This is my last day in the 21 day series of bringing myself back to breath however it is more day zero as I’ve seen bringing myself back to breath is an ongoing process that does not end in 21 days. So I will continue to walk this point day by day. Since my last post, I’ve been having some intense experiences, primarily related to the point of pushing through resistances. In my last post I started opening up about my resistance to engage with other people specifically in relation to self-judgment towards my appearances. I wrote self-forgiveness about my reactions towards walking into a clothing store and going to the department for obese people.
However before continuing with this point – the specific point I will write about here has to do with the point of pushing through resistance and how I’ve seen that I’ve manipulated myself to not push through fears and resistances. In my last post, I wrote about the resistance towards going to the library and the following day I went to the library to push myself through my resistances. Since then I’ve been pushing through other major resistances as I saw how extensively I was using excuses and justifications to not push through the resistances. But after I pushed through the resistances, which were quite major in terms of the extent of the intensity of the resistances, I started experiencing extensive emotional experiences and reverted back within experiencing that the emotional experiences were too extensive. So the points I will be walking here is preparing myself to walk through these points in understanding the sabotage and defense mechanisms I’ve used to avoid pushing through resistances and fears – so that as I walk through them, I do so in full self-support and self-direction. Because I see how I’ve not done that until now and because I did not prepare myself effectively, I expected that I’d be able to simply walk through the points, but I did not actually direct myself within seeing all the points that were required for me to walk through it. So here I begin the preparation process for me to effectively and self-directively to push through fears and resistances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself going into and as a deliberate emotional possession because I’ve recently pushed through a point of resistance that I have seen as being a big point and as such I’ve given myself a free pass to be emotional because of the justification that it is a ‘special occasion’ and that ‘I am doing something good so therefore I have a right to act out’ – as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the fact that I am pushing through resistance to justify myself going into emotional experiences so as to give myself free pass instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that pushing through resistances towards specific actions or pushing through emotions is no different.
When and as I see that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify within and as myself going into emotional possession experiences of irritation, annoyance and anger by saying to myself in and as backchat that this is a normal reaction when pushing through resistances and that I am allowed to react because I am doing something for the greater good – I stop. I breathe through the experience because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using the point of pushing through resistances as an excuse to give myself a free pass to generate and participate in emotional possession and I’ve been expecting that I, as I pushed through the resistances I would necessarily be experiencing intense emotions and as such I’ve both created them an endorsed them and have as such created an entire fucked up situation for myself all because I’ve been manipulating myself into remain existing within and as my self-created limitations. So I commit myself to stop justifying generating emotional experiences within and as myself when I push through a point of resistance or fear or addiction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with generating and creating emotional experiences within and as myself when there is a point I don’t want to push through and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use emotional experiences to justify and explain to myself that things are ‘too hard’ and ‘too intense’ for me to walk through from where I’ll explain to myself that it is better if I don’t push through the particular addiction/resistance/fear where I deliberately deceive myself into not seeing that the only reason why I am experiencing emotional experiences is because I did not want to push through the resistance .
When and as I have made a decision to push through a specific point of resistance or fear of addiction, and I see that I am participating in backchat and expectations of how hard it will be and how intense emotions I’ll experience, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I am the one who is deliberately creating these experiences through expecting them and endorsing them through giving them attention but also within how I’ve used emotions to deliberately manipulate myself to give up on myself so as to not have to push through points of resistance, fear and addiction. As such I commit myself to direct the emotions that may come up as I push through resistance, both within realizing how these experiences are due to the fact that I’ve been using them to manipulate myself but also within how as I stop for example a particular addiction that I’ve used to suppress myself, I’ll start emerging suppressed experiences and as such if I don’t stand prepared to effectively breathe through whatever comes up, I’ll be much more likely to ‘drown’ under the experiences that come up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the opportunity to push through resistances, fear and addictions through accepting and allowing myself to follow what comes up in my mind as backchat where I am literally standing in front of the opportunity to expand and change myself where I back out just because I fear and refuse changing in and as following a pattern I’ve established throughout my life of abiding fear through constantly avoiding the points I experience fear towards wherein I’ve believed and justified that I was righteously defending myself when in fact what I was doing was arguing for my self-created limitations and because of this never allowed myself to expand or challenge myself but instead remained in comfortable numbness inside the box I had packed myself into of fear and limitation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not want to push through resistances, fears or addictions simply because I don’t want to, without having questioned who I am within and as the starting point of not wanting to push through resistances, fears and addictions but instead simply accepted that this is who I am and without question just endorsed and supported myself in and as this point where I believed I was doing something good for myself because I was preventing myself from experiencing a negative experience which I interpreted as positive, not seeing realizing or understanding how the ‘who’ I accepted myself as was in fact extensive self-limitation and sabotage and deception.
When and as I see that I am standing before an opportunity to push through a particular point of resistance, fear or addiction and I experience an urge to not push through because I experience that it is easier, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand how I’ve created a positive relationship towards giving into resistance, fear and addiction because of the experience of comfortable numbness I derive from not facing myself and I see how extensively and unnecessarily I’ve deceived, sabotaged and limited myself through submitting myself to fear, resistances and addictions. So I commit myself to embrace the opportunities that arise for me to push through resistances, fears and addictions and as such actually assist and support myself to expand and change myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to push through resistances, fears and addictions for ‘someone else’ within and as my mind as ‘the greater good’ where as I push through I believe and perceive myself as being giving something up for others and therefore I am doing it in separation of and from myself and I am therefore doing it half-assed as it is only ‘half’ of me who is in fact doing it, where I’ve never actually in fact made the decision for myself in self-honesty which is why I am not following through with pushing through because I am not in fact doing it in self-honesty and full understanding of why I am doing it as a decision to change myself in self-honesty.
When and as I see that I am participating in stopping a resistance, a fear or an addiction from a starting-point of it being something I should do and that I am doing it for the greater good, but where I’ve in fact not made the decision in self-honesty for myself and therefore in separation of and from myself – I stop and I firstly realign myself and the decision to walk through the particular point of addiction, fear or resistance to common sense self-honesty in bringing the point back to myself and if and as required I write it out so that I can prepare myself to walk the decision of pushing through. Because I see, realize and understand that if I am acting based on a starting-point of separation I won’t be effective at what I am doing as it will be ‘half-assed’ and self-deceptive as I will in fact be resisting my own decision and will therefore react towards myself which is also why I then start throwing emotional tantrums of ‘acting out’ because I am in fact not walking in self-honesty. So – therefore I commit myself to stop making decisions to push through resistances, fear and addictions for someone else as being separate from me. And I commit myself to re-align myself in self-honesty to make decisions to push through resistances, fear and addictions for myself and to make them whole-assed instead of half-assed because I now see, realize and understand how this is the only way I will be able to walk the point of change absolutely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak my self-imposed limitations out loud both to myself and to others where I used the point of speaking about what I experience and think in and as backchat so as to justify, endorse and hold onto myself in and as limitation where if I can get another to agree with me they’ll support me in my self-delusion and if they don’t I’ll create a conflict towards them placing them within and as myself as being that point of opposition that in fact exist within and as myself as I’ll continue to argue for my limitation forcing another to participate one way or another.
So when and as I see that I am speaking in arguing for my limitations, my addictions, my fears or my resistances – I stop speaking. I breathe and I bring myself back here to my body. I place a guard in front of my mouth as I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using words and speaking to deliberately deceive myself and justify my self-imposed limitations, addictions, fears and resistances and as such I commit myself to support myself to stop speaking when I am not speaking her self-directed and to only speak in and as self-direction of myself as the living word. And I commit myself to stop using the living word in vain and in abuse to get what I want as the mind through deliberately manipulating myself and others.
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