So after I had posted my blog yesterday I’ve actually been quite sick with the flue that has intensified over the last few days. But today it flared up completely, so today I’ve been quite immobile. After I had posted the blog yesterday and I woke up this morning in my haze of snot and fever I started doubting myself – a lot. So what I’ve seen is a pattern where if I write and publish blogs or vlogs or in any way utter myself in a way where I’m ‘sticking my neck out’ I’ll be nervous until I perceive myself as getting a certain sign of approval from certain beings in my reality. It is quite a neurotic thing in fact and I was assisted to see this through listening to an Eqafe interview where a being came through and described their experience with never feeling like they’re doing enough. So I can relate to what was shared in that interview in how I won’t simply stand by myself at a point of realization but will await confirmation and until I get that confirmation I will doubt myself or even discourage myself from standing as the point I had seen and stood by when I first walked the point. And obviously that point of confirmation is entirely imaginary – I’ve written about it before – and sometimes I won’t get ‘the sign’ anyways which means that I then define myself according to NOT having gotten the confirmation and will interpret this as a ‘bad sign’.
So with my blog yesterday, I was aware that I was sticking my neck out and throughout writing the blog I had some experiences of fear and doubts towards whether I should upload the blog or not. And what I see is several points. 1) I did not stand in absolute certainty within what I was writing because otherwise I would not have doubted myself or required confirmation from outside myself. In this I see that there were points in my writing that I was not being absolutely self-honest and diligent about as I wrote it out. 2) When I actually stick my neck out I experience fear because I don’t usually stick my neck out. I usually write my blogs quite within an already laid out schematics of what I’ll be walking and might I say, not as direct or self-honest as the potential is within writing in the moment based on what is here. The confirmation I was looking from outside myself in separation from myself was both the confirmation I did not give to myself and the awareness of how what I’d written could not be confirmed in fact. So the specific point I am faced with/facing myself as here is the point of trusting myself or rather developing self-trust in self-honesty. I will in my next blog continue with the relationship series that I’ve started walking and will keep this point emergent of developing self-trust in self-honesty in my writings. So here simply a note to self. Now I’ll go back to blowing my nose.
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