This is day 16 of my 21 day blogs of bringing myself back to breath. I’ve been writing about wanting an easy life and how I came to live according to the ‘religious doctrine’ of ‘do what makes you happy’. In this blog post I’ve not yet decided what to write about as I sit down now. Through these days I’ve been walking this blog series, I’ve come to see how bringing myself back to breath is not in fact about writing about bringing myself back to breath – but about making the decision to bring myself back to breath and then directing myself to do so. Lol – anything else is simply self-deception. So I am not going to write about how I’m not bringing myself back to breath, because that would be defying the purpose of this blog series.
Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also What’s Best for you? DAY 147
I’ve noticed something within my daily participation however and that is how I am constantly ‘on the move’. At the same time as I was about to sit down to write this blog and looking at the desire for life to be easy I said to myself: ‘breathing is easy’. It is quite a contradiction. I have a desire for an easy life, which I’ll fight tooth and nails to get, while the one thing that is actually the easiest in the entire world, as we’re already doing it automatically, breathing, is experienced as difficult. That simply does not make sense. This is obviously also because when I speak about bringing myself back to breath, I am speaking about self-directive/directed breathing, where breathing is not just an automated mechanism of a physical vessel that I happen to be located somewhere unspecified within – but as an actual decision I make in every moment to be HERE. And this correlates with this want/need/desire to be constantly on the move. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember and my mother is the same way. The only moments where I am ‘content’ being still in my body is when I’ve been either depressed or apathetic or when I am completely preoccupied with something like reading a book or doing something online. But there it is more like I disconnect with my body and disappear either into the mental experiences or into whatever I am preoccupied with in the moment. At all other times – except for when I am sleeping, I am constantly on the move. What this means is that I’ll for example write for ten or fifteen minutes and then I’ll get an ‘urge’ to move, from where I’ll allocate some task that needs to be done, whether it is going to the bathroom or taking the cats out or eating something. And so I’ll do that and return to my desk writing, only to ten minutes later, get up again. And I’ve noticed how this is affecting how much work I actually get done during a day, because I literally spend hours with these five minute breaks and ten minute breaks of ‘suddenly having to do something else’ than what I’m doing. I had this in high school as well, where I developed a system where I’d go to the bathroom every half hour or forty minutes because then I found that I could stand sitting in class for the duration of a lesson of one and a half/two hours. When I got older I got better at sitting still in situations where I had to, like in school, but even on my chair I’d move around a lot.
So I see how this ties in with ‘breathing is easy’ and how I experience breathing as ‘difficult’ because in making the decision to breathe, I am making the decision to be here and THAT is exactly what I’ve been avoiding through my ninja tactic of constantly being ‘on the move’. So my moving about is literally a constant running away from HERE. Lol – but here is wherever I am, so I can’t run away from HERE and so therefore I constantly have to run away from the current moment, because it is HERE. That’s also why I’ve not been directing myself to breathe – because I fear bring here. So this is what I will be writing about and it actually ties together with the desire for an easy life because an ‘easy life’ as I’ve defined it and lived it means not being HERE and facing whatever is HERE but selectively only doing the things that ‘makes me FEEL good’.
SELF-FORGIVENESS on FEAR of being HERE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid and prevent myself from being here, through constantly experiencing and following an ‘urge’ that I have instilled within and as myself to ‘move’ that I activate through planting thoughts and backchat and urges as wants/needs/desires in my mind to ‘move’ myself through and within which I justify this urge to move as ‘logical’ and ‘reasonable’ and ‘justified’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately come up with reasons and justifications for constantly moving myself AWAY from HERE that I justify as being ‘logical’ and ‘reasonable’ and thus accept myself to follow through with as the urge to move comes ‘over me’ as completely valid and justified, even though I know it is not because I am moving myself AWAY from HERE based on an energetic experience and not because of any practical point of self-movement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate or question the urge to move that I constantly and continuously experience throughout my daily participation but that I instead have taken for granted and accepted as valid through deceiving myself in and as backchat to justify my reasons for moving as valid even though I know they are not because my starting-point is to deliberately move myself AWAY from HERE through coming up with reasons to move myself TO somewhere/something else than what I am facing/participating with HERE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if I don’t constantly move myself as I’ve made myself addicted to and dependent upon this constant moving myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automate the urge to move so that I don’t even have to actively direct it because it is simply a constant and continuous experience and when something is automated I can also forget about it and live it automatically without ever questioning it or myself within and as it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being HERE because when I am here I am ‘with’ me which would indicate that I prefer being in a constant ‘state’ of separating myself from myself here which I do through constant and continuous participating in and as the mind as the mental equivalent of the constant moving of myself based on energy where I am equally as one constantly moving myself INSIDE myself from personality to personality, from thought to thought, from experience to experience – all to not have to be with me. By the way even being ‘with’ me – is indicating separation because being ‘with’ means that there’s two or more instead of one
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here because how I’ve defined being here is where I am faced with and facing my own accepted self that I judge and fear and don’t like as the negative of and as myself that I am hiding behind a veneer of positivity as for example manifested in how I move about doing seemingly ‘practical stuff’ all the while the purpose is to avoid myself
(I will continue with writing self-forgiveness on fear of being here and I am glad I opened this point up. Thanks for walking with.)
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