Tags

, , , , , , , ,

My entire life I have taken short-cuts and the easy way out. I have been a cheater. As this pattern is affecting my participation in my world and my reality in many ways that are not only compromising for myself but for everyone around me, I have now decided to investigate it so that I can stop and stand up from within and as it.

This is a writing I started quite some time ago – however I did not write the self-corrective statements or how I was going to live differently according to the realizations that came up as I wrote this pattern out. So I have here revised the writing and completed it, as in walking through it and taking it through to self-correction as well as placing additional statements of self-forgiveness.

Being a cheater is quite a prominent pattern in my life. Let me first define what I mean by being a cheater.

Dictionary definition:

Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage. Deprive of something by deceitful or unfair means.

Avoid (something undesirable) by luck or skill

By being ‘a cheater’ I mean the characteristics of someone that lies and cheats to get what they want, someone that is willing to deceive to get what they want. It is thus a point of deliberate deception and deliberate lying.

When I do it, there is backchat of “ha ha, I do this because I want to – fuck everyone else” and then I feel extremely guilty afterwards. Thus is it also a pattern of polarities.

An example: I have made a self-agreement to get up immediately as I wake up, yet I have through backchat convinced myself that it is okay to sleep more. I also do it when I convince myself that it is ok to eat something that is not supportive for my body. So that is basically how this works: I convince myself, through directing myself according to thoughts/backchat – or rather submitting myself to thoughts and backchat – that it is okay to do something I have agreed not to do, or to not do something that I have agreed to do. I cheat for example when I do not want to do my school work, yet it is what is required in the moment and I instead allow myself to instead watch a movie.

So being a cheater is one of the basic components of living in deliberate interest of mind as ego. Because it is thoughts and self-talk as backchat through which I am participating in this pattern – accepting that “who I am” in that moment, is based on and defined by thoughts. I can clearly see how I have compromised self-honesty extensively because of and through accepting myself to participate and live according to this pattern.

As I started to open this point up for myself through simply looking at it within me, I saw more and more points in my life, where I have taken short cuts and cheated. I saw that basically my entire life has been a dance around only doing the easy things in Life.

When I was in kindergarten, I refused to do things that required me to sit down and focus. I experienced myself awkward when there was something I was not good at. I did not like not being good at something, it made me feel less-than and out of control.

With exams, studies and homework I have been cheating as well, not doing the work. Then when I got good grades anyway, I realized that I could cheat the system deliberately and that I merely had to be good at pretending, so I perfected it until I could simply cheat my way through education (and life in general).

When I talked to my partner about this, he mentioned that there within this point is also a point of feeling worthless and I saw how I feared failing and because of this took the easy way out.

What I am facing now is the consequences of this pattern, where I literally can’t trust myself to do what is required to be done, where I have no integrity because taking the easy way out, the short cuts in life has become an automated pattern. As soon as I experience something as difficult, I tend to take the easy way out. If I experience that I will not get an instant pay-off or get something out of it, I take the easy way out. Another point that then also stands in relation to this, is that I have only be able to do what is required to be done, as long as I experienced myself getting some form of appraisal or approval for it – that I required a reward from others to do anything. This means that I have not ever in my life, or at least barely, acted and lived in support of myself, standing in self-integrity and in support of others. This has become a definite liability, because my application within and through this acceptance and allowance has become conditioned and unstable.

The consequences are amongst other points that I am missing out of lots of opportunities. In relation to school for example, I am missing out on reading books and gathering information, I am missing out on enjoying myself in self-trust that I WILL get it done. I am missing out of being an equal participant in this world that takes self-responsibility and does whatever is required to change what is here. The point is that as I currently exist within and as this pattern, I can’t actually trust myself.

How I play out this pattern is as follows:

I am faced with a point that I for example cannot with ease apply myself within because I do not already have obtained the information. Instead of pushing myself and applying myself to get to know the point, I immediately give up on myself and on the point. What I am in fact experiencing is fear and inferiority in that moment, but then I suppress it, blame it on the point/person I am facing and turn to take the easy way out, so that I don’t have to face my fear. The same occurs when I face a point of seeing how I have been self-dishonest or not lived in a way that is best for all. Instead of immediately moving to the correction of the point that I have separated myself from/into/as, I have instead judged myself and been ashamed and from there justified not correcting myself through bullying and blaming myself and thus suppressing and separating myself from the point at hand.  I have been doing this for years and now I am more or less unable to do anything that I do not already find easy or that has no reward in the form of attention, approval and appraisal from others. This limits the things I can do effectively, quite extensively.

I am pushing it though for example with Pilates, but with my studies, with the DIP or with the agreement or with walking through points, I have not. In fact most of my days goes with dancing around responsibilities, looking at what I want, what I should  and should not do, how to get out of responsibilities, how I am bad because I did or did not do something, what makes me feel good (lol – I wrote “god” instead of good”) so – that which makes me feel like am an amble god. Interesting.  That which makes me feel like I am a god over myself – when in fact what is god is the conditioned, preprogrammed and automated behavior that exists with the only purpose of keeping me from realizing myself as fully responsible for myself.

I can see that what is relevant is to lay out exactly how these patterns play out in my daily participation.

Now – let’s have a look at the words that came up as expanded perspectives (I used muscle communication to open up additional words in relation to the point. You can read more about muscle communication here.

Joyless – there was joy or there is a comparison to joy as it is joy-less

Quaverous – trembling from weakness

Fright – Intense fear/shock

Maltreated – treated cruelly or with violence (That which I believe gives me the “right” to cheat. Fear)

Perplex – feeling baffled

So these are the basic experiences that are the foundation of this pattern. I can see that an important part of how and why this pattern is playing out, is within how I suppress my actual experience of myself in the moment of facing that which is difficult. So I have not wanted to face myself. I see how I within this have created an ideal image of myself that I desperately have wanted to keep up in my mind, of being able, capable and amble in my participation. But within doing so, I have trapped myself in one-dimensional behavior that would not threaten my idea of myself.

Furthermore, this cheater personality have become one nasty motherfucker, deliberate. It is a coward. I am a coward pretending to be a hero. There it is.   Or even a potential “hero” in the sense of someone that stands up in support of Life, pretending to be a coward.

So when I am faced with an experience that I perceive as difficult, I feel weak, I feel violated by it and by the people I blame as responsible for my experience of myself – the same happens when I perceive someone as treating me unjustly.

So these are the experiences with which I have justified me giving up on myself, the experiences I have suppressed.

The thoughts triggering this pattern are thus not conscious – the trigger is fear – the thoughts of excuses, cheating and justification are then meant to make sure I avoid the fear, avoid facing the fear so that I can keep my image of myself as able and capable and amble – and not face myself as that which I in fact am, as myself and as this world in its totality.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to take short cuts as the easy way out of situations that I experienced difficult or that did not have instant payoff in a positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a cheater within lying and cheating others as well as myself to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be willing to deceive to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately cheat, lie and deceive myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about cheating myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive energetic charge to the act of deliberately deceiving myself and others to take short cuts and the easy way out to get what I want because I within that felt and experienced myself as a “god” over myself and others, in control of the situation – not realizing that what was in control all along, was fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in the thoughts of fucking everyone else and to within that feel good about myself as though I become more by putting others down in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spitefulness in my mind projected towards what I perceive as everyone else, as those I experience myself hurt or restricted or judged by, when in fact it is and have always been myself

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that projecting my acceptances and allowances and responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as onto others, is in fact the epitome of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts as back chat of the polarity of spite and guilt, where I see and experience myself either as superior to others and to myself and to the point I am facing, by perceiving myself as a good “con-artist” that is so smart that I am able to get away with cheating, or the opposite as being inferior, a bad person and weak-minded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see, accept and experience myself as superior to others and to myself and to the point I am facing, by perceiving myself as a good “con-artist” that is so smart that I am able to get away with cheating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see, accept and experience myself as inferior as being a bad person and weak-minded because I allow myself to cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself guilty that I have allowed myself to be spiteful in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling guilty means that I am a good person after all – not seeing that both polarities are sides of the same coin and that I, within participating in either, am creating the other and accepting myself as a slave and a subject to these two polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I feel guilty about being spiteful, and then the spitefulness is not so bad and that feeling guilty is a noble thing to do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the experience of “guilt” is orchestrated by myself as a strategic placement to justify for myself acting and living deliberately in ways that are abusive and not best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever sabotage myself through participating in back chat and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, that who I am as backchat cannot be trusted, as backchat is the manifestation of my deliberate abuse through fear, greed and deception

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through allowing myself to participate in back chat, have allowed myself to convince myself that it is okay to sleep more or not do my home-work or my DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and deceive myself to continue sleeping and thereby break my agreement with and as myself and make myself completely untrustworthy and unreliable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break my agreement with myself to get up immediately through participating in back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse getting up in the morning because I don’t want to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting up in the morning within having to face my acceptances and allowances and take self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself as powerful and god-like when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself through and within back chat that it is okay to eat foods that are not supporting for my human physical body when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself into believing that it is okay to eat foods that are not supportive for my human physical body when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that it is ok to not do things I have agreed to do and do things that I have agreed not to do when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat when I don’t want to do my school work and that I have instead allowed myself to watch a movie when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into cheating with my school work, believing that it is someone/something else I am cheating, when in fact the only one I am cheating is myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat with my school work and allow myself to watch a movie when I experience the school work as difficult, instead of pushing through the fear and resistance and allow myself to support myself to study and realize that I am not fear and that I don’t have to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to participate in any point that requires me to sit down and focus, because I within that, am faced with myself, when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to participate in any point that I am not good at and to feel good about that, because I have defined avoiding “bad experiences” as positive self-protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as awkward and feel anxiety when I am to participate in something that I am not good at and to justify that experience and acceptance of and for myself, by allowing myself to not push through the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat with school work, to deliberately not do the work based on a perception and experience that I am more than the school work suppressing the experience and judgment of myself as less than the school work and to justify that experience and acceptance of and for myself, by allowing myself to not push through the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat the system when I discovered that I could get good grades anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define, perceive, experience and accept myself as more than and superior to the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perfect that act of cheating to the extend where everything I have been, existed and lived within and as, has been an act of cheating and deceiving and lying

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it was in fact not someone or something outside, separate from me I was cheating, but in fact myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself out of and from participating effectively and completely in my world and my reality

I forgive myself, that I, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as a cheater, have not accepted or allowed myself to participate effectively and unconditionally in my world and my reality, to the utmost of my ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of immediately giving up on myself, when there is something I experience as difficult and within that in fact perpetuate the experience of difficulty, by complying with it as “self-care” – instead of questioning and challenging my own self-limitations and actually realize myself and stand up

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise and sabotage myself by taking the easy way out, the shortcut when faced with a point in myself or in my world and reality that I perceive as being difficult and to within that have experienced that I was doing good for myself, when in fact I was cheating myself out of living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within experiencing, perceiving, judging, defining and accepting myself as worthless and to within that support myself, but instead have been, lived and acted as a coward and have supported myself only as a cheater, as avoiding that which I found difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a consequence for and as myself, where I cannot trust myself, where I have no integrity, because I have and within having automated the pattern of suppressing myself and always take the easy way out, through complying with fear and resistance in an experience and belief as self-deception, that I am in fact supporting myself, when what I am supporting is my own cowardice and self-denial

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have sabotaged and missed out on opportunities through having abdicated myself to the pattern of taking the easy way out in all and every situation and as such diminished myself and my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and sabotage for myself the opportunity of reading books and educating myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and sabotage for myself the opportunity of enjoying myself in the self-trust that I WILL get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, judge, experience and accept myself as more than and superior to the point I am facing as new and difficult as a strategy to cope with my experience of in fact perceiving, defining, judging, experiencing and accepting myself as inferior to the point I am facing – and instead of facing that, have accepted and allowed myself into giving up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, experience, judge and accept myself as inferior to and less than the point I am facing as new and difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the point of facing myself in a point that is new to me, as being difficult and that I am thus less than and inferior to the point and that I should avoid it at all costs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a pattern of dancing through my day in avoidance of responsibilities and only do that which makes me feel good and what I want and prefer to do to not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as myself, in my world and my reality as a god, as the mind as backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey like an obedient slave or follower, believing and trusting that as long as I do what the mind says, I will be safe – not allowing myself to realize in self-honesty, that I as the mind, is that system which I have created to separate myself from myself and not ever accept or allow myself to realize myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate god with free-choice and to believe that if I give up free choice, I cannot be god as I perceive myself, in control of my actions, myself, my life and even of others – when in fact that which is in control – and as such is god – is the mind, due to my deliberate self-abdication

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that actually being god means taking responsibility for all that is here and direct it as myself according to what is best for all in bringing all parts of myself back together here, so that I can rebirth and re-earth myself as life from the physical that I have enslaved and conditioned to existing as a minion of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of being a god over myself and my reality within acting based on emotions, feelings, desires and fears and in that not see or realize that I have allowed the mind, myself as the mind to be the directive principle and thus god over and as me and as such that all I have ever existed as, was a slave to a conditioning program that I myself have designed to not realize my own self-abdication of myself as all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an ideal image of myself in my mind, in separation of and from myself here and the contrary polarity of being flawed and as such exist in a constant battle between polarities, in what seemingly is a form of balance, but in which I am at constant war with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desperately want to hold onto my ideal image of myself in fear and refusal to face myself in and as self-responsibility as who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and that which I perceive and accept myself to really be, as being flawed – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding – that all that is here: is my acceptance and allowance – that it really is as simple as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a one-dimensional personality as ego of mind that I have created to not have to give up the façade and front that I have placed self-deceptively in front of my own eyes as a veil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as myself and my world and reality as a coward, that exits completely and entirely subjected to fear, in fact as a dedicated devotee of fear, that would never dare to question the “righteous path” of fear – in fear of fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for what I perceive as me being a coward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as coward based on me being a coward as not being who, what and how I want to be and be seen as by others and as such lie to myself and convince myself that I am not a coward, when in fact it is what I am and have allowed myself to be – by subjecting myself entirely to fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being a coward simply means allowing myself to abdicate myself to fear, allowing fear to be the directive principle of and as me

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to investigate what fear actually is as myself and that I instead have allowed myself to abdicate myself to fear in the belief, perception, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as less than fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to fear, so that I could abdicate self-responsibility for who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, believe and experience myself as a victim, as violated when I am faced with a situation that is not as I would want it to, believe that I am being treated unjustly  by someone, something else outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, weak , violated and unjustly treated when another does something I perceive as hurting or harming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold something, someone else responsible for my experience of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own experience of and as myself as the creator of and as my own experiences and in that abdicate self-responsibility and self-power of what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use, abuse and manipulate myself through and with this experience of being a victim, as a justification for giving up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I am the creator of my own experience of and as myself and that I as such am responsible for all and everything that I accept and allow within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as thoughts of self-victimization and inferiority to avoid facing myself within and as the image that I have created of and as myself as more than and superior

As I had written all of this, I went back into the pattern. I literally re-engaged it and became it again, full on – and as I have been doing that I have been looking at what this pattern is. Or rather, I have faced myself within and as it brutally as it exists, as I exist in it, in its totality. I actually first wrote “as I exit in it” – and that is exactly what it is: I check out of my participation, saying “fuck everything and everyone – I will do as I please, and then do so frivolously. (excuse = the exit I use) Then I feel immense guilt and shame afterwards and judge myself, believing that what I have done, who I am is unforgivable. What I am seeing is that this pattern indeed is a Christian pattern, because I experience and perceive myself as a sinner, as having sinned before god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in sin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believed that I have sinned when I allowed myself to deliberately abuse and cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in sin in and as a moral polarity relationship to sanctity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a saint

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a saint

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define saints as good and positive and sinners as bad and negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity relationship to, towards the words saint and sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a polarity relationship between the words saint and sinner

Another point I have been looking at, as I woke up this morning after yet another day of “cheating”, was that this is the stuff child molesters are made up – it is the most intense form of spite and deliberateness there exist. And I exist as that, right here, right now. It is not a past pattern that I have pushed and moved through. It is a part of the reality of who I am here. It is why I gave up on myself, it is who I allowed myself to be when I gave up on myself, when I refused to see and stand up for what is best for all.

I see my partner and the other Destonians applying themselves relentlessly and I pretend that I am like them, to not be exposed as the cheater I have allowed myself to become, yet at the same time live the exact opposite as pretending to myself that I am a sinner/cheater/coward, to justify for myself to keep deliberately abusing – when in fact I can simply stand up as an equal, equally responsible for what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am effective in my application, so to not be exposed as the cheater that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I have been hiding behind being a cheater, to not actually allow myself to stand up in self-trust

I can see now how the jealousy towards others, the belief that I am inadequate, are all smoke screens that I have used to victimize myself, to not have to face myself in and as the brutality of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as jealousy and the belief that I am inadequate as a point of manipulation to victimize myself to not have to face myself in and as the brutality of the deliberate abuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as

When I look at the point within me, I see it as a huge problem, as something dangerous living inside me, as me existing as a point of danger, a deliberate evil.  I still fear being evil and I see that I have no choice but to accept the fact that I am. In that way, evil is to deliberately use one’s power to inflict harm onto others or self, simply because it fits one’s personal interest. It is interesting that this point imply a point of power, because within that one also has the option to act differently – yet do not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, experience and believe that I have something dangerous existing inside me that I exist as a point of danger, as a deliberate evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that I am evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as evil by existence – and thus within that separate myself from myself as the evil that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as – as well as from myself as existence as all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, within and as that which I have perceived, judged and defined as deliberate evil – as doing harm onto another/self deliberately through using power to serve one’s own interest as ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as that which I perceive as deliberate evil and within that suppress myself as that which I have perceived to be deliberate evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and will never be forgiven for having accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately evil and that I don’t deserve to be forgiven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that only I can forgive myself and that self-forgiveness is an act of taking self-responsibility and correcting myself to change – and that not forgiving myself is therefore the same as deliberately not changing myself

If I can forgive Hitler or Anu and if they can forgive themselves – if anyone can, then I can too.

Nothing can be too “sacred” as too profane to be forgiven – that would be arrogant – whereas unconditionally forgiving oneself, is in fact an act of humbleness – lol saying that I am “too bad” for self-forgiveness is indeed a major point of self-deception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that saying that I am “too bad” to be forgiven, to forgive myself or to deserve forgiveness, is in fact a point of major self-deception, as self-forgiveness is the very act of facing myself in self-honesty and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and to commit myself to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility for having allowed myself to exist and accepted myself as deliberately abusing another/self through power to serve myself as ego

So this is what I am facing. This is what I am facing myself as, these “small” thoughts as back chat where I say to myself that I will take the easy way out, take the short cut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-talk as back-chat in the mind where I speak to myself that it is okay to compromise myself, to take short cuts and to take the easy way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself and this pattern way too seriously, in perceiving and accepting that this is really who and what I am, instead of supporting myself to sort myself out and focus on the solution instead of the problem within and as seeing myself as a “sinner”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see points that emerge from within and as the mind, as gifts and opportunities for me to face myself and stand up from within and as the mind

So let’s have a look at this point from the perspective of it being a gift.

The first point I see is not a gift at all. I looked at sharing the point with the Destonians and I see that I am miles apart from who I believe they perceive me as, from who and what I want to be perceived as.

Is this the most evil point that exists within and as me, the most evil point I exist as? (Again I wrote “exit as…”- Exit as: walk out/way out of)

Yes it is. Because this point is the starting-point for all other evils, torture, abuse, child molestation, rape. It is cool from that perspective: I am from a certain perspective, facing the most evil side and part of myself. And at least I see it. At least I have brought it here for myself to face, embrace, stop and change.

It is interesting that “evil” specifically exists within and as a moral judgment vs. evil, exactly as sinning is the moral polarity of sainthood or goodness. Interesting: I keep writing exit instead of exist and now I wrote “goodness” instead of goodness. So it is the exit of god, the exit out of god – the abdication of godliness that is perceived as sin – accepting that with god as the only savior is then what makes the saint. The insistence and creation of abdication of responsibility. And it is the utmost expression of superiority, saying “I am good, my life is good – so I can do what I want, because it is not me that is going to face the consequences” – obviously that is also delusional because there is no escape from consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do what I want in the belief that I am not accountable for my actions and that I don’t have to face the consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute and deceive myself into believing that it is possible to escape the consequences of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, create and manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, define, experience and accept myself as superior within the belief that I don’t have to face the consequences of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a an arrogance as ego as superiority in the belief that I am and can be free from consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my belief that I can be free from consequence on having lived with money my entire life not having to stand accountable or responsible for myself in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute and deceive myself into believing that my actions to do not have consequences and that I am free to do what I want, when I want it, how I want it, with who I want to

So how am I facing this point? My experience has changed, I am more stable now, interestingly enough within the realization that this is as evil as it gets. If I can forgive this point, I can forgive anything. And also it is about facing the reason we are here where we are, in total separation, abuse and inequality, exactly because of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to and as the mind as ego in living, existing and acting according only to that which serves my interest as ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as an existence based on deliberate abuse through power and superiority towards that which I perceive and believe myself as having power over as inferior to me

Relevant words to look at within investigating the origin of this point are:

Emotions:

“Nonchelant” – “not concerned”

“Restrict” – deprive of freedom of movement

Oblyquy – strong public condemnation

Feelings:

Lighthearted – as being a light worker. “Someone that has the light in their heart”.

So what I am seeing is actually that this point pertains to the totality of my existence. In my walking with the light, I have actually existed as this point of deliberate evil, yet in perceiving myself as a saint. In that, I have experienced myself restricted and feared public condemnation in that my secret would be revealed.

I forgive myself that I, within walking with the light as the belief in heaven, ascension and a godly existence, have allowed myself to exist in deliberate abused through and as ego

I forgive myself that I, within walking with the light, have perceived myself as sanctified and righteous while in fact I was allowing myself to exist as evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of being exposed and revealed as that deliberate abuser that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of exposing myself to myself as what I have accepted and allowed as deliberate abuse, onto someone, something, outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as deliberate abuse as that which I have defined as evil and within that abdicated self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the light is righteous and good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the darkness is bad and evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I, within walking with the light, am good and righteous.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within walking with the light, I have in fact only cared about myself as fear in and as ego of the mind

The secret that I don’t care or concern myself within anything or anyone because I perceive myself as above everything and everyone. I am surprised to discover that this pattern relates to my walking with the light – because I have perceived it entirely in its totality as the exact opposite, as devilish and cruel. Wow – so this was what I, as the light refused to face – my own deliberate inconsideration of what is here.

I forgive myself that I, within and as walking-with and as the light have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into pushing that away through which I could change myself in self-honesty and instead embrace only self-deception in beliefs about who and what I was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the light as a diversion and deception to hide my own darkness and self-honesty from myself and as such have created a positive polarity as that which I only allowed myself to see and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the light to escape myself as the darkness

I forgive myself that I, within and thorough walking-with/as  the light as a positive charged polarity have suppressed and separated myself from myself as darkness, as the truth of me and within that perceive, define, judge and fear myself as being evil

My own claim to free-choice based on the perception and experience that I am more-than what is here and therefore do not have to suffer the consequences. This makes perfect sense. And I have feared facing this point within and as me; I have resisted facing myself as it and as such made myself a complete slave to this point. So what I am facing in my daily participation, where I have deliberately turned my back on what is best for all, is a representation of what I have allowed as the totality of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my back on what is best for all as the manifestation of the totality of my existence as who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

And as I have burning desires to go against the rules, I equally have a desire to be the perfect slave, the perfect soldier of god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a burning desire to go against all rules and as a polarity to that have desires to be the perfect slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk-with the light specifically to have something to follow outside separate from me that promised a hope of escaping of facing myself instead of actually walking here, self-directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the perfect solider for god, the blind follower that follows in blind trust, so that I can avoid taking self-responsibility

So in my unwillingness to face myself in and as this point in self-responsibility, I have given my power of myself to it and thus made it “impossible” to direct myself to change.

I forgive myself that I, in my unwillingness to face myself in and as this point in self-responsibility, I have given my power over myself to the fear of facing myself and within that made it seemingly “impossible” for me to direct myself to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the belief, perception, experience and acceptance that it is impossible for me to change myself as a justification for not changing

Because as I was trying to change, it was from within the light itself, in believing I must renounce darkness, reject it, avoid it – while actually this point WAS the light itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change from within walking-with the light in the belief that I must fight against, avoid and reject darkness , while in fact it was within the light itself that I had deceived myself, cheated myself, separated myself and deliberately harmed and abused based on the perception, belief and self-definition that I am superior and more-than what is here as the manifested consequence of what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as darkness, as the origin of me, in self-honesty facing who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I will face and am facing the consequences of this acceptance and allowance and that those consequences are my own creation. “All” I can do is to face myself, embrace myself and from here, stop, stand up and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to do what is required to be done, as long as I experience myself getting a reward from outside of myself, as appraisal or approval and as such that I have created within me a “requirement” of what I have perceived, experienced and accepted as a reward from others to do anything or move myself

I forgive myself that I, within, through and because of this self-imposed condition and limitation have not ever acted or lived in full and unconditional support of myself and of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I, within, through and because of this self-imposed condition and limitation have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, live and exist as a liability where I cannot be trusted or trust myself to move myself and as such that my application within and through this acceptance and allowance has become conditioned and unstable and compromised and diminished

I forgive myself that I, Instead of immediately moving to the correction of the point that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from/into/as, instead have judged myself and been ashamed and from there justified not correcting myself through bullying and blaming myself and thus suppressing and separating myself from the point at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a manifestation, consequence and condition where I have become more or less unable and conditioned to do anything that I do not already find easy or that has no reward in the form of attention, approval and appraisal from others and that I as such have limited and diminished myself to the utmost extend

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the “god” I have been submitting myself to unconditionally as fear, backchat and the pattern of cheating within the perception of being a “god” as in control over and of myself, is the conditioned, preprogrammed and automated behavior that exists with the only purpose of keeping me from realizing myself as fully responsible for myself.

Self-Commitment and Correction

I commit myself to support myself to stop all participation in back-chat as I realize that I, as back-chat, as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to, that which I have given the responsibility for me, to direct and guide me, is in fact based on fear – and cannot be trusted, as it will always and only lead me to not stand up or realize myself as life – as all it is and exist as and consist of in its “core” – is fear of loss.

I commit myself to stop all points of self-justification through thoughts, backchat, emotions, feelings and reactions wherein and from I have allowed myself to cheat myself through the belief that I am doing myself a favor by avoiding the “bad” – while in fact, this is a point of self-deception where all I am avoiding is the realization – and thus change – of myself as the truth of me, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I realize that I have never actually valued myself and that I have created a pattern to make life more easy for myself, but all I did was to suppress myself to avoid facing myself and taking self-responsibility and because of this, I missed out on so many opportunities to live and stand and move myself effectively in and as the world

I commit myself to redefine the word “discipline” to a word wherein and from I stand equal to in self-dedication, integrity and dignity to all in all ways – according to what is best for all – and to stop all points of procrastination, deception, abuse, cowardice and fear

I commit myself to support myself to face myself as the truth of who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, exist and live as, without self-judgment or blame – and to immediately bring myself to self-forgiveness, in understanding that self-forgiveness is not about “deserving it” – but about taking responsibility for giving myself back to myself and as such take self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and through that change myself into a being that stands and live and acts only that which is best for all life

I commit myself to remain here and to perfect and purify my actions, words, movements until only that which is best for all remains

I commit myself to walk in self-honesty through the pattern of cheating and to see, identify and flag point all points of participation wherein I utilize and activate and go into the pattern of cheating – in the realization that I have only done this deliberately to not face myself in and as fear – and to avoid facing myself in the totality of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and as such abdicate self-responsibility, so that I can keep living in deliberate ignorance and justification of my abuse against myself as life

I commit myself to stop all points of abuse against myself as life and to support myself to stand within and as unconditional self-support, embracing myself as the evil that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I commit myself to face myself with open eyes and to stand within the realization that seeing and interpreting myself and my actions through self-judgment is NOT having open and self-honest eyes

I commit myself to stop all self-judgment as I realize that the purpose of self-judgment is for me to procrastinate the point of self-forgiveness, self-correction and change

I commit myself to support myself to bring myself back here in every moment of every breath that I am participating within and from and as the mind and to support myself to direct myself to breathe through any and all experiences that may come up

I commit myself to stop all relationships that I have created through memories with thoughts that I have attached emotional experiences to in and through which I have allowed myself to become possessed and submerged and to establish a relationship of self-honesty, self-dignity, integrity and self-trust and self-intimacy within and as myself.

Until it is done.

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk.

Advertisements