For context to what I have been walking, here are the previous posts:
In my last post I started opening up on the fear of being here – which I came to see is essentially the fear of self. What has happened the last two days since I wrote this post is that I’ve experienced a sort of explosion of seeing points within me, literally in every moment seeing something that I see is ‘wrong’ with myself or something that I see requires sorting out through the process of writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. And this accumulated today to an experience of overwhelmedness. Obviously such an experience is not constructive towards actually sorting oneself out and it will often lead one to give up on oneself. In supporting others with similar experiences, I’ve shared the metaphor of seeing a room that one has to clean up, a really messy room. And if one stands and looks out on the mess and tries in one’s mind to sort it out all at once, you know that thought of “how am I ever going to get through this?” it is almost certain that one will rather shut the door and leave the room with some excuse to come back and do it later. But later it will still be the same mess. Now it just might be smellier. Lol – so it’s the same within us. The practical way to sort such a messy room out, is to do it in the physical, using one’s hands or whatever tools are practical to use. And then one simply starts with one corner, only focusing on the mess that is in that corner. Throw the trash out, fold the clothes, vacuum the floor. And then one moves on to the next corner and through such a point-by-point application, one will be able to clean the room that before looked completely impossible to clean. So this is obviously a note to self – to realize that feelings of being overwhelmed are like any other emotion, designed to get one to give up – so that one can justify not facing oneself and then return to whatever zombifying point of entertainment that one was preoccupying oneself with, happily pretending like “I was not the one who made the mess, so why do I have to clean it up?” Even though one is well aware that it was oneself all along.
And I also see that the fact that I am now seeing all these patterns and personalities and shit emerging so rapidly – it is similar to actually going to the door of the messy room and opening it. It is a declaration to begin sorting the mess out. Because if I don’t at least sees the shit, how am I going to be able to sort it out? So what I got frustrated over was that there are so many points with so many intricate dimensions that I see requires a proper writing (cleaning) and I am simply not practically able to sit down and write about every single one of them – not at once at least. And so I also see that ‘the problem’ is within how I react to seeing these points within myself. It is like: “oh no, that personality oh shit yes I gotta sort that out”, and then five minutes later another point emerges, just as intricate and ‘demanding’ from the perspective that I see that if I don’t sort myself out and change, I’ll continue creating fucked up consequences in my participation and in general. It would of course be optimal if I could walk through all of these at once, writing blog post after blog post or simply let them go through one breath.
But the fact of the matter is that I am sitting here with myself with a messy room that is myself. A room that did not get messy by itself all at once by magic – and just like that, it is also not going to sort itself out by magic all at once. I have to carefully and diligently direct each point that is ‘unclean’ or ‘out of order’ as well as take responsibility for and investigate the cause of me being careless to begin with so as to be able to change the patterns within which I live and direct myself. And so this is the process that works the best for the purpose: to slow down and look at one point at a time. So that is what I will do and what I will stick to. I might have to change up my process of writing so that I can focus on the points that are the most important in the moment, but what matters is simply to start in one corner and begin picking up the pieces of myself that I’ve scattered into the living mess that is myself.
I will continue in my next post on the point of fear of being here.
Thanks for walking with.
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