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In this blog post we are continuing to go further down the rabbit hole into the experience of feeling ridiculed and laughed at and how I had defined myself according to that experience, as small inferior and stupid.

This post is in continuation to the following posts:

Now – this is not something that I explicitly have experienced in the context of my current relationships. It is more like a residue of this experience remains but also that I fear this experience and try to prevent it by inflating myself instead in for example becoming angry at the person that laughs. That has never worked by the way – in most cases the person would just laugh even harder and I’d feel more and more panicky inside myself and would thus exert more and more anger to try and contain the situation without success.

So – this is an experience that pertains to specific memories from when I was a child. The memories are rather vague though in their imagery, however I do remember the experiences I felt. Actually I do remember a specific moment now that I look at it. I had brought my teddy bear to school, so I can’t have been in a very high grade, maybe 1. Or 2. Grade. Now the school I went to was integrated, so we were mixed ages. A much older boy (which I remember as though he was an adult, how intense did I experience the age difference) took my teddy bear and teased me with not giving it back to me and eventually he hung it up in a neuse and pretended to kill it. Now – I’d created an attachment to and a dependency on that teddy bear, so I was absolutely mortified. But now that I revisit the memory, I can see the same scenario playing out as I mentioned in the previous blog post – where there was a moment of hesitation before I reacted and then I made the decision to react and it was from there that the reaction became my reality. So for instance, I’ve carried this memory as blame towards that boy – but really in physical reality, a boy hung a toy teddy bear from the ceiling. I certainly do not experience it like that – lol.

So when I look at the experience of feeling inferior and stupid, there is actually an experience underneath of blame and self-victimization and underneath that an experience of self-righteousness and gloating. Now what is fascinating about this is that I went from being a vulnerable, innocent, small child exposed to the cruel lies and teasing of older kids to being self-responsible for my own reaction in this moment. There’s a tremendous difference between these two beings. And I even remember stories other people have told me about similar experiences where someone was mean to them when they were children, that I’d equally use to feed off of, where I’d feel so sad when I think about that little boy or girl getting teased. A point to clarify here though is that this doesn’t mean that malevolent teasing doesn’t exist nor that it is acceptable to deliberately mock others – it is most certainly not. However on the side of the ‘victim’ of the teasing, we are also self-responsible for how we react. Because within taking the teasing ‘to heart’ – we’re basically in that moment giving the mind the steering wheel over and as us and letting the mind define who we are and how we should experience ourselves. And what does the mind then do? Create an entire drama out of the situation – not to mention where we’d diminish and judge ourselves.

An example is in this memory how I’d created a mind-based relationship to my teddy bear, where I’d projected my own self-comfortability and self-support onto the teddy bear and inadvertently this boy actually brought that relationship to the surface through threatening to ‘kill’ my teddy bear. Now I could have in that moment let go of my relationship to the teddy bear and laughed it off – I had that opportunity – but instead I went in the opposite direction and solidified my relationship to the teddy bear even further and blamed it on the boy – which I would have still be doing had it not been for Desteni.

So – this shows the importance of self-honesty. If we’re not specifically and directly pushing ourselves to see our own responsibility in our lives, it is so easy to live on a lie and to blame other people. And then we never actually get to a point of being able to change the patterns within which we live – because we can’t change something that we don’t understand and that we don’t stand responsible for.

In my next post I will commence with self-forgiveness.

Thanks for walking-with.

Art by Andrew Gable.

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