A couple of days ago I posted a blog about shame. The day after I wrote about the doubt I’ve been experiencing after posting that first blog. Now yesterday a point was brought to my attention with regards to how it has been found that when you announce your goals you are less likely to achieve them because you’d then already experienced a sense of achievement. As such it has been suggested to keep one’s goals to oneself until one is certain that one stands within living out these goals and can then share the process one has walked so others may find assistance and support through that. Now – I’ve done this when I stopped smoking, deliberately also so as to not involve anyone else in my decision and to make sure that I simply walk the point by myself. This I found was very effective and I recommend it to anyone who is standing in the process of making such decisions of setting a goal or making a change in one’s life; to if/as it is practical walk the point of change firstly with oneself. Why I am saying “if/as it is practical” is because there can/could be situations where one for whatever reason would require involving others and so it is merely to suggest that it is not a point set in stone. Obviously one has to consider it in context to one’s life in general and the circumstances one is facing.
Right before I posted this blog about shame the other day, I was hesitant towards pushing the ‘upload’ button and I considered whether it had perhaps been best to walk the point with myself alone. I decided to publish the blog from amongst other points a starting-point of wanting to ‘come forward’ and as I was writing the blog I even thought about this point that has come up several times, the ‘need’ to confess. And so what is confession really? This is what I’ve understood so far: Catholics go to church to confess their sins and are ‘punished’ with having to say Hail Mary fifty times or something. Then they’re cleansed of their sins and can go out with ‘good conscience’. But the odds are that most of them commit sin again and as such the confession was absolutely redundant and even took part in allowing the person to keep sinning because it tacitly endorsed it. In this post on a website called ‘Catholic online‘ the purpose with confession is described:
“Be truly sorry for your sins. The essential act of Penance, on the part of the penitent, is contrition, a clear and decisive rejection of the sin committed, together with a resolution not to commit it again, out of the love one has for God and which is reborn with repentance. The resolution to avoid committing these sins in the future (amendment) is a sure sign that your sorrow is genuine and authentic. This does not mean that a promise never to fall again into sin is necessary. A resolution to try to avoid the near occasions of sin suffices for true repentance. God’s grace in cooperation with the intention to rectify your life will give you the strength to resist and overcome temptation in the future.”
See? It doesn’t make any sense. Because if god is the one that has created you, he has created sin or has made the decision that some actions are sinful. So why do you then need to go to god for forgiveness? How can sin and forgiveness exist simultaneously? What I’ve seen is that confession means that one is in separation from the actual point one is apparently confessing about. Because one is confessing so that god can forgive one for one’s sins, which would place one in a position of inferiority to god as though one is unable to judge one’s own actions and change oneself according to what is best and what is not best. This actually correlates quite well with how I experienced doubt after having posted the blog on shame in how I was waiting for ‘confirmation’ almost as whether I would be forgiven or not. But as we know: there is no forgiveness but self-forgiveness. Just like people don’t change after going to confession in church. It doesn’t work because they did not stand as the starting-point of their own actions in understanding in full detail why they did what they did and as such in taking self-responsibility enabling themselves to in fact change. So this is no different if I write a confession in my blogs. And I saw that I had had this starting-point of proving myself and forcing myself through to the point of shame. I’ve spent days trying to figure out why I don’t feel real shame and I simply have not been able to force it through my body. And what I’ve come to see is: It is what it is. Meaning, what is here is what is here. So I don’t encompass a profound change through which I bring forth change. That is certainly fucked up. I can see that. At least I can see that.
So as I wrote in the blog about shame, the shame point is for me a point of return to the darkness of myself, a form of reset in determining where I stand, how I stand and who I stand as. I considered taking the blog down again, considering how it was not completely clear to me as something I had walked with myself before sharing it. But I decided to leave it up and to instead now share what I’ve faced and walked since posting the blog. And I will return to myself and walking the points with myself and come and share when appropriate to do so here. So what I mean to say is that it is not so that what I posted was ‘wrong’. I simply see that I require being more attentive towards which writings I publish and which I don’t, so that I make sure that what I do post is assisting for me and for others. And I see that I also require walking this point of confession in more detail as well as keep investigating the point of shame. As I walk the relationship series, I might share some of these writings as well as I walk through the points. So in my next blog post I will begin walking self-forgiveness on the relationship point of feeling awkward around boys that I started writing out on DAY 176
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