As I have been walking and looking at this character I have been writing about the last two days, I have seen more and more points emerge that tie in with this character, like the crooked branches on the rotten tree of life that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, where I cannot touch one branch (as a character) without touching another and another.
Part 1 and 2
I can see that this character ties in in a larger network of characters and more specifically that I within investigating it, have not gone to the root of the point I did make the decision to write about it and as I did, it was like I opened a can of worms. Today I experienced jealousy towards a being in my world and I immediately stopped myself and asked myself what it is I am jealous at this being for. The immediate answer as backchat (internal conversation) was: “because everybody loves her.” So what I saw emerging here is the jealousy character which is based on the comparison character and the competition character. And this is what happened when I saw the adults watching a movie and they did not look at me, I compared how they valued (through giving their attention) the movie to how they valued me (as not giving me attention). So before I even went into the point of desiring for everybody to love me, I had stepped into the comparison character and it was from there that I designed the strategy of trying to get everyone to love me, constantly doing the calculation of “does everyone love me” or “does everyone love someone else” and accordingly defined myself. So this character that I have been writing about is actually branching out from the comparison character. So I will be walking that here so that I can take this character into consideration as I walk this point through and delete and release this character and its offshoots.
Thought: Projecting myself outside myself seeing someone outside myself ‘possessing’ something I see as valuable and then looking at myself inside myself and seeing that I do not have this value
Backchat: “I want to have that”, “I don’t have that”, “I wish I was like them”, “If I was like them I would have that value”, “It is unfair that they have it so that I can’t have it.”, “So if they have it, it must mean that I don’t have it”, “I am not valuable”, “I am worthless”
Reactions: Feeling emptied, feeling lacking, feeling jealous (the jealousy character)
Physical changes: Stomach crunching up, shoulders lifting, chest drawn in, breathing restricted, mouth tightening, eyes reaching outwards
In the memory, I perceived that what the adults were giving attention to was valuable (what was on TV) and thus saw/perceived and accepted myself as not valuable in comparison. In the moment of watching the adults watching the movie, I separated myself from myself and I projected myself outside myself in and as separating myself from attention here and thus perceived myself to be separate from attention. But because I had already separated myself from myself I projected this outside myself perceiving and believing that the adults were not giving me attention, that something was missing in me because they were not giving me attention. It was from there I developed the desire to be loved by everyone because I connected that experience to the words “Everybody loves….” (As the movie: “Everybody loves Debbie” they were watching)
I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements in my next post where I will include the comparison character.
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