Today, I’ve been experiencing reactions of fear of not surviving, emptiness and meaningless. For the first time – maybe in my entire life – I allowed myself to feel the fear. I was not afraid of the fear itself. I allowed myself to embrace it, feel it within me/as me. I talked to my study partner about it she started opening the point of with me through asking questions. It has been a fascinating process walking with her, because we have slowly gotten to know each other and she has been very interested in my process and in the equal money system. So she has started seeing and realizing the systems for herself, how memories keep us enslaved to existing within and as the same patterns and because of that, she could ask relevant questions that pinpointed what I was experiencing. It was not all her questions that were common sense or relevant, so I could simply reflect and see within the moment whether or not the point was relevant. I can see how me embracing the fear and speaking about this was assisting me to look at the points that opened up.
What I saw was that from when I was 3 years old and specifically when my mother left my father when I was 4 – which she did by the way, because a social worker had told her to either give up me or to give up her relationship with my father – my mother was extremely depressed, felt empty and that life was meaningless. Furthermore there was a specific point of fearing for her survival. So – I remember the feeling of meaninglessness, emptiness and fear within that, everywhere. When I look at how I saw the world around me, our apartment, it was a bubble of meaninglessness and fear. I remember that my mother hated her job and feared not having enough money.
So what I realized today was that this was not my feeling – this was not a real experience. This was my mothers experience and because she was my link to the world, to life, this became a basic underline to how I saw/experienced and accepted life. And what I realized today is that this is – what I have been running from this entire time.
Another interesting point within this – is that how I saw and experienced myself within this, was in fact how life is – how it is – meaningless – empty – all about survival – the way we’ve been existing. So in that moment I was able to let it go. I simply let it go. And I immediately felt so tired, so empty, like I was resetting. I was shaking as well. So I went and I slept. I woke up half a hour or an hour later and I continued my day.