that it feeeeeels soooo good. It is kind of like falling in love where you experience it as though the world suddenly opened itself to you and you can do anything and be anything and everything looks bright and crisp. Whatever I am faced with when I am ‘at the peak’ is like: “Man I can do this, I can take care of anything!” It reminds me of how I as a kid wanted to stay awake so bad and when I had the opportunity to stay up longer I would try to stay awake as long as I could and at first I got an adrenaline kick after I pushed the tiredness away and thought: “Hell, I can stay awake all night!” And then after some hours I would simply crash no matter how hard I tried to stay awake. And it is the same with positivity in general. It feels so good but it never last. I’ve tried. And as we’ve probably all have experienced, the higher up we go, the more hard we crash.

And something important to also consider is that it is not a solution. Because what has happened for me is that I’ve used the energy to determine how to apply myself in process – so if I’ve got low energy I’ll do less and if I’ve got more energy I’ll do more – and similarly I’ll define myself as ‘capable’ and ‘able’ when I’m ‘on the peak’ while defining myself as ‘incapable’ and ‘unable’ when I’m in the ‘down low’. The consequence of aligning oneself with energy in this way is obviously that one will be entirely inconsistent in one’s daily living – even in a day alone, because it will be the ‘up’s’ and ‘down’s’ that determine who you are in every moment. And the ‘up’s’ and ‘down’s’ are on the other hand determined by what? By preprogrammed energetic ‘laws’ within the mind that we’ve got absolutely no control or direction over or of because we’ve already submitted and subjected ourselves to the mind as an authority. As such we ‘respond’ to external inputs through filtering these through our mind-consciousness-system and then go into reactions and circle around the energetic rollercoaster while we’ve got absolutely no direction over ourselves. This is obviously not a way to live, even if we are able to ‘function’ and ‘contain’ ourselves in a somewhat civilized way.

And the worst part is that when I’m on the ‘down low’ I believe that what I’m seeing and experiencing is reality and when I’m in the positive it feels like coming up for air from having been drowning and for a moment I think and believe that I’m finally ‘above water’ but then I just can’t stay afloat and eventually I start plunging into the water again. So in my next post I will walk a process of self-forgiveness on this specific point in relation to positivity so that I can get off the roller coaster and apply myself for real – really becoming able and capable and change the points for real where I actually are not able or capable. Until then.

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