In this blog post I will begin walking the self-forgiveness on the memory that I wrote out yesterday about the situation with the boys picking the legs of the spiders and me experiencing myself confronted by them and then caving in and not standing up. I’ll also investigate the memory further. I’ve looked further at this point today in trying to see if I could see more memories where I’d experienced this same experience, but the only other memory that popped up was one from when I was around 18 when a boy called another girl a whore and I completely went off on him in a fit of rage and desperation. And so it is quite similar to how I often experience myself now, where I go into a full-on state of panic if I experience and perceive that another is not listening to me if I share something with them that is principled and important or that they laugh – basically it is if I experience and perceive that they deliberately disregard what I’m saying and I can’t do anything about it and therefore a point/being or myself will be compromised because of it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw the boys taking the legs of the spiders to experience fear that the spiders were in pain and therefore experienced urgency within myself in terms of getting the boys to stop pulling the legs of the spiders, but where I took it personally and made it more about ME being the one who had to get them to stop and THEY being the ones who did not stop instead of focusing on the fact that it is not cool to pull the legs off of spiders no matter what.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, based on this spider incident where I clearly saw that I had to stand up but where I felt I couldn’t create a distrust and doubt towards myself where, whenever I have been faced with a similar situation it was like I was energetically back in the spider situation and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a counter tactic of going into a state of rage and blame towards the other that I then act out to at least feel better about myself in having done something, as though this rage and anger is the same as standing up to abuse when in fact it is not – but that’s the suppressed anger I experienced towards the boys pulling legs of spiders
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel tempted and to experience a desire to pull the legs of the spiders and within this recoil within myself in being facing with my own indifferent cruelty as I realized that pulling the legs off of spiders had absolutely no purpose and as such the fear I experienced was towards myself as I saw myself in the boys and I saw a part of myself that I did not like and I judged myself as that point and I feared it and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own fear of myself and my own judgment of myself onto others – and as such in that moment separate myself from myself as the source and origin of my experience and blame it onto another and so abdicate self-responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject myself and refuse to face myself as the point of pointless deliberate cruelty as I saw in the boys and experienced a slight desire towards participating in and I forgive myself that I then accepted and allowed myself to create a moral righteousness inside myself as a buffer to the pointless cruelty of then feeling appalled and angry at the abuse I saw, when that in fact really actually was a separation tactic in terms of using the judgment to separate myself from the abuse and from myself as an abuser
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an automated state of panic when I perceive that another is deliberately disregarding the common sense I am showing them to stop abuse actually because I fear that if they don’t stop, I might not be able to stop myself and then I will participate in what they’re doing and I can clearly see that it’s abusive and since I’ve judged that as bad, I instead push it away and thus push the abuser away if they don’t immediately correct themselves according to the instructions I’ve given them of correction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards writing out in self-forgiveness that I am not a victim of foul play or a victim at all and to admit that I might not be righteous because I’ve had such a positive self-definition based on this pattern because I was the one who wanted to save the spiders, I was feeling for the spiders = I am good.
I realize just now that this spider memory might actually be in connection to another memory. Because one time I hit a younger child and I’m quite sure it was before the spider point. I hit her for absolutely no good reason; I think she did not do as I wanted her to in a play or something. So I hit her and she started to cry. Then I deliberately made fun to get her to laugh and stop crying and to under no circumstances tell the adults on me. That was the only point I saw. I feared being told off by the adults. I knew it was wrong according to what the adults say, but I experienced absolutely no real remorse. And so what I see now is that perhaps the spider memory had something to do with this. Another memory from kindergarten is where I was jealous at my friend because he had food I liked, he had yoghurt and I only had bread with herbs, so I took some of my herbs and put it in his yoghurt as revenge – I think after I’d asked if I could have his yoghurt and he said no – and so he started to cry and the adults yelled at me and put me outside the door. It was the one of only two times I experienced being put outside the door and I remember that I was absolutely shocked and thought it was very unfair.
What I mean to say is that what these three memories have in common is something about the development of morality and what is okay and what is not okay. And I see how I reacted to my own doings in those two memories, where I experienced guilt and shame for what I had done. And so in the spider memory I was faced with the true nature of who I’d been in the other memories of not caring about another. So there are actually several dimensions of the point.
To assist and support myself in being specific, I’ll write them out here:
1) I reacted to the boys pulling the legs of the spiders because I within that was facing a part of myself that I was pushing away and did not want to face myself as
2) I experienced fear of standing up to the boys in reacting to them and fearing them in how I perceived them as indifferent
In my next post I will continue with self-forgiveness statements on these specific points in the memory and then also continue with bringing these points back up to the experiences I’m having today.
Thanks for walking with!