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A couple of days ago, I suggested to my partner that we watch South Park. While we were watching and I was laughing, I suddenly realized that I don’t even like South Park. Now, what is interesting is that I most often am the one that suggest that we watch it. So why do I suggest that we watch something that I don’t even enjoy watching?

The event made me look back at my relationships wherein I would align myself to the specific likes of my partner. One partner liked jazz, another was into ska so I adjusted myself to liking jazz and ska; another liked watching The Daily Show, so I aligned myself to watch The Daily Show. Even years after we had broken up I would still watch it, until I one day realized that I did not even enjoy it.

Then today my partner asked me for something, where my self-honest answer was to say “no” but I went into an automatic conflict within experiencing that it is my obligation to say “yes” – no matter what and if I say “no” I feel guilty and would thus rather say “yes” so to not have to experience myself like a shitty person.  So as I was going into a conflict with myself, I went into a conflict with my partner, in saying no but still saying yes and saying yes but still saying no. My partner let the point go and “let me have it” (= win) and I was clearly resisting because I experienced a fear of loss. After he had given it up, I kept asking him if it was okay and said that I could give in if it was required and tried coming up with a solution where we both could be satisfied. But he stood fast and I stood facing myself. So what I realized was that because of the experience that I had to say yes, I could not even consider the point in common sense. It was only because my partner “gave it up” that I could stop up, not experiencing the guilt or the conflict and considers the point in common sense, which was that I was experiencing fear of loss and that the best would be if I did in fact give it up myself realizing that there I not really anything to lose. And I realized that this was yet another aspect of this pattern of believing that I MUST adjust myself to my partner’s wishes, yet being in complete conflict with myself about it, because I have to compromise myself to do so and as such create a conflict towards my partner and compromise my partner.

But with the South Park point and all the other interests through the years that I have pretended that I liked, I did not even see it – because what I have done, is that I have made myself believe that I too liked it – like a relationship-chameleon. Another point I have noticed lately is how I will change my voice tonality to a “relationship voice” wherein I make my voice more sweet, weak and feminine, instead of my natural, lower voice, strong voice. In my investigation I have found that I do that to not appear threatening to my partner, to appear feminine, to fit myself into the mold of being a good girl friend. I have actually written extensively about this point and experienced frustration within being unable to stop – but I realize that this has been a primary personality that I have existed within and as and layered myself within and as and that the solution to stopping it, is as accumulative as I have created this personality equally accumulative. I even stayed with a former boyfriend for over a year, because he became so sad when I broke up with him. Other aspects of the pattern are within how I have believed that I must control the outcome of the relationships I am in, through how the person responds to me. So I will constantly look for signs as to whether I have done something wrong, so that I can prevent unforeseen and uncomfortable events such as them leaving me or becoming angry at me.

So what I have looked at as I looked further into this pattern is that it is a survival-mechanism and obviously survival mechanism we believe we need to exist, which can be why they are ‘difficult’ to let go of – difficult as in we refuse and don’t want to let go. What I have also seen is that it is about existing in and being dependent upon relationships outside separate from me and as such in no way relying on myself or seeing any form of worth in myself.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and make myself believe that I enjoy something that I don’t enjoy as a way to “unite” myself with my partner and create a “moment of intimacy” that I believe and accept I cannot do, without aligning myself to what I perceive as my partner’s wants and likes and as such compromise myself and deceive myself into creating a personality that I can align to my partners likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and to deceive myself into a personality of aligning myself and defining myself according to my partners likes and dislikes just so that I can be in a relationship, believing and accepting that who I am is inherently not good enough and as such that I, to be in a relationship have to change myself to fit and mold myself to my partners likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through and with and within believing and accepting that I must compromise myself to be in a relationship, that I must create a personality that fits to my partner, so as to “unite” myself with him and make him like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align my likes and dislikes to the likes and dislikes of my partner, so that he may like me more and that there is something that unites us – based on me perceiving and accepting myself as inherently not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must and have to align myself and compromise myself to be in a relationship – and to believe that compromising for and in a relationship is a good thing to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define ‘compromise’ as a good and necessary thing to do in a relationship to make sure that the relationship is working and that my partner stays with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and convince myself to believe that I like watching South Park, The Daily Show, ska music, jazz and soccer just so that my partner will like me and so that I can “unite” myself with my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more than willing to compromise myself to fit myself into a relationship and within that accept and allow myself to create, manifest and design a personality that I can present and define myself according to in a relationship to be successful and liked by my partner

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I have to compromise myself to be in a relationship and create a personality just so that I can be liked by a partner, that the relationship is not real anyway and that I am not real within it and that I am in fact diminishing myself and my self-worth in defining myself only worthy as being in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience and accept it as worth it to compromise myself for a relationship and to create a fake personality to fit and mold myself to my partners and dislikes in the belief that it will “unite” me with my partner and make me worthy to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an automated personality, where I automatically compromise myself and deliberately force myself to compromise myself to be in a relationship to fit myself into what I perceive that my partner wants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe and experience and accept that it is not okay to say “no” and that if I say no, I risk losing my relationship and because I value being in a relationship as more than all and anything else, I see it is as necessary and required for me to not say “no” and to say “yes” to keep my partner satisfied not realizing that it is not about making my partner satisfied, but about satisfying my fear of losing that which I have defined myself according to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an inner conflict when I am in a situation where it is self-honest to say no, but where another wants me to say yes between directing myself in self-honesty and what I perceive as keeping the relationship through satisfying my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to experience guilt whenever I say “no” within and as the belief that it is the morally correct thing to do to say “yes” no matter what and to deliberately say “yes” so that I don’t have to experience myself like a shit – and as such compromise myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person that I have created a relationship towards, for me “having to” compromise myself in the belief that it is them who are forcing me to compromise myself, while in fact it is only and have always only been myself and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as being responsible for compromising myself in the belief that I must and have to compromise myself in and for relationships – and as such abdicate my self-responsibility for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own inner conflict onto my relationship with others and in and through that create and manifest a conflict with others, in separating myself from my own acceptances and allowances and self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within and as, as self-compromise and deceit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I, because of my past relationships wherein I compromised myself yet perceived and believed that it was my partners that was forcing me to compromise me, that I must and have to stand up to my partner – when in fact I was the only one that compromised myself and as such the only one that is responsible for my own self-compromise

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that because of the experience, belief and acceptance that I had to say yes, I have not been able to consider the point in common sense and as such that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a conflict of polarities, where I believe on one hand that I must stand up for myself and on the other that I must compromise myself and as such compromise both myself and my partner in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying “yes” and “no” because I fear losing myself either way, either through losing the relationship that I have defined myself according to or through losing myself in and as how I compromise myself to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and design myself into and as a “relationship-chameleon” personality in and through which I have completely separated myself from myself here in and as the physical and from myself as self-honest self-expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have compromised myself into a pretend-personality, in and through which I have made myself believe that I like the same things that my partner like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice tonality to a “relationship voice” wherein I make my voice sound more sweet, weak and feminine instead of speaking with and expressing myself through my natural, lower voice, strong voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my self-expression in and as self-honesty in and through changing my voice tonality to make it more ‘relationship-friendly’ so that I will have success in my relationships which I have defined as my partner liking me and not leaving me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice tonality so as to not appear threatening to my partner, but to instead appear feminine and to fit myself into the mold of being a ‘good girlfriend’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a ‘good girlfriend’ as whatever a man desires for a woman to be – and in no way consider how being an actual supporting relationship in walking as equals to support each other, has nothing to do with my idea, belief and acceptance of ‘ being a good girlfriend’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create manifest and participate within and as a primary personality of and as self-compromise and pretend and that I within that have layered, hidden and suppressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of frustration in experiencing that I am unable to stop and step out of this personality of self-compromise – instead of simply seeing and realizing in common sense self-honesty that I require to use the same dedication and accumulative process with which I have created and refined this personality through the years, to enable myself to step out if it – as it has become “who” and what I am, as a skin-suit that I forgot I had put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stay with a partner in a relationship for over a year, because he became so sad when I broke up with him and I felt so guilty for hurting him and as such taking his reaction personally believing that I was responsible for his experience and because I did not want to experience myself as a shit in guilt, I would rather compromise myself and stay in an abusive and ineffective relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control the outcome of my relationships with others, through compromising myself and molding myself into personalities so as to fit myself into someone that my partner will like – so that I can ensure that they like me and that I don’t make mistakes and so that unpredictable things will not happen such as them exploding in anger on me or leaving me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control the outcome of my relationships through how a person responds to me and as such exist in a completely strategized personality, where I compromise myself and my partner and exist in complete and total separation from, within and as myself here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously look for signs as to whether I have done something wrong, so that I can prevent unforeseen and uncomfortable events such as my partner leaving me or becoming angry at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a ‘strategized’ personality, wherein and from which I have compromised myself as a survival mechanism which I have believed that I needed to exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a primary reason why I have experienced it difficult to stop and let go of this personality, has been because I have believed and accepted that I needed it to survive and as such exist within how I have defined surviving as existing specifically within and as defining myself according to being in a relationship and as a woman being dependent on a man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of this strategic personality because I have believed and perceived and accepted that I needed it to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as and believe and accept myself and my existence as dependent upon relationships in, of and as separation of and from myself and as such that I have never accepted or allowed myself to create or accept myself within and as self-reliance or self-worth

I forgive myself that I have never accept or allowed myself to create or accept myself within and as self-reliance and self-worth, based on the belief and acceptance that I am dependent on a relationship to exist

I commit myself to change my application in the moment of speaking to someone where I would anticipate a response and get scared if there is no response and simply allow myself to speak and express myself and breathe through any and all reactions

I commit myself to support myself to stop all fake voices that I have used to fit myself into a personality that I have believed that I must be and become to maintain a relationship and to allow myself to speak here, as myself, in my own voice

I commit myself to investigate and expose for myself all personalities and ways with which I have participated in the relationship-chameleon personality and to stop all participation in this personality and allow myself to express myself here in and as self-reliance and self-worth

I commit myself to investigate and expose for myself and stop all points of participation in and from which I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I like something that I do not in fact like or enjoy in compromising myself for a relationship

I commit myself to support myself to create and manifest myself within and as self-reliance and self-worth and to stop all participation in survival mechanisms and strategies so that I can actually live and express myself here unconditionally in and as the physical

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