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I began looking at the point of letting go of control issues as the layer I am facing some weeks ago. It started with seeing how I would control myself and my partner in our home and how I could see other women in new formations of relationships, where the women attempts to bring herself to an equilibrium with the male through exerting power as a male, yet ending up in a sort of double female nightmare position and role, where she can’t stand herself (lol – I wrote here-self) and he can’t stand her either. So that was where it started. I had to look into it because it was obviously not best for anyone that I was allowing myself to access control as a way of apparently taking responsibility and equilibrating myself. Needless to say it did not have the desired effect either of making my reality more predictable and “in order” – because the more I tried to control, the more scared I became of losing my perceived control. The same was evident in other parts of my reality, where I, within the rule of not being allowed to make mistakes, tormented myself when I did make mistakes, upped the stakes on making mistakes because I was extremely nervous towards making mistakes all the time and even tormenting others when they made mistakes. I had become exactly the kind of woman that I had always despised. The physical body no doubt has suffered for it – because I have a constant experience of extreme pressure and tenseness in my entire body, but primarily in my shoulders and in my legs. I have had that for several years and have come to experience it as normal.

My question to myself is the following: how do I let go of control issues? Who am I as “control”? What will happen and who will I be when I let go of control issues?

I am walking this point in parts because it has many dimensions to it.

This is starting over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and experience fear towards renewing myself without knowing exactly beforehand, what will happen, who I will become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as experience fear towards emptiness and nothingness and darkness of and as myself here, undefined, not controlling myself or my world or my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon mental control through thoughts and a design of a personal “intuition” through emotions and feelings, which I have steered myself through and according to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the direct mental control that I have exerted upon myself and upon this reality, assisted me in seeing “ahead”, as seeing possible outcomes, consequences and dangers that I could then direct myself to avoid, to negotiate with, to manipulate so as to control the outcome of my actions to what I wanted them to be – and in that not see or realize, that what I was “seeing” with and through was in fact fear and as such that I was not seeing at all, but in fact walking in blindness believing I had “seen the light”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boast myself within and as the mind through thoughts and relationships of and as ego, in the belief and perception that I was in control of myself, my reality and the outcome of my actions, when in fact I was in no way self-directed and in fact I was the one that was controlled to live and exist in fear as limitation and restriction that I placed upon and within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon seeing myself, the world and others through a strategic and calibrating mechanism and program of calculating outcomes vs. risk and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as fear towards opening this point up for and within myself, as well as in public – in fearing, believing and experiencing, that if I do not control myself, if I do not exert control on my reality, if I do not at all times calibrate the outcome of my actions according to the desired effect and possible risks, that I am completely and entirely lost and blinded and unable to move

Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am facing is a layer of the extent to which I have completely trusted and obeyed preprogramming as “who I am” and how I have controlled myself to always only act and move myself according to the direction of thoughts, emotions and feelings, never actually moving myself here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the resistance I am experiencing as emptiness and as a “wall” of nothingness in which I perceive and believe myself unable to move, is in fact and merely me facing myself here and giving myself the opportunity to start over and to let go of the delusion of being in control of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as sadness and sorrow as an experience of having lost myself – and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to experience that what I have “lost” is real, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I can lose something, then it was not real to begin with and as such, I am grateful for the opportunity and the support I have been given to face myself within and as this point, so that I can in fact let go of the delusion of myself as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as, and instead allow myself to start here – anew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of feeling physically sick and uncomfortable within facing myself here as emptiness, as nothingness, as darkness without any plan or prediction of who I will be or how I will control myself, my world, my reality or the outcome of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the loss of myself, as who and what and how I believed myself to be – instead of embracing myself in gratefulness of the opportunity to face myself here, in self-honesty and to allow myself to let go and start anew here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not in what I have perceived as control of myself, through calibrating outcomes vs. risks and desires, then I have no ability of moving myself or directing myself effectively and thus am unable to avoid that which I have perceived and believed to be a threat to my very existence – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist in a total utter self-delusion where that which I perceived as a threat was in fact myself and that which I could free and realize myself through, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable and incapable of moving myself without controlling myself, my world and the outcome of my actions through calibrating and calculating possible outcomes and desired outcomes in and through thoughts, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I within this, never have had control – as I had completely and totally abdicated myself to the mind, as the very manifestation of separation into and as self-deception and delusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself superior in my mind, by believing that I had the ability to control myself, my world and the outcome of my actions through calibrating and calculating possible outcomes through and within thoughts – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was existing within and as the very manifestation of that which I feared and attempted to avoid – the truth of myself in and as self-abdication

I forgive myself   that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could control the outcome of my actions through participating within and as and subjecting myself obediently to thought processes of calibration and calculations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a delusion of superiority in believing that I could control everything and everyone – not realizing that as I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate complete self-responsibility, I have exited as subjected to the mind, to mental processes and programming, to the past and to the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that creating myself as who and what and how I want to be seen by others and through their seeing, believing that I could become that which I desired to see myself as, was a matter of effectively controlling myself, my world and others enough so that the truth of me would never get out and that I would never lose control of who and what and how I wanted to be and to be seen

I forgive myself that I, within perceiving and believing that I had control over myself, have created the delusion of myself as a god that is able to direct and manipulate reality as he pleases and as such dilute myself into and as a total mind-possession in which I have had absolutely no direction of or as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in letting go of control, I must control the way I write myself out of control instead of seeing, realizing and understanding  that I cannot control myself to let go of control and that letting go of control is a physical, directive and practical living application – wherein I stop participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as the calibrating, calculating and intuitive control that I have perceived myself to have over myself – in realizing that only by understanding myself here, in the totality of who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist – can I begin directing myself authoritatively – and that it is only through remaining here, within the one breath here, directing myself that I can in fact direct myself to let go of control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I could gain control of others and if I could ensure the outcome of the actions of others, I could control myself and who and what I am, through the reflection of myself in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control others and not allow any point of mistakes to be made and that I as such prove myself worthy to those that I have projected my self-authority and self-direction onto as someone that is effectively directing their world and their reality, not realizing that it was all fake – that I, in and as it, had to fall – that I in that bubble that I had created around and within myself, had to burst, for me to emerge as truth of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within an as an experience of fear as “I don’t know how to walk through this point” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am facing as myself, is the very manifestation of the existence of me in the delusion of control and that only by directing myself here, in self-trust can I walk effectively through, as and within this point – because as I write about letting go of control, I cannot use control to write – as I would usually do, in planning and seeing how I will write the point out to create a specific outcome and effect – when in fact, there is no other point than me here, facing myself – letting go of control issues and as such establishing myself here in and as self-directive application that is not based on energy or conditional desires or fears of certain outcomes

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that which I perceive, see and experience in fear as having gone blind and that I am in darkness, is in fact the beginning of the end of the delusion that I can see within and as and through the mind’s eye/I, only – and such by letting that view-point go, I allow myself to start seeing here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only way I have had control as I perceived it, was in the delusion of my own mind and in the re-enforcement of control  that I placed upon and onto the physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see and understand that I have never in fact been in control of myself, of my world, of reality, of existence, of this here physical body, of nature, of the physical or of the mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand, that what I perceived to be control, was in fact the continuous and deliberate separation of and form myself here in and as the deliberate abdication of myself here as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to let go of control issues because and within justifying that if I were to let go of my control issues, I would not be able to effectively direct myself in my world and my reality – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have not ever directed myself – as all I have existed within and as, where echoes of the past in and as a constant and continuous hiding from myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and assert myself within the belief that when I allowed myself to string and attach one thought to another, that I was in control of myself, my actions and the outcome of my actions – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was existing within and as a total abdication of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control Life, that I can control myself, that I can control the physical, nature, the animal kingdom, the plants, the weather, the atmosphere, the universe, the sun, the moon, this here physical body, through, as and within my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I fear letting go of control, is not because I would then not be able to direct myself – quite the contrary, but because I would no longer be able to remain as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as the shackles of my mind, as the prison, prisoner and guard of myself as self-limitation, fear and separation

I commit myself to walk through the absolute living correction as letting go of all control issues that I have created and manifested as a mechanism of self-imprisonment through fear

I commit myself to find and investigate and take responsibility for all points in which I have attempted to control myself, my world, my reality and other beings, so as to not realize the truth about myself and so to remain existing within and as the limitation and separation of and as the mind, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – in and as the creation of myself as the fear of losing myself

When and as I see that I am participating within and as myself and within and as my world and reality from a starting-point of control – I stop. I breathe and I direct myself to immediately look at what it is I, in that moment fear losing and fear facing – and as such I direct myself to let go of fear and instead embrace myself here.

 

 

 

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