It is interesting. As I’ve been walking with myself in relation to this point I wrote about yesterday and that I knew I would be writing about in this blog here, I started experiencing fear and resistance to giving up and stepping out of this character. Because I’ve made myself so dependent upon it, that I’ve accepted that I can’t live without it – lol – as though I’ve even remotely “lived” in and as it. So I am here to take it apart. And I am here to see myself. The resistance is a cool indicator – I am on point. The ride stops here, slowly but surely.
Yesterday I started opening up the character “Everybody Loves me – I am a Star!”. I saw how the sentence “Everybody loves me” originated from a memory of me watching a movie called “Everybody Loves Debbie” but where I in the moment of watching the movie, separated myself from myself as I was watching the adults around me who were watching the movie and felt excluded and not given attention. So in my mind I associated “Everybody Loves Debbie” to a character in the television who is the center of attention and who everybody loves because she is sweet, nice and blond. I also associated my interpretation that the adults were not speaking to me with there being something wrong with me because the adults “Love Debbie” in the television as that is what they give their attention to and now me. So from there I manifested the desire to be loved by everybody, but actually it was to cope with my experience. I separated myself from my own experience of myself and from my own body in desiring for the adults to give me attention and thus perceived that if everyone loves me, I will get attention and I will not experience myself like I did in that moment, where I perceived and defined and accepted myself as a child that is not worth listening to or give attention. But really I took the entire situation personally instead of looking at it in common sense and instead of remaining here in and as my own physical body and presence. Later I refined the character because I was now completely immersed in it and as it, where I literally desired for everyone to love me as being on stage where all eyes are on me, exactly as the adults eyes were on the TV. Since then I’ve simply lived in and as this character, always in the background as the eyes/I I look through and as at reality, at other people and at myself, not ever once realizing, seeing or understanding this for myself. I will start here by applying self-forgiveness on the memory of watching the movie.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a desire to be seen, within and as having created a relationship based on reactions towards a situation where I was not seen that I took personally, inverted and defined myself according to, where I perceived, believed, experienced and accepted myself as being excluded, worthless and virtually not existing because the others did not see me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was I who did not see me in that moment, it was I who excluded me and as such separated myself from myself in and as the physical by placing all my attention and focus on whether another is seeing me, that I took personally and inverted into myself in then creating a belief that there is something wrong with me because I am not being seen, as such that I am worthless and an experience of anxiety and fear within experiencing myself as not existing because I am not being seen
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a belief that if another does not see me, there is something wrong with me and I am thus worthless
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience/acceptance/perception of myself as not existing if I am not seen by another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-separation onto another, when in fact I was the one who did not see me, because I was projecting myself, my worth, value and existence onto someone else as a mirror outside separate from me that I gave value as that which determines who I am within taking a moment personally where another did not see me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-separation onto another outside separate from me as a mirror that I reflect myself onto in separation of and from myself, where I accepted that if they do not see me, I do not exist – when in fact I created the experience of not existing, within separating myself from myself in and as the physical by projecting my attention onto another outside separate from me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the desire to get back to myself – as being given attention and being seen, onto another – as that point where I should have seen myself and given myself attention in the moment, stopping up and bringing myself back to myself here instead of separating myself and projecting myself outside myself, instead of in that moment in fact separate myself even further from myself by projecting the origin point of my self-separation and the consequential experience of not existing/not being seen/being worthless onto another outside separate from me as a mirror of my self-separation that I wanted to see me to “fix” my experience of and as myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding that I was looking for myself in the separation of myself and thus perpetuated more and more separation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the origin point of my self-separation and the consequential experience of not existing/not being seen/being worthless onto another outside separate from me as a mirror of my self-separation that I wanted to see me to “fix” my experience of and as myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding that I was looking for myself in the separation of myself and thus perpetuated more and more separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I separated myself from myself in that moment of seeing the adults looking at the TV and not looking at me, is because I had already separated myself from myself, I had already accepted myself as separate from myself and from all as myself – I was merely doing what I have programmed myself to do, which is to do the opposite of facing myself within and as myself and instead create a mirror by projecting my self-separation outside of myself that I then reflect myself in and attempt to get back to myself through, over and over, over and over as I have made my very starting-point in and as this existence and in and as my human physical body, the constant and continuous separation from myself while attempting to get back to myself through and within separating myself from myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in that moment of seeing the adults looking at the TV instead of looking at me, where I took it personally and inverted it into and as myself and interpreted it as though there was something wrong with me/I was worthless/I did not exist and as such abdicated and abandoned myself here in my human physical body and made my body a prison where I trapped myself through accepting and allowing myself to only exist in and as projections onto others as mirrors outside separate from me that I reflected myself in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to, in that moment where I separated myself from myself here in and as my human physical body through taking it personally that the adults were looking at a movie and not at me and as such defined/perceived/experienced/believed and accepted myself as worthless/not existing – I too turned my attention to the movie, as I perceived/defined/believed/experienced and accepted that it was the movie that was valuable and existent in that moment as that was what the adults gave attention to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that, that which adults place value and attention on is that which is valuable and which I too should give my attention, not seeing, realizing or understanding that adults value and give attention to that which can keep them separated into and as the mind, while disregarding life and that I within accepting adults as authorities who knew more than me about what is valuable and what to give attention, within perceiving, believing, experiencing and accepting my relationships with others as the most important thing in the world, as that which would make or break me and determine my existence here on earth, I willingly accepted that what the adults saw as valuable was in fact what was valuable and as such it became my value too
(To be continued…)
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