This is DAY 20 of my 21 days of bringing myself back to breath. In the next and the last post in this series I’ll do a sum-up of how these past 21 days have went. But in this post I will be walking a point that has come up today. For context of what I will be walking here, this post is relevant: The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18
For quite some time, basically since I turned 30 last year and subsequently gained a lot of weight and where my body has changed in terms of showing signs of ‘flaw’ that I’ve not experienced before – I’ve been experiencing many reactions towards my appearances. Since this is quite a huge (no pun intended) point, I am not going to walk all the dimensions here, but simply a specific point that is very current within my daily experiences. So basically since the weight gain, the age gain (lol) and the changes of my physical that I am sure are at least to some part, due to my preoccupation with and self-judgment towards my appearances, I’ve been pulling myself away from other people.
When I am standing in the elevator here at our house, I’ll for example often bow my head and look down into the floor in shame of ‘who I am’ as ‘how I look/appear’. Now this is in stark contrast to my general expression of being very outgoing and inviting towards other people. And so I’ve been more and more pulling myself into myself, not wanting to go out really or meet anyone because I feel ashamed and have branded myself as being ‘out of the game’ and ‘old’. I can muster up a hint of an expression when I am in a shop or at work, but it is nowhere near my usual expression. I am experiencing a constant underlying shame and self-judgment. And what I realized today through the assistance with questions from two Destonians is that I’ve been deliberately matching my expression to my self-judgment. Basically how I’ve reasoned the point within my mind is that ‘because I am now ‘old, ugly and fat’ I have to express myself accordingly’, ‘no one wants to speak with me’, ‘how would anyone want to speak with me?’ and I see that the more I’ve bowed down to this self-definition the more it has affected my actual physical appearances that are then matching how I resonate myself within my expression. So I’ve basically ‘resigned’ into accepting my ‘new role’ and have been busy aligning my expression accordingly.
Now – I’ve never been a super model, but I’ve used my looks to get attention from guys and I’ve flirted with just about every person that I’ve met and so this new role is very far from how I’ve expressed myself previously – except for the fact that I’ve always had this side and have had days and weeks on and off where I felt like an outsider and then simply stayed at home. But now it has more or less become a ‘permanent’ point explicitly and without a doubt because of my direct brainwashing of myself through participation in self-judging backchat and so the result has been that I experience a complete and utter resistance towards going out and meeting other people in any capacity except for the supermarket. It has not made it easier from a certain perspective that I am in a new country where I don’t know anyone anyways and where I don’t speak the language fluently enough to participate on ‘equal terms’ however I can also see how such a set-up is quite a perfect challenge, whereas had I been in the comfort-zone of my home country I could have simply gone to one of the places that I know and where I’ve been before and feel at least somewhat comfortable. But here – I have to start over completely from scratch. And I am not talking about building up a serious network of friends or a friend group, because it is not about that at all. It is about no longer submitting myself to my own self-judgment towards how my appearances apparently change who I am allowed to be and how I am allowed to express myself where I’ve directively suppressed my expression in fear and self-judgment. And then it is also so as to actually network and get to know people and interact with others so that we can all expand ourselves and learn from each other.
So today my partner suggested that I go to the library to work on my thesis. I’ve done it only once before, also upon suggestion from my partner, so as to utilize getting out of the house to discipline myself. But I experience a massive resistance towards it. I’ve judged myself as being too old at the university library and quickly try to eradicate myself into a corner in shame. I certainly did not speak to anyone and quickly went home again. So this is obviously a challenge I take upon myself. Another option I also see that is perhaps even more challenging is to partake in a contact-improvisation group that I was invited to last year. I’ve wanted to go since I was invited because I absolutely enjoy contact-impro. Basically it is like free dancing and moving where one goes in contact with others and amongst other things do lifts and jumps with each other and as such ‘transcends’ the normal conventions about how a body is supposed to behave and move. I’ve done it a couple of times before when I had drama classes, but I’ve experienced much fear and resistances towards doing it here, primarily based on the backchat that: “. They’re probably all skinny and who would want to dance with me? Probably no one, then I’ll be sitting ashamed in a corner. No one can lift me anyways. They probably don’t want me there anyway.” So this is a specific point where I’ve significantly limiting myself from doing something that I enjoy and that would be supportive for me – out of fear.
So here I’ll be applying self-forgiveness on this fear and this backchat and this resistance that I experience towards going out and I’ll continue in the following posts so as to ensure that I walk through this point. Because I see how utterly detrimental it is and I see very clearly how this is something I am doing to myself explicitly within bowing down to ideas in my mind about appearances. In the midst of writing this blog, I went to take a break to play with my cats and I listened to a video by Marlen Vargas Del Razo that assisted me greatly in placing the points I’ve mentioned here into a more profound context, namely in seeing how insane it is to be preoccupied with being ‘good enough’ for the system while in fact the system that one is so desperately longing to be a part of is in fact founded upon abuse and therefore what one is diminishing oneself within is bowing down to and honoring an abusive system. This is quite similar to couples in an abusive relationship where the one partner will have the other so brainwashed that they’ll say sorry or thank you when they’re being beaten and are thus equally responsible in perpetuating the abusive situation. So this is definitely an important point that I’ll be including and expanding myself within as I walk these points.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept within and as myself that because I have gained weight and are now positioning physically within the ‘big girls’ department in the clothing store that who I am has changed and that I am now less worthy of living and existing and expressing myself than I was when I was positioned within a physical measurement of shopping in the ‘normal people’ department and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the fact that I now have to shop for clothes in a completely different department as a HUGE change in my life and in who I am because I’ve taken it personally in perceiving and interpreting that I’ve been outcast from the ‘normal people’s world’ to a shameful corner of the world that is the ‘big girls’ – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how this division of the size departments is utterly absurd and unnecessary to begin with and only has been designed as such to perpetuate the separation and difference between ‘normal size’ people and ‘fat people’ so as to provide the normal size people with the ‘freedom’ from having to worry about whether they are fat through seeing big sizes next to their normal sizes and how it is sending a signal to obese people that there is something wrong with them or to pity them in a misconstrued ‘empowerment’ calling the department where the bigger size clothes are located for ‘generous’ or ‘big is beautiful’ – instead of simply letting all the clothes hang next to each other without creating a division between the sizes. I see realize and understand however how it is me myself who have taken this division personally because I’ve already created that division and separation within and as myself and therefore the division of the clothes departments is merely reflecting my own shame and self-judgment and separation back to myself and is in fact not responsible for creating these experiences within me. So when and as I go to the clothing shop and I go to the department with the bigger sizes I simply do that as a practical point and when and as I see that I am creating an experience within myself and are back chatting in my mind within and as taking the division between the departments personally – I stop and I breathe and I continue shopping as a practical point of self-support, because obviously I have to wear clothes that actually fit as that is the primary purpose with clothes. So I commit myself to stop perpetuating the division that I’ve created and imagined in my mind between obese people and everyone else, where I’ve cornered and outcast obese people and therefore myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to classify myself in my mind as an ‘obese person’ as something that I am that defines me and the totality of me and my being and that significantly diminishes my value as a human being in this world and as a woman in particular where combined with a definition of myself as being ‘old’ within having turned 30 – I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being a complete loser who is embarrassing and shameful and should not even be allowed to walk the streets because I am apparently shameful for society and for the young skinny righteous people to whom apparently the world belongs as I too experienced for a fleeting moment in my twenties and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – partly – base this definition and acceptance of myself as being completely shamed out and cast out because of my weight and my age – on my own judgments towards other women (and men) who fit the same description of being aged and obese and how I’ve seen, defined and judged them as disgusting and embarrassing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when I see a woman who is obese to immediately put her down in my mind and deliberately look at the fatness of her legs, arms, stomach and face and within myself in sheer joy of spitefulness look at her in disgust and want her to receive my disgust and feel like shit and feel squashed and ashamed and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify this spitefulness within me by saying to myself that ‘she should know better’, ‘it’s her own fault that she’s fat’, ‘she’s a disgusting pig’, ‘she should have better self-control that pig’ and within and as this in my mind totally and completely diminish and break down this human being in my mind – which I am now facing equally as one within and as myself – and of course it’s always only been about myself and how I relate myself to/within/as the system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as the person with the skinny to normal body weight and mass to when and as I diminish a person that is obese in my mind to see myself as righteous within and as defining myself as good because I exercise and eat what I consider as being healthy and therefore within this judge and define the other human being as ‘wrong’ and ‘unhealthy’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the utter absurdity and self-deception within and as how I am the one being evil and spiteful in my mind towards this human being, whose only ‘crime’ is that they are overweight which they could be for any number of reasons and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how my strong reaction towards obese people is in fact due to the fact that I within them are reflecting my own over-consumption and greed which I’ve happily suppressed and pretended like does not exist while I am busy shopping for my next vegan oatmeal cookie or my next swimsuit and in fact exist as exactly that which I judge the person who is obese for: having no self-control, being unhealthy, being self-responsible for having allowed myself to become greedy and over-consuming, everything that I judge a person that is obese for – are in fact traits within and as myself that I’ve separated myself from and refused to face and it is therefore I want the obese people to be outcast, so that I don’t have to be confronted with my own over-consumption, greed and lack of self-control because then I can continue with it while pretending that what I accept and allow has no consequences – which is exactly what people that are obese have come to represent.
Okay – I’ll go up to here for now with this explosive topic and I’ll continue in my next post with the specific self-forgiveness statements on these points.
Thanks for walking-with.
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