Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, child-abuse, Crawling in my skin, Desteni, Embrace (English band), Environment, Experience, Forgiveness, Pledge Allegience, Speed of Light, Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character
In this post I am continuing with the mind-movement character where I am writing out self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness statements that I walked on DAY 164 and DAY 165. As a side-note since I’ve not been writing on this character for some days, I can mention that I’ve started more effectively pushing through it in terms of not moving myself away or allowing myself to be impulsed by the experiences and thoughts that come up within me.
For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:
- Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166
- Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165
- Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164
- Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163
- Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
- CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
- Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
- The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159
SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS
Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame my environment for my experience of myself as I react to my environment through which I believe that solution to stop my experience is to move myself away physically – I stop and I breathe and I remain here.
Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming the physical environment for creating my experience of myself within concluding for example that when conflict is happening outside me (for example in hearing my mother and father fighting and slamming doors and crying) it is also happening inside myself or that the outside influence is creating my inside experience and therefore that I must move myself physically away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that unless I am in danger, the ‘problem’ is not in my physical environment and can therefore not be solved with me moving myself away physically but only through me actually facing myself and embracing myself inside myself, realizing that I’ve reacted through internalizing what was happening in my environment. Obviously I also see, realize and understand that it might be best to move oneself in certain situations simply as a bridge to assist oneself in not reacting (like from conflicts) but in the end if the problem is initiated inside myself, that is where I have to fix it. So therefore I commit myself to stop blaming my environment for creating experiences inside myself and as such I commit myself to stop looking outside myself for solutions to what I am experiencing inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak.
I see, realize and understand how I have created a relationship between facing something that is difficult or unpleasant and that which I have perceived to be the solution as moving myself away from that which is unpleasant or difficult – without seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve within this separated myself from myself through projecting my inner experiences outside myself, thus believing that if I move myself away externally the experience will go away. And so I commit myself to when and as I see that I am facing myself in a situation where I create an experience of inner discomfort, fear or feeling that the situation is unpleasant and I feel a strong urge to physically move myself away from whatever I am working with in the moment through which I triggered the experience – to stop and breathe. I commit myself to remind myself in those moments that it is not the point I am working on or the person I am speaking to that is creating discomfort within me. If I am working on my thesis and I come across something that is difficult, this is a practical point, but if I take that difficulty personally or react to it or fear it, then that indicating a relationship I’ve created towards the particular point I am faced with, which I can only change or deal with by changing myself and facing myself and not by physically moving myself away from the point (which I see now is actually a suppression tactic)
A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.
I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming my body and perceiving my body as a traitor to me, I’ve judged the body as useless and traitorous because I could not move myself with or out of my body as a child and therefore came to interpret the body as a prison or as a ‘somewhere’ in which I was trapped. In this – I see, realize and understand that I’ve separated myself from the body and then I’ve projected the responsibility for my own experience of myself onto the body as a ‘vessel’ separate from me – while all along I was doing it all to myself from the first moment I reacted to my environment by taking things personally and then separate myself inside myself. So I commit myself to reestablish myself here in and as my body. And I commit myself to establish a relationship with myself in and as the body of self-respect and dignity because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been punishing, abusing and exploiting the body as a form of punishment and abuse since I was a child. I commit myself to stop blaming the body for the experiences that come up within me. When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame the body or when I see I am experiencing irritation towards the body for a particular experience I have, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that this is a pattern of self-abuse and that I am not separate from my body. I commit myself to stop seeing the body as an enemy and as a prison that I am trapped inside, because I see, realize and understand that this is my own reaction to my experience of myself that I’ve projected onto the body. I see, realize and understand that real freedom can actually only come through bringing myself back to the physical and that it is the mind that is the prison I’ve created for/of/as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself
When and as I see that I am reacting to my environment, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that it is not the environment that is responsible for how I experience myself and that it is how I’ve defined and accepted myself in a relationship to the environment through which I am taking the influence personally. So I commit myself to take responsibility for the experience I accept and allow within and as myself as I see, realize and understand that it is my own responsibility to direct what I experience. As such I commit myself to develop stability and awareness and self-direction to stop reacting to my environment through stopping and through investigating the relationships I’ve created towards my environment in writing (an example is reacting to loud music or many people talking at once which is something I react intensely to). I see and understand that it is possible to breathe through any experience that comes up and so I commit myself to practice the point of breathing through the experiences that comes up within me so that I can realize this for a fact within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to want to escape this moment here – which I identify through tagging and flagging the experience of physical irritation and a feeling of ‘crawling inside my skin’ followed by a desire to either sleep, speak, watch TV or eat – I stop. I allow myself and I commit myself to breathe and simply be with myself for a moment there. Because I now realize see and understand that this is one of those moments that have become automated, where I react to what I experience inside myself, blame the body for it and then believe that I can get away from the experience if I move myself physically and alter/intervene with my physical experience for example through eating or sleeping. I also now see, realize and understand that the solution to stopping and directing the experiences that comes up within me, is in fact to remain in the body, rather than to run away from the body.
My beingness won’t get me anywhere
Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself
I see, realize and understand that I’ve been deliberately punishing and torturing my body my entire life and that I’ve been deliberately annihilating the body through and within believing and accepting that the body is at fault for all unpleasant experiences within me – while I have oddly enough never actually given the body credit for all the positive experiences (such as in sex). I see, realize and understand now that I’ve lived my entire life in this self-annihilation without ever realizing that the part of me that I was pushing away and attempting to suffocate and quiet was in fact the part of me through which grace and peace and freedom was possible. As such I see, realize and understand that I’ve lived completely in reverse as I’ve believed that the body was the prison and the mind was the key to freedom and I can clearly see how I am still living this today in that my allegiances is more with the mind than it is with my body. As such I commit myself to walk a process of changing my allegiances from the mind to the body. And I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk this process because I see how I’ve been loyal to the mind for a very long time and that it is going to take dedication and consistency to change my allegiance. I also see, realize and understand how one dimension of how I’ve been allegiant to the mind is because I misinterpreted the situation when I was a baby and I could not physically move myself. I realize that I blamed the body for my inability to move and in that moment I made the body my enemy while in fact I did not see how the actual point was within me reacting to and internalizing the environmental influences where I could have simply embraced it without fear or resistance and made the decision to stabilize myself inside myself. So I also see, realize and understand how I’ve lived this same moment over and over throughout the rest of my life, in every time I react, I turn to the mind and move myself in the mind while blame and ostracize the body because the experience is felt within and as the body. So – I commit myself to begin allowing myself to feel the experiences that come up within me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself
I commit myself to initiate a process of establishing stability, integrity and self-respect for myself in and as the physical body, through breathing and through begin making decisions according to what is best for my body and not what satisfies the mind’s ‘need for speed’.
I will continue in my next post with self-forgiveness.
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