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During the last few weeks, I’ve had a closer look at myself within and as the character of being a people-pleaser. One point was when my partner’s mother came for a visit for the first time. I had a great ‘view’ of seeing myself going into the people pleaser character and since I’ve been working on all characters pertaining to my relationships towards others, I was aware of stepping out of character. Yet when my partner’s mother came, it was as if an automatic switch flipped on and I simply ‘was’ the people pleaser. When my partner and I went to work and were late, I worried about how his mother would feel with us being gone. I thought about whether she was enjoying herself or if she was being bored. The same night when she slept here, I had a dream where I was running around between people in different houses, with the responsibility of pleasing everyone and it just was not possible and I was stressed. However when the character does ‘succeed’ and the person I am with expresses/show that they like me and feel good in my company, I literally feel like I’ve won a medal. I just remembered now how a woman I lived with in a commune would say to me that I was the easiest person to live with because I was accommodating and comfortable to be around. I remember how proud I was of myself as this is a character that I have put much effort into perfecting and this moment was like the pinnacle of all my hard work. The yesterday another point emerged, that I’ll have to write more about by; however I’ll briefly touch upon it here as it ties together with the general character of being a people pleaser. So I’ve gained a lot of weight since I’ve been with my current partner – and this is a pattern that I have entered into in all my relationships. I had a chat with another Destonian about it and I could see how I was literally ‘waiting’ for myself through/within the consequence of a significant weight gain. And what happens is that I, when I participate in something enjoyable for myself such as looking at birds outside my window and being interested in how they act and I try to share it with my partner and he’s not interested, I’ll feel as though he is taking something from me and that I can no longer enjoy the point because my partner does not share it. And so, I’ll retract from the point and experience a ‘loss’ that I project onto my partner. And so, if it does not please my partner, I’ll retract from it and consequently blame my partner and invert it into myself. So what this Destonian said is that I am literally collecting suppressed expression inside myself that then becomes a physical weight gain.

This post is a continuation from:

  1. Everybody Loves Me – I Am a Star! DAY 79
  2. If They Don’t See Me, does that mean I’m Not Here? DAY 80
  3. Intermission with the Comparison Character: DAY 81
  4. If a Tree Falls in a Forest and No One is Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound? DAY 82
  5. Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that Light I Turn my Back: DAY 83
  6. Adults Rotten Values Becomes The Men Children are Made of: DAY 84
  7. Redefining The Word Attention: DAY 85
  8. The Showing Off Character: DAY 86
  9. Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87
  10. Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
  11. The Key to Connecting with Other People: DAY 89
  12. The People Pleaser Character: DAY 90

What I have realized is that people pleasing is not about pleasing others in fact – it’s about pleasing my own fear and my own people pleaser character. And what I’ve also realized, as I’ve written about before, is that I have experienced extensive resistance towards giving up on this character and stepping out of it. When I look at why I fear giving this character up, is because I fear/believe/accept that without it I’ll be ‘uncivilized’ again and people will not like me anymore. Social survival has literally become my number one priority in this life and a particular reason is as I’ve written about because I’ve experienced and accepted myself as being completely uncivilized and separate from the social group. So I’ve spent years perfecting the character until I could step into it ‘naturally’ and comfortably where I believed that it was myself that had succeeded in finally becoming the kind of human being that I wanted to become. So obviously from within this perspective, giving that up would be pretty damn stupid – and again: who would I be without this character? I would simply be me, the ‘me’ that was here before I created this character and before I perfected the point of effectively ‘pleasing’ other people.

When others are pleased with me, I am pleased. When others are not pleased with me, I am not pleased. When I am pleased with something inside myself that another is not pleased with, I will stop being pleased with it, even though I know I am lying to myself. And I will in that blame the other for taking that from me – even though it was myself who did it all along.

So – I define myself based on the relationship I have created towards others in my mind and within that I extensively and thoroughly limit and constrict myself according to my ‘laws’ that I have created about ‘who’ I am supposed to be – because of the starting-point that who I am in myself is inherently NOT good enough, not good at all.

Okay – so something very interesting is the origin of the word please:

“early 14c., “to be agreeable,” from O.Fr. plaisir (Fr. plaire) “to please,” from L. placere “to be acceptable, be liked, be approved,” related to placare “to soothe, quiet,” from PIE root *p(e)lag- “to smooth, make even” (cf. Gk. plax, gen. plakos “level surface,” plakoeis “flat;” Lett. plakt “to become flat;” O.N. flaga “layer of earth;” Norw. flag “open sea;” O.E. floh “piece of stone, fragment;” O.H.G. fluoh “cliff”). Intransitive sense (e.g. do as you please) first recorded c.1500; imperative use (e.g. please do this), first recorded 1620s, was probably a shortening of if it please (you) (late 14c.). Related: Pleased; pleasing.”

So – to please is to ”even out” – which in this case means that I come from a starting-point of believing that ”I must make more of me” in accepting myself as inherently ”less than” and thus through being a people pleaser and making that effort, I make myself ”more” and thus even out the playing field – obviously within being accepted, liked and soothing, quieting “others” through me pleasing them, thus preventing them from not liking me – when in fact who and what I am soothing and quieting is myself as fear.

Another point within the word “please” – is the word “plea” and “see” – so there is “please see me” and “see my plea” – where when I please another I believe that when they see me as more than what I see myself as, I become more – which I can’t do for myself, because I’ve already devalued myself.

I can definitely see how this I relevant because it also explains my experience/belief/acceptance that I don’t have any form of integrity within myself and that I am not very interested in actually standing by/walking-with myself because all that matters in my world are my relationship with other people.

So – from my perspective, I’ve trothed around in this point long enough and it’s time to step out of this character, once and for all. The only thing I have been satisfying for all these years has been my own fear. I’ve never actually pleased anyone for real – because everyone else in living in fear too and so we live in these lives where we grin and smile nicely at each other and “keep the peace” and “If you make me happy, I’ll make you happy” – and it’s all one big fake pile of bullshit.

Conclusively I commit myself to in my next blog walk the self-forgiveness of myself as the people pleaser characters – so that I can and may assist and support myself to step out of it.

Suggested blogs to read in conjunction with this blog series:



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