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I’m going to make a full stop here for a moment and pause the blog series on the Awkward around boys pattern because there are a couple of other pressing points that have emerged and that requires my quite immediate direction, which someone assisted me to see today. See – the whole reason why I wanted to walk this relationship series is because of the daily reactions I experience through being in a relationship especially within seeing so many past experiences coming to the surface. The point of feeling awkward around boys is a prominent point which is why I decided to write about it, but it is not one of the points that is charged with the most energy and through which I go into reactions of fear and anger/desperation which is why I am going to stop and change direction for the time being. The reason for this is because it has become evident to me that my physical body is taking major heat from me accepting and allowing myself to go into emotional reactions. I discovered this last week after I had been sick with the flue for about a week. I had a discussion with my partner where I became quite emotional and in that I could feel the fever kicking in and my body becoming weak. So I sat down with myself and made a decision to assist and support myself to stop these emotional possessions.

In these blogs I will be walking a little bit different structure in terms of writing the points out because at the moment I require disengaging from and discharging the emotional energetic reactions that is connected to certain experiences and memories. After that I can then slow the process down and write out the more in-depth dimensions of each point. But for now I will walk each memory one by one. There is by the way a small collection of these memory-triggers that rotates so it is quite straight-forward in terms of beginning the process of letting go. What I’ve identified so far as the most prevalent is an experience towards boys/men of them being very cold and indifferent ranging on spiteful/psychopathic and specific situations where I was sure and certain of my own stance but felt pushed by how these males were expressing themselves. One of these particular points of memory is boys laughing at me. But I will work with that as a separate memory.

So let’s see. The first prominent memory is from when I was in kindergarten and I saw two or three boys pulling legs off of spiders. I actually realize now that I’ve written self-forgiveness on this memory before, but I see that I did not include all the dimensions and specifically not the dimension I’ll be working with here. So I saw them pulling the legs of the spiders and I saw within myself how absolutely cruel and stupid that was and how I did not want to be that spider and I felt bad for the spider and considered how it must feel having its leg being pulled off. And I remember that they shrugged and I felt they ganged up on me by their sheer number. I don’t remember their exact words but I interpreted it and reacted in such a way that there was nothing I could do about the situation and I left. I might have – but I don’t recall if I did – threaten them by telling on them and if so then I certainly caved to threats because it was more important that they would still like me and ‘respect’ me as peers than to actually stand up for a living creature being tortured and mauled. And so what I’ve realized is that this entire point ties completely together with my experience of lack of self-integrity as well as fear of standing up in situations where I require standing up.

But the specific point I am going after here is the moment where I stand up for something and am faced with the boys that are indifferent and somewhat hostile and insist on continuing doing what they’re doing. I see now that I could have done more for the spiders. I can see that this point pertains to me giving up my self-integrity, even before I had developed it. I see how I gave up because they were more than me, they didn’t care and I was afraid they would hurt me. So I sacrificed the spiders to save my own ass. Anyways – so when I am now faced with situations where I perceive and experience myself to be standing up for something and I perceive my partner as not caring or being hostile or indifferent – that’s when I experience a melt-down in my mind. It is actually like I am ‘finally standing up for the spiders’ but with 30 years overdue and a hell-of-a-lot of energy that is entirely disproportionate with the actual situation I am facing. And to be clear: none of this pertains to what my partner is doing or not doing or why because in this context at the moment it is not at all relevant. What is however relevant is my perceptions and interpretations and taking points personally. It is interesting because this point completely correlates to what I wrote about the Awkward around boys point because in that the trigger point is also seeing the boy as indifferent when I come with my expression to him. And so I see how it has to do with the fact that I’ve made myself dependent upon the response of the other. But with the spider point and with the points I experience these days, it is an experience of panic and desperation because I feel I can’t do anything about it. I see something that’s required to be done but I can’t force the other to do it or to see things my way. And it is in this moment I trigger this intense emotional experience. It almost feels like a screechy high pitched noise that penetrates my entire body. And then what is even more is a point of blame towards the other person because ‘they’re not listening, they’re being unfair, they’re apparently creating my experience of myself, they’re evil because they refuse to listen to reason’ and so all in all I’ve completely separated myself from myself as the starting-point of my own experience and all I can think of is: “I must get through to them… but I can’t! But I must…..”

I don’t recall any other memories besides the spider memory at the moment, so in my next post I will continue with walking the self-forgiveness on this memory and its energetic charges.

Thanks for reading.

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