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I am here continuing with the relationship series that I started walking on YouTube and here on the blog on DAY 176 , though instead of jumping straight to self-forgiveness based on this first writing, I will be walking the point in greater detail through slowing myself down in writing out the exact dimensions of what I’ve identified as the ‘Awkward around boys’ character. It is not necessarily a character as such as a personality I’ve lived out, it is more a specific pattern pertaining to a character and personalities of how I’ve related myself to boys, so I’d say that it is more like the branch of a tree where the tree is the relationship character. Though through identifying this pattern and giving it a name I make it comprehendible for myself and also contextualize and ground the specific pattern.

So – I will in this blog simply be laying out the time-line of dimensions in terms of identifying the following components:

1. Fear

2. Desire

3. Imagination (moving image form)

4. Thought (single image form)

5. Backchat (inner conversations)

6. Reactions (emotions and feelings)

7. Physical dimension (how it affected my physical body to participate in the pattern, but also how I acted physically when I am in and as the pattern)

8. Consequence (how does it affect me/my life/others that I’ve been living in/as this pattern

What is cool in utilizing this structure is that one can basically write out the dimensions in the order that one decides upon but this is a cool way of making sure that one bring through and identify all the dimensions of a certain particular point. For me this has often meant that my blogs would become extended over many blog posts and that is fine, but here I’ll also work with being specific as I write my self-forgiveness statements and self-corrective statements so that I don’t ‘over write’ the point unnecessarily.

Alright – so for me this has until now been a pretty easy point to identify. As I mentioned in my video and in the first blog post, it emerged as an experience towards my partner. After that I sourced it back to my teenage years and also back to kindergarten. I also discovered that the point has to do somewhat with my expression towards boys of being excited and then I’d initially launch towards them and when I then experienced them being passive or retracting, that’s the moment where I created this pattern through taking it personally. So there I’ve laid out the time-line quite nicely. However let’s continue with digging deeper into each dimension.

1) Fear: Immediately as I look within myself at the point of fear in relation to this point, I experience a sharp and intense pain in my solar plexus. So that indicates to me that this point is quite surfaced in how easy it is for me to access it and I got the point. So what I fear is that they’ll reject me/push me away/ignore me and I see how this fear developed over the years from being about the physical response to being about an emotional drama. So actually the awkwardness is an after-math that I experienced after I’d felt rejected but then it simply became how I expected to feel myself.

2) Desire: There’s a hope in this desire that the boy will open his arms and embrace me and also a desire to ‘connect’ and ‘interconnect’ with the boy physically. I see that I require expanding more on this in blogs to come, because it is still somewhat undefined within me in an experience almost of wanting to melt together.

3) Imagination: Imagining me coming towards the boy all full of joy and jumping in his arms and he meets me in an equal expression of joy and opens his arms and embraces me. Or it could also simply be him speaking to me – the most important point is how he meets me in an equal expression. And then the negative imagination is the fear imagination where I fear that he’s simply ignore me or reject me

4) Thought: I see an image of a boy turning his head away like deliberately ignoring me.

5) Backchat: “But what if he rejects me”

“Oh my god he is SO gorgeous”

“Oh my god he’s the coolest boy I’ve ever met”

“Oh my god, I think I love him”

“He probably doesn’t like me”

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

“Oh my god I am so scared of talking to him”

“Oh man!!! I am such an idiot! I feel so awkward”

“Why can’t I just be normal???”

“Act normal, act normal!!”

“Act cool, act cool!!”

“I feel so small”

“Nobody will ever like me”

“I’m a loser”

“Maybe if I was more like her…”

“Maybe if I was different…”

“Maybe I should change so he will like me?”

“What have I done wrong???”

6) Reactions: nervous, apathetic, anxious, panicking, excited, hopeless, feeling inferior, feeling the boy is some kind of superpower god-type creature, self-judgment, blame and self-blame

7) Physical responses: Feeling like my body is some very odd form with long limbs, especially feet and head. Pulling my chest back and my shoulders up, eye brows down, feet inverted, shaking, unable to eat, shortness of breath, staring eyes, feeling out of my boy, like I’m only present in my head and it feels big and wamr

8) Consequences: The consequences is that I inferiorize myself to the boy because of this pattern and within that also makes myself compromised in how I’ve placed the boy on a pedestal where I’m willing to do anything for him to get him to like me. Another consequence is that I don’t actually see the boy or the context or where he’s coming from. All I’m seeing is my own reaction to my own interpretation through taking a situation personally which means that I made everything about me and thus ‘lose touch’ with reality.

So – with that established, I will in my next blog post continue with writing self-forgiveness on the point of fear.

Thanks for walking-with.

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