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Introduction:

How do you react when you hear the words “bad girl”? For me it has been a strong energetic reaction – which I take offset in in this writing. I am continuing exploring the “feel good when doing bad” character and I am here opening up a dimension of that character that has to do with the origin of the character and the development of moral judgment throughout my life-experience. I am writing here the second part with self-forgiveness and prescribing self-corrective application for myself – to change and step out of this character through releasing myself from the strings of memories and energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bad girl within having created a relationship towards the expression/words “bad girl” of energetic experience, where I simultaneously experience  excitement (as positive experience) and shame/guilt (negative experience) in on one hand, defining “being a bad girl” in association and relation and alike to sexual excitement (as seen in porn and movies where “bad girl” is used to generate sexual arousal) wherein and from which I have created, manifested and participated within and as an inner conflict towards feeling excited about being bad and at the same time feeling ashamed about ‘feeling good about being bad’, believing that there is something wrong with me because I ‘feel good about being bad’ yet at the same time, ‘feel good about being bad’ BECAUSE it is ‘bad’

I commit myself to here release the energetic relationship I have created towards the expression “bad girl” based on memories of movies where the expression is used to generate sexual arousal and from where and through which I have created this energetic relationship in simultaneously experiencing excitement and shame and guilt. I commit myself to here remove all energetic experiences towards the expression “bad girl” – because I see, realize and understand that the only purpose of my relationship with and towards this expression has been to generate energy within myself, either through a positive energetic experience of sexual arousal and/or through a negative energetic experience of inner conflict in experiencing guilt/shame towards experiencing a positive energetic experience towards the expression “bad girl” – and that the only purpose of generating energy is for the mind to sustain itself and I do not accept and allow myself to continue existing as a mere tool through which the mind generate energy as an entity of illusion that I have abdicated myself to and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and connect the expression ‘bad girl’ to memories of watching porn and movies and in general experiencing myself sexually and that I within that have connected ‘feeling good about being bad’ that I experienced in those memories to all that I have defined as ‘bad’, so that when I do something ‘bad’ or am tempted to do something ‘bad’ I experience the same initial energetic excitement/shame experience through which I accept and allow myself to generate energy through an inner conflict

I commit myself to here delete memories of movies I have watched where, when I watched the movie and heard the expression “bad girl” connected to images of people having sex and that I created an energetic relationship towards in experiencing inner conflict wherein I feel good and feel bad and feel good about feeling bad

When and as I watch a movie and see people having sex or getting sexually aroused or read about sex or hear the expression “bad girl” – and I see that I am reacting within experiencing a movement of energy within and as me of excitement as an experience of “sexual arousal”, I stop. I breathe and I do not accept or allow myself to participate in an energetic experience of excitement and inner conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the character I have created of ‘feeling good about being bad’ and the subsequent ‘feeling bad about feeling good about being bad’ and ‘wanting to be good’ is specifically based on the relationship I have created towards sexuality and the specific energetic experience I manifested within and as myself in my first encounters with sexuality – where I experienced a simultaneous experience of shame and excitement and since then, every time when I am faced with something I have defined, experienced and accepted as ‘bad’, I experience this same energetic experience and have even sought it out deliberately in experiencing a ‘rush’ within and as myself that I have become addicted to of a simultaneous experience of shame and excitement

I commit myself to here release myself from the memory wherein I first experienced and understood sex as something bad and the relationship I have created towards this memory and my experience of reaction in that moment where I experienced excitement and shame/guilt at the same time and from there accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this energetic experience of ‘feeling good when doing bad’

I commit myself, when and as I am faced with a point/situation that I have defined as bad, that I experience a desire towards participating within and as BECAUSE I have defined it as bad – to stop. Because I see, realize and understand that my participation in and as this experience of ‘feeling good/bad about doing bad’ is a relationship of addiction that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon, based on a memory of the first time I experienced being caught in doing something bad, wherein and towards which I experienced an intense energetic reaction of excitement/guilt/shame and because I see, realize and understand that the purpose of this energetic experience is to generate energy for the mind to feed off of the physical to sustain itself as the illusion that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I ‘feel good about being bad’ is not because I am bad in fact, but because of the initial experience of energetic rush I experienced as a child when I was caught by an adult and believed myself to do something bad because of the reaction/response in the adult that I did not understand and from there formed a relationship to the memory of the experience I had in that moment of being caught, where I experienced simultaneous excitement and shame – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the experience I had was merely an energetic/physical reaction of surprise and shock because I did not understand the reaction/response of the adult and instead internalized it and interpreted the adult’s reaction/response as me doing something wrong and thus that I am bad and wrong, yet because I at the time had not yet assumed a morality-character for myself, I interpreted my own energetic/physical ‘wrong doing’ as a positive experience and at the same time felt frightened and ashamed and guilty within taking the adult’s reaction/response personally and so from there split myself into several characters, of which I developed a moral character of feeling bad when I felt good when I did something bad (which is basically what ‘morality’ is in the current system) as well as feeling good when I did bad

I see, realize and understand that morality as it has been designed and presented in and as the world – and as I have manifested, created, participated within and as – and understood and accepted morality is actually the opposite of what morality should be – general regard and respect for life and the ability to see when something is not best for all and accordingly correct and align oneself/the point to what is best for all. Instead morality has been designed as a character that we use to cover up the truth about who we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become in a communal silent agreement with each other where we pretend that right/wrong exists and that we and the world are benevolent and as such also separate ourselves from ourselves as who and what we’ve actually accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become through placing moral judgments that becomes taboos that we use to suppress points/parts of ourselves and each other (the whole) – and within this denial and refusal to face ourselves as malevolent, we’ve actually become immoral beings that exist in a self-deceptive delusion that good exists in the world, where no actual real morality is possible  – so I commit myself to develop a real morality, that is based on a practical, common sensical and self-honest assessment about what is best for all – and I commit myself to develop the seeing, understanding, awareness that is required for me to see and assess what is in fact best for all and to see if something/someone/myself is not best for all, be able to change/align/correct that to what is best for all. I commit myself to stop adhering to false morality as it exists in the world-system today, where most of what is considered “morally corrupt” are points we’ve separated ourselves from and refuse to take self-responsibility for/as,  through suppressing them and making them taboo – whereof some are points (such as the physical) that is actually real and where, if we were to embrace ourselves in and a these points, we’d realize ourselves – and therefore, we as within the dominion of the mind have labeled and characterized these as ‘bad’ so as to prevent ourselves from embracing these as ourselves as life and others are indeed not best for all, but is in fact who and what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become (such as self-interest, violence and greed) and I realize that by separating myself from these points through moral judgment is a self-deception and self-manipulation that is unacceptable because the entire purpose of such moral judgment, is in fact to prevent myself from facing myself in self-honesty and take self-responsibility

Practically this means that:

When and as I see that I experience guilt, self-judgment or shame towards something I have done/thought/experienced, I stop. I allow myself to embrace myself in and as the point and to in self-honesty investigate whether my moral judgment is in fact based on common sense assessment of what is best for all or not – if I see that it is not, I am thus allowing myself to participate in moral-judgment in and as the mind, as indicated by my experience and either assesses whether the point is an illusion (for example feeling guilty when having sex) or whether the experience of guilt, self-judgment or shame is indicating that this is a point that requires correction/alignment to what is best for all – instead of, as I have done in the past, utilize moral judgment through self-judgment/guilt/shame, to avoid and abdicate self-responsibility through suppressing and denying a point/part within and as myself and as such separate myself from myself as that point/part. I then simply let go of the experience of guilt/shame/self-judgment as the correction of a point/part that is not best for all, is a practical application – and NOT an experience or feeling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately assume a character of morality towards that which I have perceived, define and accepted as ‘bad’ within seeing that others defined it as bad and thus seeing that I would get in trouble if I admitted  that I felt good about doing that which is defined as bad and from there started experiencing guilt and judged myself for feeling good about doing bad, believing and accepting myself as bad in believing that others were not like me and that there was thus something wrong with me because I felt good about doing/being bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop an addiction towards doing that which I have defined and accepted as bad, no matter what it is, within creating, manifesting and participating within and as a surge of energy towards the anticipation of getting caught based on the memory of my initial experience when I was caught doing something that was considered bad and from there have accepted and allowed myself to define, perceive, see, experience and accept myself as bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that, that which is defined as bad in this world, is that within which we might face and realize ourselves – such as being greedy towards money is bad, but that is what our system is based on, so by developing the moral that being greedy is bad, allows people to suppress and hide their greed and thus allow all to enter into a silent agreement to not speak about or reveal the greed that they experience and as such hide ‘who we are’ from ourselves and from each other, through which we as I have, come to believe that others do not experience this and that as such there is something wrong with us – not seeing, realizing or understanding that everyone is the same and that we’ve created a world-system where we deliberately hide our ‘true’ nature from ourselves and each other creating and presenting a false image of our character through using moral judgment as manipulation to suppress and make taboo that which we have in fact accepted ourselves as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, to judge myself, and to fear and believe that I am a bad person, because I experience sexual desire and because I do not have a natural sense of morality and that I from there have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately develop a character of morality so as to not risk being exposed and excluded from society because ‘I am bad’ – not seeing, realizing or understanding that everyone has gone through this process of deliberately assuming a moral character, as this character is not real and in how ‘who’ we have become, is in fact that which we’ve judged, defined and accepted as ‘bad’ – yet it is that which we live by and are motivated by – as self-interest, greed, desire and sexuality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world is good because it presents itself as good and that I thus, because of this, am bad because I do not inherently experience myself as good and as such from there have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately develop a moral character that I could assume for myself, so that I would fit into the world – while hiding my ‘true’ nature and as such have lived and existed in constant guilt, self-judgment, shame and fear of being exposed – not seeing, realizing or understanding that who and what I experienced myself as, was merely the polarity of the fake image of benevolence, purity and goodness that we present ourselves as in the world – that is not, and cannot in any way be true, which one can see simply by taking a self-honest look at the world and what goes on inside oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately assume and develop an experience of guilt towards feeling good about doing bad, within believing that that there is something wrong with me because I feel good about doing bad and as such have developed a character of guilt to feel better about myself, to see, define, experience and perceive myself as ‘a good person’ because I at least feel bad about feeling good about doing bad – not seeing, realizing or understanding that I have been lying to myself deliberately to fit into society

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, that which is resisted will persist and that by making something/someone a taboo, the point/person is given focus and energy and as such is enhanced through the very act of hiding and suppressing and that I have simply developed an addiction towards that which is considered and defined as bad within and as experiencing, defining, perceiving and believing it to be ‘free’ and within and as the energetic experience of excitement that I have developed towards it through memories of how I experienced myself as a child, when I was caught doing something that was defined and considered as bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a character of pride towards being ‘a bad girl’ within and as perceiving, defining, seeing, experiencing and accepting myself as ‘more free’ than others as a ‘free spirit’ not bound down by morality or moral codes – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this character was in fact a cover-up character for the guilt and self-judgment and shame I experienced towards feeling good about being bad, where I used this positive self-definition character to defend myself within and as myself and as such to in fact hide myself through layering characters on top of each other to hide myself as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question whether that which I have defined as good and bad is in fact best for all or not – meaning to look in self-honesty and common sense at the consequences of actions/characters/thoughts and that I, instead have defined and accepted good and bad as moral judgments which only relevance was towards whether one would get in trouble with others or not and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have never been moral in fact as the morality that I assumed for myself, as all, has been in self-interest as fear of not surviving as fitting into society and relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent to which I have limited, compromised, sabotaged and suppressed myself within assuming a moral character for myself that I believed that I had to develop and assume deliberately to fight my experience of feeling good when doing bad, in perceiving the world and others as good and as such believing that there is something wrong with me because I feel good when I do bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, experience and believe myself to be superior when feeling good about feeling bad, in seeing, perceiving, defining and experiencing myself as ‘a rebel’, ‘a revolutionary’, ‘a free spirit’ and as such judge and define those who do not dare to do bad as inferior – while in fact judging and defining myself as inferior and as ‘bad’ because I feel good when I do bad and as such have created the superior character to hide from myself the inferior character to suppress myself as it and separate myself from it in perceiving it as a threat to my survival and as such exist within and as a constant and continuous inner conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to and thus dependent on and enslaved to doing what I have perceived and defined as bad within and as having created a relationship towards doing bad, wherein I feel good as excited based on a memory from when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, realize, see, understand or consider that when I participate in that which I have perceived and defined as being bad, I am not doing it because it IS bad, but because I have created a relationship towards doing bad based on memories, wherein I feel good about doing bad – and as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to feeling good and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do anything, including abusing myself and others, just to get that fix of an energetic experience of feeling good about doing bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about eating foods that I know are not supportive for my human physical body, specifically foods that I was not allowed to eat as a child, and that I as such have defined and perceived and created a relationship towards based on memories of eating these foods in secret when I was a child, where I experienced myself as ‘free’ from what I perceived as an oppressive regime, held by my mother,  wherein and through which I experienced myself being limited and excluded from participating with other children and that I experienced as unfair and as such when I directed myself to eat these foods in secret, I felt I was empowering myself and I felt naughty and I felt good about being naughty – not ever considering my starting-point of experiencing myself and fearing to be excluded from participation with other children or the starting-point as a reason as to why I was not to eat certain foods, because they were not supporting my human physical body – so that I would simply register that I felt good and included and as though I was taking matters into my own hands when I ate the foods that I was not allowed to eat, never considering if it was in fact best for me or not – all I cared about was not missing out on experiences and participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship within and as myself towards that which I am not allowed/supposed to do within and as perceiving what I am not allowed/supposed to do as an unfair and unnecessary restriction placed upon me from someone else/the world that I must rebel against to not have a boring, limited, restricted life

(I will continue in my next post)

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