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How is it that we as human beings can walk around being directed by and only moving ourselves according to the thoughts and experiences that come up through and within our minds? How is it that we unconditionally trust and believe that the internal conversations playing out in our heads is in fact ourselves and therefore that we should do whatever we say to ourselves in our minds? How many have not as I have, placed themselves in dangerous and compromising situations just because one was following one’s ‘instinct’ or ‘heart’ or ‘intuition’? In this blog post I review the last week and the experiences I’ve participated within and the writings I’ve walked on these experiences.

I am continuing from the following blog posts:

Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

Back to Breath (Day 21 of 21) Preventing Comfortable Numbness: DAY 153

If there is one thing the last week have taught me it is that the mind cannot be trusted. I have seen for myself after having given in and given up that who I am as the mind cannot be trusted to manage or steward me to live in such a way that I am best for myself or for anyone else. The primary ‘instigator’ is backchat, the myriad of voices in the head that one would perceive as ‘who I am’ and before that the permission one gives within oneself in that act of recognizing: ‘this is me’. Afterwards the emotions and the reactions come and lastly one’s entire body is taken over. I experience this as though I am floating inside myself and that I have no grounding or focus. Everything becomes blurry and hazy. So we talk back to ourselves and we say the nastiest things or I do and in the world of the backchat all that exists is one’s self talk and self-reflection but one is even within that one’s own worst enemy. It is like being a mad or dysfunctional child that has grown into adulthood but still exists in that mad fuzzy logic of childhood. In fact this is exactly what it is.

What I am referring to is for example the outrageous explanations we come up with in our minds as children or the excuses we make. It is exactly the same as we become adults, but we’ve created the delusion that there is such a thing as adulthood, of ‘coming of age’ but really we’re the same mad children we were all along, just now more dubious and deceptive because we’ve learned all the tricks from all the other kids on the playground or in the prison yard. There is no such thing as adulthood where one becomes rational and reasonable and that stands in stark contrast to who one was as a child as being ‘childish’ because little children are in fact, before they too get corrupted, the only reasonable people on the planet. So the backchat that one would experience and participate in in one’s mind can and should not be trusted. And if we won’t get that, we’ll show ourselves as I have now.

So the one thing I have seen as a grounding point through this carrousel ride is the fact that I am creating my own experiences and  that whoever I accept myself as is who I’ll be. So it is not because this apathetic self-pitying character is NOT me, like something I can just brush off through positive affirmation and then magically wake up one morning totally changed. Because this is basically what I’ve believed previously and I see also how I’ve been experiencing that I’ve ‘lost’ parts of myself like assertiveness and strength of being. But I also realize that it is simply because of who I’ve accepted myself as. And that simple fact – brings all the points I’ve been facing back to myself to personal responsibility.

Furthermore from here one can then place oneself into the context of why such characters and personalities are designed in the first place in terms of how we all share the same characters and personalities with ‘twists’ that makes it seem like we’re all unique and none of it is random but in fact very specific. And so this point with ‘conveniently’ forgetting that one is the creator and instigator of one’s own experiences is specifically designed to function in the grand scheme of things where we blame who we are on someone else and then claim that we have no say in who we are because we’re simply acting on ‘instinctual impulses’. But I am the creator, the instigator, the saboteur of myself and this can be clearly seen in how I was ‘with’ me all the step of the way into this mind-fuck as I was the one who thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, instigated and endorsed the backchat and the reactions.

Obviously I am also the creator of the backchat however this is to a large extent subconscious and automated in that the self-talk inside one’s mind simply ‘pops up’ seemingly from ‘out of nowhere’ and then where the first point is of making the decision to go further into a mind fuck is where one starts to talk back to one’s back chat whether one is agreeing or arguing with oneself or trying to suppress what comes up or even encourage it or react to it. So this is the obvious first point where one is able to stop and change one’s pathway. So within this I see that I might not be at a point of having slowed myself down to where I see the origin of the thoughts or know the starting-point of the automation of the backchat.

However I do see how I instigate the backchat and so that is the point where I decide to change myself first. Simply by not participating in the backchat that comes up in my mind I have changed the course of my day and have given myself room and breathing space to stabilize myself here in and as the physical. But obviously if I simply encourage the backchat, the thoughts and the reactions within an excuse that “I can’t help it” or “It’s not me doing it, it simply happens” or where one gets so immersed into the bullshit that one simply lives AS it – what will happen is a constant and continuous accumulation of the same shit and it will literally continue until we stop ourselves or we somehow get stopped by the consequences of our self-abdication.

So a point I’ve seen through walking these writings while in this state of mind-fuck where I’ve written on the specific points of resistance I’d experience is that the writing is worth shit if one is not directing oneself from a starting-point of taking responsibility which also means writing from the realization that one is the creator of one’s own experiences. This is basically the value of writing, that even when one is completely caught up in blame or projections or are simply not seeing the point of personal responsibility and how one is the creator of the points one is experiencing/walking through – is that one can actually utilize writing to bring oneself to that point of realization. In fact this is the entire purpose with writing, because if we don’t see and admit that we’re the creators of what is here, which in most cases is experienced as limited to one’s own life and inner experiences to begin with – we can’t take self-responsibility or rather, we don’t and won’t and we don’t even believe we’re capable of it. And so we will only take responsibility and break the spell in terms of directively change a point – once we’ve brought the point in its entirety back to ourselves through which, as we write out all the dimensions we bring the point of creatorship back to ourselves. But we won’t actually break the spell until we physically change it.

I will continue in my next blog posts.

Thanks for walking-with thus far.

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