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I continue investigating myself in and as addiction as this is a primary construct that I cannot effectively walk through and stand up from, unless I understand in detail how I have designed and constructed myself into and as addiction, addict and addicted and bring myself back here as the authority over and as myself. I am continuing the point from yesterday’s writing.

Addiction

Etymology/Dictionary definition:

 1530s (implied in addicted), from L. addictus, pp. of addicere “to deliver, award, yield; give assent, make over, sell,” figuratively “to devote, consecrate; sacrifice, sell out, betray” from ad- “to” (see ad-) + dicere “say, declare” (see diction), but also “adjudge, allot.” Earlier in English as an adjective, “delivered, devoted” (1520s). Related: Addicted; addicting.

My current allocation:

I experience an ambivalent relationship towards addiction where I am on one hand ashamed of being addicted and judging myself for being addicted and feel completely powerless towards addiction and on the other hand experience a positive relationship towards addiction as something in which I feel safe, in control and nurturing of myself. It is a polarized experience.

Sounding:

A-Dick-I-Tie-On

Add-It-On

A – beginning

Dick – desire/creator

Tie – Enslave

On – directive principle or One – Self

A-Dick-Shun

Redefinition of addiction:

Addiction is a relationship-construct designed specifically based on our separation of and from ourselves, where we’ve created an artificial need and dependency and thus relationship towards something/someone outside separate from ourselves that we believe we require to sustain ourselves physically, while it is actually only the mind that is sustained through our addictions – while we’ve infused the addiction into and onto the physical that in no way need or require the addiction to sustain itself and as such the design of addiction is abusive and deceptive in nature and only exists to reconfirm our separation of and from ourselves as the physical into and as the mind, through the dependency on something/someone outside separate from us.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an insatiable desire to remain addicted to that which I have created a relationship of addiction towards wherein I have connected and infused the experience of addiction into my human physical body, through which I have justified the addiction within and as me, as a need which I believe that I cannot function/survive/live without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and to participate in an experience that I cannot function without my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the experience of wanting to indulge in my addiction and feeling horrible when I don’t as a real and valuable experience because I have infused the addiction into my human physical body and thus have used the physical experience of discomfort as an excuse and justification for not stopping my addiction, while it is evident that an addiction is not a real physical need or requirement as the only physical requirements for me to live and exist is to breathe, eat, rest and care for my human physical body with whatever is in fact required for me to physically sustain myself

I forgive myself, that I through having accepted and allowed myself to let the mind be the directive principle of and as me as the authority through which I direct myself, have accepted and allowed myself to take my human  physical body hostage in forcing and enforcing addictions into and onto my human physical body and as such have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical – yet artificial need to comply to that which I have created an addiction towards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept or allow myself to walk through the fear of stopping my addiction and the desire to indulge in that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to and to instead remain in a limbo experience of not walking back and not walking forth and instead remain between the two points and as such not moving myself in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain trapped within and as an experience of limbo where I am not walking back or forth, but remaining within and as a point in between stopping the addiction and giving into it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop my addiction for my partner’s sake, to remain in a relationship with my partner and for the sake of others so as to remain in a positive relationship with others, where they would see me as someone worth being in a relationship with, instead of stopping for myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an addiction is an artificial need that in no way has anything to do with actual physical living requirements and that addiction in its very design is abusive because I have made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that is not an actual physical requirement and as such is a delusional and self-deceptive need that I have justified as real to ensure my survival/existence, when in fact it is I within and as the mind who have forced and enforced the addiction into and onto my human physical body, to justify my addiction to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that is not an actual physical requirement and as such is a delusional and self-deceptive need that I have justified as real to ensure my survival/existence, when in fact it is I within and as the mind who have forced and enforced the addiction into and onto my human physical body, to justify my addiction to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed of being addicted and being an addict and for exposing to my partner and to others that I am addicted when I understand in knowledge and information that it is not real and that I should be able to walk through it with ease and as such have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being addicted and for being an addict in seeing, defining and judging being addicted and as such being an addict as weak and wimpy, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that judging myself is useless and will only prolong my process of walking through the addiction and reinstating myself here in and as the physical as the authority of, over and as myself through and within breath as the primary physical requirement for me to sustain myself and live and exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as extremely difficult and basically impossible for me to stop my addiction and to be ashamed of that within and as myself in experiencing and judging myself as being weak and stupid for not simply walking myself through the addiction with ease

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the reason why I experience it as difficult to stop the addiction and thus to stop being addicted, is because I have already given myself permission to be an addict, through creating a relationship that I have nurtured over many years between the mind and my delusional belief in addiction as a physical requirement and my human physical body that I have forced to enforce my addiction and as such manifest my addiction through, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that while the addiction starts in the mind, in me separating parts of myself from myself and as such creating an artificial dependency upon and towards points/experiences outside separate from me, the addiction is dependent upon me enforcing it into and onto the physical as it is only in and through the physical that I can get the energy I believe I require to sustain my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and nurtured and nurturing towards myself when and as I participate in my addiction and give my addiction the drug that I have created an addicted relationship towards as an artificial dependency that I have deceived myself into believing that I require to sustain myself and function and thus survive in my world, my reality and in my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship between my mind as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a separate entity separate from myself as the physical and my human physical body wherein and through which I have made myself dependent upon artificial needs outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I, through accepting and allowing myself to participate in, as and through addiction, have accepted and allowed myself to reinforce and reconfirm my separation of and from myself in and as the physical because the very design of addiction is the belief enforced into and onto the physical that I require and need something outside separate from myself to sustain myself here in and as the physical, thus creating an infinite loop of ‘lack’ where I through participating in addiction reconfirm that I am separate and thus reinforce the artificial need for something outside separate from me to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience my addiction and that which I have created an addictive relationship towards as ‘my precious’ where I protect and guard and hold onto my addiction and that which I have made myself addicted towards in a ‘love’ relationship wherein I believe that by feeding my addiction I am nurturing myself in fact – because I have separated myself from self-nurturing by separating myself from myself as the physical as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that an addiction can only exist and have power over me if I have separated myself from myself in and as the physical, thus believing and accepting that I require something outside separate from myself to sustain me and as such survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that one of the reasons why I am an addict is because my father was an addict and my mother is an addict and that I have accepted and allowed myself to infuse their relationship with addiction and their acceptance of themselves as addicts, into and as myself through infusing their mind-consciousness-systems into and as myself as well as through my relationship with and towards them and in seeing how they felt better about themselves when they adhered to their addictions and as such have accepted and allowed myself to walk in their image and likeness in defining addiction as something positive through which I am nurturing myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that they, as I do now, have made themselves dependent upon an artificial need of something outside separate from them, because they had separated themselves from themselves here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can function better when I adhere to addiction and that participating in the addiction gives me some form of control over myself and my life – not seeing, realizing or understanding that it is the addiction that is in control and that I have no control whatsoever as I have abdicated myself to an artificial need of something outside separate from me to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that it is not the physical manifestation that I am addicted to as that which I have created a relationship of addiction towards, but the experience that I create within and as myself when I participate in the addiction of feeling positive in feeling nurtured and nurturing towards myself, in feeling in control over myself, in experiencing that I am giving myself ‘something more’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devote myself to addiction and to as an addict having accepted and allowed myself to create a religion within and as myself where I have made that which I am addicted to a ‘god’ as an authority within and as me that I have accepted as the governing and directive principle over and as me that I much adhere to at all costs in order to be able to sustain myself and survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and feel that through participating in addiction that I am giving myself ‘more’ and as such making my life and myself ‘more’ by and through participating in addiction where I believe that the addiction is giving me something that I cannot give myself – as safety, security, control and nurture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and feel that when I participate in addiction that I am being ‘good’ to myself because of the experience that I have when I don’t participate in or adhere to the addiction of feeling and experiencing discomfort not seeing, realizing or understanding that I experience discomfort because of the addiction and as such that I would not experience discomfort if I was not addicted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a polarized relationship to, towards and within addiction where I in a positive polarity experience myself as nurtured by the addiction and as nurturing myself in the addiction and feel positive as in control of and over myself through participating in the addiction and in a negative polarity judge and blame myself for being addicted and feel ashamed of being addicted and for the addicted having control over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and manifest myself into and as a personality-entity of ‘Gollum’ within and as myself in a relationship towards and addiction towards a point outside separate from me, where I am completely obsessed with keeping that which I am addicted to, because I the experience of energy I generate when I possess that which I am addicted to, where I will fight and protect my addiction at all costs, including abusing myself and depleting the life out of myself, in and through having separated myself from life and having projected ‘life’ and living as energy onto the addiction, not seeing realizing or understanding that I am being consumed by my own desire to possess myself in separation from myself and where I believe that as long as I control my addiction and make sure no one takes it from me, I am fine, while fearing anything and anyone that might threaten my relationship towards that which I am addicted to, where I as ‘Gollum’ exist as a self-made god in the belief that I am possessing ‘the essence/substance of life’ through possessing that which I am addicted to – not realizing, seeing or understanding that I am the one being controlled, consumed and possessed by my own desire and fear as it is manifested through my separation of and from myself into and as an addiction as an artificial need of being dependent upon something outside and separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a and manifest myself into and as a personality-entity of ‘Sméagol’ within and as myself in a relationship towards and addiction towards a point outside separate from me, where I experience, believe and accept myself completely consumed and controlled by my desire to have that which I am addicted to and the fear of how I will experience myself if I lose that which I am addicted to and where I experience shame and self-judgment towards myself for being addicted and where I slowly but surely allow myself to deplete myself of life, out of fearing to lose my addiction and where I experience, believe and accept myself to be a slave of my addiction – never questioning its authority because I know how I will experience myself if I give up the addiction – and I fear that experience so extensively that I readily and willingly submit myself to the addiction – willing to do, say, be and become anything to sustain my relationship to the addiction

Self-Corrective Statements:

I commit myself to investigate all details of how I have designed, manifested and accepted myself as an addict, and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application release myself from the relationship I have created within and as me towards that which I have allowed myself to become addicted to by reinstating myself as a authority over and as me, through breath

I commit myself to prepare myself to walk through the storm of withdrawal that I experience when I stop addiction because I realize that this and these experiences am me as the mind fighting to remain in control over myself as life and as the physical, fighting to remain as the authority over and as me and that if I do not reinstate and create myself as the authority over and as me, I will keep allowing the mind to stand as the authority over and as me, with the only purpose of sustaining itself as the mind through depleting myself as the physical as life – exactly like Gollum was transformed and depleted into a being only existing for his addiction and I realize that it has taken me many many years to created myself into and as an addict and that I have made addiction, myself as an addict and the experience of being addicted a primary personality within and as me – and so I support myself to be patient and to walk the steps that is required for me to step out of the relationship between the mind and the physical towards points/manifestations as addictions breath by breath instead of expecting myself to magically be able to stop and then when the emotional shit hits the fan, I have no supportive system in place to support myself through and therefore give up and give into the addiction again which makes it that much harder for me to stop again, because I’ve now created a layer of ‘defeat’ and ‘giving up’ on top of the addiction which I then also have to walk through

I commit myself to investigate and expose and to support others to do the same how addiction exist within and as a relationship-construct of the mind, where we create a relationship of dependency as an artificial need of self-sustenance towards points/manifestations outside separate from ourselves in the belief that we need the addiction to sustain ourselves physically within how we’ve enforced the addiction into and onto our human physical bodies, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what addiction is designed to sustain is the mind and our constant and continuous separation of and from ourselves in and as the physical

I commit myself to walk through addiction in self-honesty and to not accept addiction as more than or less than who I am here and to stand one and equal with the design, manifestation and creation of myself as addiction, in getting to know the specific details of the addiction-design/construct and how I have created and manifested the addiction design/construct so that I can bring it back to myself and embrace it as myself and direct myself to stop and step out of addiction

I commit myself to show and expose that addictions are artificial needs as dependencies we’ve created to sustain ourselves in the physical that is based on self-deception and manipulation through how we’ve infused the relationship-dependency into and onto our human physical bodies, when in fact we do not physically require addictions to sustain our physical bodies and such support myself as all to see, realize and understand that we do not require addictions to sustain ourselves  in and as the physical and that what we are stopping as we stop addictions, is in fact our dependency upon the mind and thus the mind’s sustenance through which we can start standing up as life, here, in and as the physical, without requiring anything or anyone outside separate from us to sustain ourselves, because we stop accepting and manifesting ourselves as separate from or of ourselves

I commit myself to show and expose that the manifested nature and design of addiction is abuse of life and abuse of substance as life – as addictions can only be sustained as long as we reconfirm ourselves as separate from ourselves, dependent upon and requiring energy as ‘more’ than who and what we are here to sustain ourselves, while in fact this is not physically so and thus through participating in addictions, we are fuelling the self-separation and depleting ourselves in and as the physical as life

(To be continued)

Artwork by Damian Ledesma.

Suggested Reading/Listening:

Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52

Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47

Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48

MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45

Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46

The Design of Addiction

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