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In this blog I share self-forgiveness on how I Fantasized about a Boy saving me from my Life and Devalued my own Ability to Change myself Ending up in a Golden Cage in my Mind Waiting for The Prince

This is a continuation from: My Fairytale Prince and The Ever After that Never Comes: DAY 117

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about a boy coming to rescue me within and as activating the relationship system within and as myself based on having heard/read/seen fairytales where the prince would rescue the girl/princess from captivity and danger and as such I superimposed this image/symbol into and as my own life where I saw and perceived myself as being captured/trapped in a hopeless/helpless situation that I could not save myself from because of how I defined myself as a child as being powerless towards the adults as I accepted them as authorities and thus defined the adults in my world as the ‘monsters’ and ‘trolls’ and ‘evil beings’ of the story that I would require saving from in defining myself as the princess who is helpless and who can’t save herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a want/need/desire to be saved from what I perceived to be a hopeless/helpless/powerless situation and within and as that hope that someone outside and separate from would come and take me a way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a pattern of when I was about to go to sleep would lay and fantasize about how my life would be different in a different situation and how being in a relationship with a boy would make my life perfect, just like in the fairytales I had heard as a child, where the princess was always confined and restricted and fragile and would require a strong, independent, free prince to come and save her and how these stories always ended with the sentence: and they lived happily ever after – so that became my fantasy and dream of having a perfect life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as being the authority and author of myself and thus only dream and fantasize about scripting a different life within and as having perceived/defined/experienced and accepted my life as ‘the hand that has been dealt to me’ where I completely accepted that I, because I was a child/minor had absolutely no ability to change or direct myself – that it was something/someone else who was the author of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself in and as separation of and from myself here as self-power, independence and free onto and as an image/idea/fantasy/hope in my mind of a boy that would come and save me and thus change my life-story for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own authority to change my experience of myself onto another as outside and separate from me, where I’ve deceived myself into believing – based on the fairytales and stories I’ve heard and read, that only a ‘prince’ can save me and thus within that completely and totally abdicated all self-responsibility and self-empowerment and self-direction to change my own experience of myself and my life-situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about the boy in my mind and that he would take me away from my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an image in my mind of a boy as a projection that I use to my suppress myself and escape from myself – not seeing realizing or understanding that I’m in fact not escaping myself as I am still here and only what I am doing is to retract into my mind separate myself from myself here in and as the physical believing that that is escaping from myself when in fact all I am doing is hiding from myself and pushing myself away

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as backchat in and through my mind as manifesting images based on movies, tvseries and book images I’ve seen that

I’ve superimposed into my mind in and as visualization

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about this boy as an image in my mind where I picture who this boy is and what he will look like and how his temper will be and basically create this entire entity as a character within my mind that I use to feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about how strong this boy is and how good he is and how safe he is and how he loves me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good and better about myself when I participate in imagination and visualization in my mind – simply because I use it to suppress, deny and hide my actual experience of and as myself in and as my physical body and within how I see, perceive and experience my life situation as being hopeless, helpless and powerless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the image of the boy that comes and saves me in my mind, deliberately as a positive polarity of hope to the hopelessness I feel, experience and accept as my actual reality and living situation, and of power and strength as the polarity to my experience of myself as being powerless and of goodness, safety and being loved as a polarity to how I experience myself as lonely, desperate and that I have no one who loves or cares for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as this image of a boy that comes and saves me, as a way of saving myself from myself in how I experience myself in and as myself in my body and in how I perceive, see and experience my life situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a want/need and desire for someone else to come and save me and to stand as the point of strength and goodness and safety and love in my life in believing and accepting and experiencing that ‘those who are supposed to do that’ as the adults in my reality as my mother and stepfather specifically are NOT doing what ‘they’re supposed to do’ – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have separated myself from myself as self-love, self-strength, self-support, self-comfort and such have projected it outside myself, believing and accepting that only someone outside of and separate from me that give that to me and since I see my mother and stepfather having failed that responsibility and I don’t see that I have anywhere else to go, I created this boy in my mind to project this responsibility onto specifically within placing myself in an experience of hope, where I through the hope could deceive myself into believing that it could really happen and thereby having justified for myself the relevance and validity of participating in and as this fantasy – when the matter of fact was that it simply made feel better because I through it separated myself from myself here into and as a mental reality in my mind where I suppressed my actual experience of myself as I believed I could escape myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as self-strength, self-love, self-empowerment, self-comfortability through, within and as defining myself as a child, as inherently inferior and submissive to the adults around me as I accepted that when the adults said that they were the authority, I accepted them as such and thus abdicated my own responsibility for myself and thus everything else of and as me with it, as I perceived, believed, experienced, justified and accepted that everything that happened to me or within me was the doing of either ‘life’/’the world’ as some abstract/religious entity or through other people as adults or other children where I never ever accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that even as a child, I was the creator of and as myself and even as a child, I had the opportunity to direct myself in and as self-integrity and so that even if my practical living situation was shitty practically speaking and not something I could practically change because I was a child and still required the support of adults to support my physical and practical living – I could have stood within myself in self-integrity and not have accepted and allowed myself to let myself as my being and my physical body become submissive and apathetic or to allow myself to be influenced and defined through my living situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in fantasizes about how wonderful a life I will have once the boy comes and saves me from my current life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hope that my life will change and will be wonderful and happy forever after through a boy coming and saving me from my mother and stepfather and from my experience of myself as being powerless, helpless and hopeless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a want/need and desire to live what I imagined to be a wonderful life as I had heard the words being spoken and seen the images in movies, tv-series and in stories about people living happily ever after

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fantasies as hope in accepting and allowing myself to wait for a better life to come my way, within and as having believed, experienced and accepted that I have absolutely no power, authority or responsibility for changing my life and that only someone else outside and separate from me can do that and thus I accepted and allowed myself to do not but sit and wait to be saved while believing that I was manifesting this reality for myself the more I participated in fantasies

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason it seemed like my fantasies were becoming more real and possible the more I participated in and as them, was because the more I retracted into fantasies, the more I separated myself from and suppressed my actual experience of myself in my physical body and in how I perceived my life-situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fantasies as a way of coping with my experience of myself and with my life situation in how I experience, perceive, believe and accept it to be through suppressing, hiding, deceiving and denying myself as I separate myself from myself here in and as my physical body into and as an alternate reality in my mind that I thus abdicate myself to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that my fantasy is real and that this boy I fantasied about did in fact really exist and such convince myself that there was hope that someone would come and save me

I forgive myself that I, within and as having participated in fantasizing about a boy that comes and saves have accepted and allowed myself to write off my mom as the person I had believed were supposed to take care of me, love me, support me, be my safety within and as feeling betrayed and abandoned by my mother because she did not live up to the responsibility that I in my mind had assigned of being sole responsible for my life and my wellbeing and thus projected this onto someone else in seeing how my mother was no longer this person – never even ever considering that this person who is responsible for me, my wellbeing and my experience of myself – is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, blame and spite my mother in my mind for not living up to the responsibility that I have expected of her to take, that if she is supposed to be an authority over me that decide over my life, she should also be a good and loving mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and be sure within and as my mind that there is and exists a man/boy out in the world that will/can possibly come and save me and therefore use this belief to justify and validate and legitimize my fantasy of being saved by the image of the boy in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I’ve wanted/needed/desired and expected that an image in my mind that I’d projected onto practical reality would come and save me – not seeing, realizing or understanding the absolute absurdity and how I’ve separated myself from myself

I forgive myself that I, within and as having believed and hope and wanted/needed/desired that a man/boy would come and save me, in fact have judged and defined myself as being inferior and less-than and as such have invalidated and devalued myself in completely separating myself from all possible forms of self-empowerment, strength and ability to change and therefore consequentially have created a reality for myself where I’ve made it impossible for myself to change

(To be continued)

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