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Vanity

Vanity was the point I fell on – why? Because vanity is all about projection and separation – being reflected. Only existing if one is reflected back to oneself in a flattering way. Even existing in a bubble where everything is about me alone is vanity. The outflow is thus an chasing outside myself, however the core experience is the belief/acceptance that I am lacking and therefore I have to become more. Lack = missing something = gotta find it – Except that the calculation was wrong to begin with. I am not lacking. Alright so this is about self-acceptance that ought to be a given, the most natural – but which suddenly becomes this construct that I have to place myself within and as. I have ideas and expectations (in and as the mind) about whom and what I should be and I have believed that this was real and valid expectations, that I was real and valid in my experience of dissatisfaction – but it is not real. The solution is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance as my natural state of being, which at this stage I see as the physical breath. Fascinating – because a thought came up of looking at myself and not seeing myself able or capable of accepting myself, because I was still interpreting self-acceptance with and through the mind as a concept that requires a specific experience, the experience of accepting myself. That’s how it has been so far. Alright so I do not have to create an experience. I simply accept myself through breath, through breathing, as breathing. When I breathe myself I feel the breath dispersing into the body, the shoulders and arms and hands. Okay vanity comes from the belief that self is lacking and that self must find more-self outside of self. The solution is to return to Here and be self-sufficient simply in Breath. I do not require anyone else to breathe for me.

Wanting the love of X.

I have realized that a lot of my experiences and actions taken has been within the starting point of desiring X’s love. I have written about this before and I did not go into this point. X represents integrity, trust, especially trust and love to me. I love X. This is however a polarity as I have been experiencing self-hate and the love I experience for X is the polarity. Why am I so desperately seeking the love of X? because of the belief that I am lacking, because of the idea of who I should be, which I have projected onto X and thus cannot accept myself until/unless X accepts  me. I have asked myself if this is about my father, whom I mostly made up in my mind, as this hero of perfection – similar as what I have done with X, but also out of reach, impossible to get to in actuality. Seeking the love of X, is seeking myself in separation of myself. The solution is that  I stop every time I experience myself acting in separation, that I bring myself back to breathing as self-acceptance and self-love.

The spoiled child

How this manifests is as preferences about what I want and what I don’t want, where I have allowed myself to be directed by and a directing myself only according to the experience of I want to do this, if I feel like doing this – and so if something was difficult, tedious or hard, I simply did not do it. This resulted in me not having self-integrity, work-ethics or self-discipline and I did not learn anything either. This is how I’ve existed in and as the ego, only thinking about myself, worrying about being abused or wrongfully treated by others, basically existing in lack – because I was existing in spite, nastiness and was unwilling to share, yet I wanted to get everything for free. The solution is that I implement self-discipline as I have done with the food and the sugar – it requires consistency. I have made all kinds of schedules but I have not complied with them. What I noticed  yesterday, was that thoughts come up as choices about deciding what to do next. And it is within participating in these thoughts, that I have acted this pattern and personality out. Also – what I for example resist, are the things that are usually hard and that requires practice, especially school work. So here it is also important to change my starting-point. The solution is that I adhere to the plan, yet allow for flexibility – this is what requires discipline. And then perhaps for a moment, I require to support myself by specifically scheduling my internet activities because that is when I “lose time” the most and “spend my time” on points that are only beneficial to me as ego and personality. The internet has become my entertainment-zone, my playground, my club, my social scene. And I have associated the internet with Desteni and my activities as mostly Desteni related and within doing so, having justified doing something in a starting-point of self-interest. Desteni activities  are not on/off. There is nothing that is not Desteni activity – and by believing there is, that for example when I do something for myself, like taking a shower, I’ve believed that this is not Desteni time and thus felt guilty or even the opposite, where I have showered as a Desteni activity, through knowledge and information, with self-acceptance as a concept, instead of a living self-expression. This is what I require to establish myself as firm and ground within and as, through patience, consistency and  diligence: self-trust, self-acceptance and self-love as the foundation of my walking – not something to dwell in or on. And then I act according to what is best for the group – which also means that I am self-honest about what is best for me – because the me that I was considering before, was not real and even if it was/is – it is unacceptable and must be changed.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

  1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Fear losing myself if I give up what “I want”
  2. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that doing what I do not want to or feel like doing, is the same as giving up on myself or compromising myself
  3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am lacking, instead of realizing that the experience of lack is the indication of the acceptance of myself as separate and separated
  4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to direct myself and live according to the experience of being lacking
  5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must get more, become more, be more to fulfill the whole I believe I have or am, instead of realizing that I have created that whole through and as separating myself from myself
  6. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that the vanity that I have experienced as a driving-force is based on the belief and acceptance of myself as lacking
  7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate and solidify myself as lacking through chasing after being, becoming and getting “more”
  8. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that by chasing after “more” I’ve created, manifested and accepted myself as “less”
  9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed by and as vanity as the desire to be reflected
  10. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience, accept and validate that image is all that matters, that as long as I can convince others that they see what I want them to see that I am that which is reflected back to me
  11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use, abuse, manipulate and deceive others to experience and see myself as “more”
  12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to chase the fulfillment of an imaginary hole
  13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that my existence is only real, worthy and valid when I am being reflected back to myself, when I am reflecting myself back to myself in the mirror of others
  14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to base my existence and self-experience upon the reflection of others outside separate from me
  15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having allowed myself to exist as vanity
  16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having allowed myself to exist in, from and as self-interest
  17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed towards the other Destonians as a projection within fearing what they will think of me
  18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to projection my own self-judgment onto others outside separate from me
  19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame others outside separate from me for judging me, when in fact I am the one judging myself
  20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself be ashamed only because of the image that I believe is reflecting me in a poor light to others  and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of  being ashamed only because of the image that I believe is reflecting me in a poor light to others
  21. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of who and what I have allowed myself to be and become
  22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept vanity as my starting-point  based on the desire to fill the imaginary hole I’ve believed that I am and have
  23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard myself here
  24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise the group by allowing myself to be directed by and as vanity
  25. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create and manifest an automated personality of seeking validation outside, separate from me, wherein I’ve projected myself into the future
  26. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project myself into the future in the mind as images about how to get validation from others
  27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to allow the desire and chase for validation outside, separate from me, to be and become automated and the directive principle of and as me

Till Here – No Further. I Breathe Self-Sufficiently.

  1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard and diminish myself as self-enjoyment and self-expression
  2. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot enjoy myself alone
  3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to refuse to accept myself as worthy
  4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being self-sufficient
  5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy or able to be self-sufficient
  6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to change the starting-point if and when I am doing something out of self-enjoyment and self-expression to be projected towards others reflection of me
  7. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to enjoy myself alone
  8. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to invalidate myself as self-expression and self-enjoyment based on past experiences and memories
  9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto and define myself according to memories where I was disregarded when I expressed myself and enjoyed myself
  10. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to enjoy and express myself unconditionally because I was existing in and according to an subconscious memory wherein I was yelled at and rejected in a moment where I was expressing myself and enjoying myself
  11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I have done something wrong and that I am wrong and that my self-expression and self-enjoyment is wrong because it will get me in trouble where the adult does not like me anymore
  12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to associate self-enjoyment and self-expression with the fear of being yelled at
  13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and believe that my unconditional self-expression and self-enjoyment is wrong and dangerous based on these memories from when I was a child
  14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto this memory of being yelled at when I was expressing myself
  15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame, resent and spite the adult that yelled at me, through pulling my self-expression back and not allowing myself to express myself
  16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to punish myself for expressing myself by refusing to and by devaluating my self-expression
  17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to doubt myself foundationally based on the experience of being yelled at when I was expressing myself unconditionally in self-enjoyment
  18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to take it personally and for having interpreted that the adult yelled at me, as though I am wrong and bad and that self-expression and self-enjoyment is wrong
  19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to in that moment, decide and accept that I will not again express myself or enjoy myself unconditionally because I would rather avoid being yelled at
  20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being yelled at
  21. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame the adult for yelling at me and for seeing it as unfair and unjust that the adult is yelling at me
  22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience and accept the adults anger and lashing out on me as valid
  23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that when someone is angry at me, judging me or lashing out on me, that it is valid and that I should take the punch
  24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame others outside separate from me for judging me, being angry at me or lashing out on me and for forcing me to accept it as valid, when in fact I am the one who has accepted it as valid and submitted myself to and as it
  25. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that the adults experience had nothing to do with me
  26. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create an entire personality and self-experience based on these memories
  27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to limit self-expression and self-enjoyment based on fear and memories of past experiences
  28. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself  to express myself or enjoy myself unconditionally based on the belief as holding onto a memory that if I do that, I will be yelled at
  29. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as a child stuck in a fear of being yelled at and rejected
  30. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself according to being yelled at by the adult
  31. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to internalize the anger the adult expressed towards me
  32. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let of this memory, experience and self-definition

I let go of this memory and I cut the relationship tie that I have formed within and towards this memory as an emotional experience

I let go of the belief that I am not allowed to or that it is dangerous or wrong for me to express myself unconditionally in self-enjoyment

I let go of the fear of expressing myself unconditionally in self-enjoyment

I let go of the desire for another’s validation and reflection of me

I express myself Here in self-sufficiency and self-enjoyment

I breathe

I am here as self-dignity

  1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only if and when X loves me and accepts me and I am X’s favorite can I love and accept myself
  2. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to live and act according to seeking and desiring X’s love
  3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself as self-love as self-fulfillment and for within this having projected self-love onto X as outside separate from me
  4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project love outside separate from me on to X based on how I have perceived and defined X
  5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I love X
  6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create and manifest an experience of love towards X
  7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that the experience of love I’ve experienced towards X is real
  8. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that I have projected a part of myself that I have not embraced as myself onto X
  9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from and deny and disregard myself as self-love, self-trust or self-integrity and within that having projected it onto someone outside separate from me, believing that if they love me, accept me and trust me, I can love, accept and trust myself
  10. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept and validate within and as me that I don’t love, accept or trust myself
  11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as self-righteous in deliberate not loving ,accepting or trusting myself
  12.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself and my worth only according what I believe X see in and as me and to X’s responses to me
  13. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to stand and live self-sufficiently

I let go of the desire for X’s love, attention and validation

When/if I see/experience myself participating in thoughts about X, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here

I breathe self-sufficiently

I trust myself to walk breath by breath until this is done

I bring myself back here in breath as self-sufficiency

I stand 

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