In this blog we’re continuing looking at the pattern I described in the previous blogs on how I’d react with an intense energetic experience in situations where I’d experience and perceive another human being as doing something that is principally unacceptable (such as pulling the legs off a spider) and where I’d experience that I have to stand up to the person and then the reaction comes when or if they don’t follow my instructions through which I’d perceive them as disregarding what I’m saying deliberately and from there I’d go into a state of panic and desperation and now also a form of rage and blame and anger projected towards the other person. But in my childhood, in the original memory with the spiders, I did not experience an extensive energetic experience of anger – I do remember being angry – but it is more like the anger responses I’ve stepped into later in life are more responses to that first memory where I didn’t’ do anything. What’s interesting is that I’ve been experiencing resistance to writing this point out and I see that it’s because there’s a positive self-definition of self-righteousness that I’ve held onto in terms of seeing myself as a hero only wanting to do good. What I had not faced was the origin point behind the memory which was facing myself as pure evil, as deliberate cruelty and disregard that I then saw reflected in the boys pulling the legs off the spiders. So in yesterday’s blog I realized that the pattern is originated in the following two points:
1) I get angry because I am confronted with my own evil and then push it away in another – try and suppress it in another, because that’s what I’ve done in myself
2) I get angry because I feel powerless and desperate towards directing the situation that I see is unacceptable based on the original memory of giving up and giving in when faced with the boys in how I took the situation personally and went into fear and survival mode
So these are the points I will be releasing and standing up from and within through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and I will bring them back to my current life in terms of practically scripting a solution for myself as a corrective application of change.
For context, here are the previous blog posts in the series:
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist writing out this point because I did not want to let go of my self-definition I’ve created of myself as being a hero and as being self-righteous in my anger in how I’ve perceived myself as justified in getting angry if another does something that I see is unacceptable, when in fact what I did within and as that was to justify blame towards another and as such I resisted admitted that I am actually responsible for the situation in how I react to my interpretation of the other person’s actions because I see myself in them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and perceive myself as righteous in getting angry at another that I perceive as having done something unacceptable and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify blaming another and thus abdicating my own self-responsibility for creating the situation in projecting blame onto another and thus hold them responsible
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see what I perceive to be another doing something principally unacceptable to become angry and to justify my reaction on anger through blaming the other person instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my reaction of anger has nothing to do with the other person but it is a reaction I’m manifesting through reflecting myself back to myself through my interpretation of the other person
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my true nature behind moral righteousness and justification and blame through which I’ve used another as a scapegoat to separate myself from the evil inside and as me and to suppress the evil inside and as me, through suppressing it inside another
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being tainted with malevolence if, when and as I perceive another to be acting in a way that is compromised or corrupted, just like I did with the spiders as a child, where I for a slight moment felt tempted to pull the legs of the spiders and was scared with what I saw in and as myself as I clearly saw that it was wrong and so I blamed and judged the boys for being a bad influence and believed I had to stop them and within that created a positive hero-type character instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the evil I feared being tainted by is already within me and has already corrupted me to the core – which is ironically why I pushed it away in another because I refused to face myself as that evil – specifically because I feared the consequences of admitting that evil to and as myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I was told by adults to say I was sorry, to develop a split inside myself – a double split – where I split the side of myself that I showed others where I pretended that I was sorry even though I was really not just to not get into trouble while I actually did not care and as such also split myself inside myself as I realized that I did not care and since everyone else was talking about being sorry, I started blaming myself and judging myself for not caring through which I formulated a second split where I hid the point of not actually caring from myself and instead immersed myself in the caring personality as I saw in precise calculated clarity that life would be easier if I played nice – but knowing that my core was corrupted fucked me up because it was like a dark inner secret that no one could ever know about since I perceived everyone else as ‘good people’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship to the expression of anger and rage based on having seen adults expressing anger and rage in situations in order to direct the situation where I’ve deliberately manifested an energetic experience of anger in an attempt to direct a situation if or when I perceive another as being obstructive towards the direction given – but within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that because my initial starting-point is fear and the memory of when I was a child and gave up because I feared the boys and wanted them to be my friends and not my enemies, I had already conditioned myself to not stand in the face of abuse or unacceptable behavior
(In my next post, I’ll continue with self-corrective statements)
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